caught in the doldrums

The real issue is being trapped here in this room. It drives me nuts. Pickle can keep himself occupied with the cartoons, movies and Playstation this fabulous pediatric hospital offers, but idle reclining is not for me. I was made to bussle and this forced idleness is dragging me down. Could be a touch of mania. This situation always seems to set me off. The boredom, the tedium, the hourly uncertainty of the health of my child … not cool.

“She was a sailor caught in the doldrums, waiting with increasing desperation for the faintest hint of a breeze to fill up the sails and let the journey continue.”

Same song, different room.

I finally got a connection in this hospital room. Interesting discovery. But it’s still a hospital room with the same beige walls and same smell. What is that smell anyways?  I am once again sitting at the foot of another hospital bed, with rails up and green sheets waiting for Pickle to fall asleep to watch for any incoming seizure on another EEG.

I’ve been here since Saturday.  I just don’t know how I got here.

For some reason today, I’ve just been thinking about all the events and decisions that led me to here.   Not the hospital but, being in a hospital room with this child (not biological), while my children are sleeping sound in their beds, being well watched over by a father (not biological).

Did you get that? It’s strange. How did all this responsibility get so shifted around and why?

I’m not trying to present like a martyr or even a victim. That’s not what this is about. It was a vague observation that got stuck just swirling around in my head. Most likely because I’ve had to go through Pickle’s medical history over and over and over again with the doctors and it always ends the same way.

So, now you have full custody of him?”

Yes“, I respond.


People ask me, “Are you sure you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?”

Well what other options are there, dummy? He’s MY son in every sense of the word. His “egg donor” isn’t worth anything, doesn’t have the capacity to care for him and who even knows where she is…who even cares anymore? Ok, in all honesty, I can see in the problems he’s having that what it really amounts to is that she REALLY didn’t have the mental capacity to be a mother. I’m not saying that as an insult. It’s a fact. There was something wrong cognitively with her. Much like there is with Pickle. He can’t connect the dots. She probably couldn’t either. Then his “Dad”? Well, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I think it just boils down to selfishness and lack of compassion. Lack of love? I mean isn’t love really the concept of realizing that something other than yourself if real? El Chuba definitely doesn’t get that. And then there’s me. Sure it’s not the ideal situation. Sure, I’d much rather Pickle get to have THAT relationship with at least one of his biological parents. It just seems like a great injustice not to. I’d feel differently if he had been adopted at birth but both of them WERE a part of his life and …. bailed, for lack of a better word.

I never saw myself here, but most Moms whom have children with disabilities don’t. We deal. Roll with it. I almost said that, I’m not the one forced to live with the disability, I’m just observing it, guiding it and trying to lessen the burden of it. In the end, Pickle is the one who has to deal with its impact, but that’s not true. We ARE forced to live with it and we are dealing with it’s impact.

I haven’t seen Jedi or my Diva since Thursday when they were shuffled off to my husband’s father, whom they have coined “Grandpa Doug” so that we could prepare everything else to have Pickle admitted Saturday morning.

Jer and I. Two people who couldn’t have been on further life paths from Pickle when he was conceived … born. Pickle’s visitors have consisted of myself, my husband and my parents. Jer brings me dinner, holds me and plays with my hair. Plays video games and colors with Pickle.
I don’t know.  I’m tired. I’m rambling.

I’m off to sleep on the plastic couch in the corner.

Relearning HAPPY

I don’t know when I became accustomed to not being happy, where waiting for the other shoe to fall or the rug to be swept out from under me became the norm, but I am acutely aware that it’s not at all normal now.

I am actually happily married. It’s happened. It exists. I don’t’ have to try very hard. I’m just myself. He’s himself. We go to work, we come home. We eat dinner as a family, we do our own things, we do things together, we hardly ever fight, we have sex, we don’t have sex, we laugh together, I fall asleep snuggled up to him or him curled up behind me, there are no expectations…things just fall into place. It works. And I’m happy. He’s happy. The kids are happy. But I find myself looking for signs that something is amiss. Looking for whatever it is that I’m missing because it can’t possibly be that this is it. There isn’t a secret I’m going to find out 4 weeks from now? He’s just suddenly not going to decide that he’s unhappy? He’s not suddenly not going to come home one night? That could be a touch of bipolar paranoia.

But seriously? This is it? Life is this easy? Love is this reliable? Happiness just happens?

This guy comes home everyday happily. Helps the kids with their schoolwork. He even makes dinner and does the dishes. He sends me text messages every morning that say, Good morning, beautiful. I love you. Have a great day….or something to that effect. He kisses my good night, every night. And when I tell him how wonderful he is or vice versa we both say, but I’m really not, I’m not doing that much. It just happens. There’s no drama, no tragedy, no ultimatums. We just are. It just is. We are happy.


It’s absolutely phenomenal to me that I spent so much time, living is such a distorted, unpredictable, alter reality and THAT actually became so normal to me that THIS is hard to accept???

I’m relearning happy.

What a concept.

IMs 10/09/2008

cmagohneo (10:09:39 PM): i need to see my kids its been long enough
stephiemneo (10:11:19 PM): I don’t know what your problem is or who you think you are, but there are some lines you don’t cross and some dealbreakers that takes all negotiations off the table….you crossed that line
stephiemneo (10:12:22 PM): Kids instincts are dead on about you, you don’t care, you’re ready to sign them over like a car….
stephiemneo (10:13:42 PM): You’re right though, Jer should adopt them.
cmagohneo (10:14:19 PM): let me see my kids
stephiemneo (10:16:01 PM): You own up, tell it to a judge….I’m done. You want Jer to adopt them, he’s more than willing to.
stephiemneo (10:16:25 PM): I’ll get you the papers you asked for.
cmagohneo (10:16:53 PM): u have the papers its all about money to you
stephiemneo (10:17:12 PM): If it was all about the money, I never would’ve been with you
cmagohneo (10:17:36 PM): 1400 dollars a month
stephiemneo (10:17:49 PM): You just tell yourself whatever makes you feel better, hun. You WANT Jer to adopt him, he will, money isn’t an issue to him…..just the kids.
cmagohneo (10:17:53 PM): this will be printed
cmagohneo (10:18:07 PM): the kids will see u for what u r
stephiemneo (10:18:24 PM): Wow, you’re delusional
stephiemneo (10:18:32 PM): I didn’t say I was giving my kids away over money
stephiemneo (10:18:34 PM): You just did
cmagohneo (10:18:41 PM): no money,yea
cmagohneo (10:18:56 PM): i just want to see them
stephiemneo (10:19:06 PM): Whatever
cmagohneo (10:19:18 PM): i just want to see them
cmagohneo (10:19:29 PM): u r evil
cmagohneo (10:19:37 PM): how do u sleep
stephiemneo (10:19:42 PM): Very well
cmagohneo (10:19:54 PM): so does the devil
cmagohneo (10:20:00 PM): greed
stephiemneo (10:20:02 PM): You would know
cmagohneo (10:20:19 PM): the kids will see
stephiemneo (10:20:27 PM): They already do
cmagohneo (10:20:38 PM): your version
cmagohneo (10:20:46 PM): drama
stephiemneo (10:20:59 PM): That’s like the pot calling the kettle black
cmagohneo (10:21:05 PM): nomoredramamomma
cmagohneo (10:21:17 PM): your black
cmagohneo (10:21:46 PM): u r not black
cmagohneo (10:21:50 PM): sorry
cmagohneo (10:22:01 PM): i just miss my kids
stephiemneo (10:22:11 PM): Geesh, please go away you’re making no sense and I’m busy with class
cmagohneo (10:22:26 PM): and u are keeping them from me but taking my money
stephiemneo (10:22:34 PM): No….
stephiemneo (10:22:39 PM): That’s not true
cmagohneo (10:22:55 PM): i want to see my kids on my way there
stephiemneo (10:23:16 PM): DO NOT COME HERE
cmagohneo (10:23:25 PM): call the cops i want my children
cmagohneo (10:23:36 PM): i want to see my kids
stephiemneo (10:23:48 PM): Go sober up
cmagohneo (10:23:50 PM): its been long enough
cmagohneo (10:24:02 PM): i dont drink
stephiemneo (10:24:05 PM): We don’t need any drama
stephiemneo (10:24:26 PM): Good night

Lake Tahoe

We’re in Lake Tahoe on our honeymoon.

The wedding was beautiful, the marriage is better. Everyone kept commenting about how happy we seem. The truth is we really are that happy.

10391728_202434015198_586710_n 10391728_202434030198_4324219_n1930857_43109520198_2748_n  10391728_202415205198_7637847_n10391728_202415180198_4846034_n10391728_202415185198_5932077_n      10391728_202415200198_6725329_n

We’ve already weathered a lot of storms. It’s simply breathtaking to be here. Yes, Lake Tahoe is gorgeous and so peaceful, but I’m talking about being in that place in our relationship … partnership. It’s certainly something that I’ve never experienced before. We’re soaking it all in.

What else can I tell you?

Umm… let’s see. We love it here. We got a free upgrade to a convertible Mustang from a Ford Focus because we’re on our honeymoon. It’s been so amazing to drive around Lake Tahoe with the top down. We found an amazing little french bakery with the best chocolate croissants. We found a little lakeside seafood joint with actual garlic fries and strong rum-runners, which led to us making out in the car by the lake while Labor Day fireworks were going off. That was a magical moment. Our neighbors banged on their ceiling to tell us to quiet down. ITS OUR HONEYMOON, FOLKS. teehee. I cut my hair the first day here. I couldn’t take it anymore. We had IN&OUT Burger for the first time.

Oh, and somehow I got an anonymous text the first night we were here from our area code back home, 330-000-0000 that read: why didnt you wait for me? WTF is that? It send chills down my spine. I don’t even know how one sends or receives an anonymous text but I’m not wasting this precious time worrying about that


We’re going to take a sunset dinner cruise before we leave.

I miss my babies.



If I haven’t said so… I’m planning a wedding.

Jer and I are getting married Labor Day weekend. I’m thrilled. I know I got the right guy and after everything that’s happened, its high time to get together with those who love us and CELEBRATE!!!

Turns out that’s not so easy because everyone has their own life, with their own issues and their own ideas that somehow have to be taken into account…for our wedding?

Case in point, my cousin, Ni. We’ve been close our whole lives. I was her maid of honor in her wedding and I always planned to have her as mine. The day after Jer proposed to me, I asked her to be my maid of honor. At the time she was living out of state and so, I was delighted when she and her husband decided to relocate their family 5 minutes away. I’ve wrote about that before. Once they get here, Jer and Ni’s husband, Jo, start hanging out and since we’re trying to keep the wedding party all family, Jer asks him to be his best man. Cool. Except as soon as we do, Ni starts talking about how we need to be sure to have my Aunt Chey, who is doing my photography and did hers as well, get a picture of her and Jo all dressed up since she didn’t get one of the two of them together at her own wedding. (It was the first wedding Chey ever did, as a favor, free). Then Ni asks me to make her daughter a flower girl with my daughter in the wedding. I tell her that its a special thing for the kids as I am getting remarried and want them to feel important to the event.

Six months after asking Ni to be in the wedding and four months after her arriving to Ohio, it was time to go pick out her dress. We go and try on dresses and end up picking out our favorites, which were dresses she had posted pictures of on my MySpace as suggestions.

This is when the 1st SNAFOO happens:My cousin Li goes to try on dresses (she’s out of state) and the first dress is not “holding her in”. They don’t have the other dress Ni and I had listed so she says she will go back after we actually order Ni’s dress. We decide we’ll go with Dress #2

SNAFOO 2:Before we are supposed to go order the dress, Ni tells me, not by phone or face to face, but via MySpace, that her stimulus check didn’t show up and won’t be here for about a month so she can’t afford the dress right now. She asks me if I can buy it for her and she’ll pay me back out of her husband’s bonus check at the end of the month. This is problematic for obvious reasons (I have so many other wedding expenses and am far from financially able to front money like this) but was worsened by the knowledge that she had six months to get this money together, had the money to eat pratically every night, was ready to make a purchase amounting to the dress cost the weekend prior to receiving this message and that she had to add in … “I don’t have parents I can borrow it from like you“. Despite all this – I bit my tongue and tell her I will figure out a way to order the dress and we’ll go the following weekend. The next message doesn’t offer any appreciation to this effort but instead a “Geesh! it’s not like you’re giving me the money-you’re just fronting it. It’s not like I wanted this to happen.” Bite tongue again….move on.   My Mom says she will pay for it with her credit card so we can get it ordered and Ni can just pay her back. We go down to order the dress and decide to try on a couple more dresses before placing the order. I don’t like any other as much as the first dress we picked out and they all have the same problem presenting for my other cousin (bridesmaid) in that they were strapless. Dress #2 also covers Ni’s tattoo on her breast, as SHE wanted, and would look great on both she and Li so we order Dress #2.

In the meantime, Ni’s rent gets behind and they need the bonus money for the rent and now she’ll pay my Mom back out of her stimulus, when she got it. Whatever. When we go to pick up Dress #2, I decide to get a new wedding dress. To make a long story short… I bought my dream dress years ago and never wore it, so I was going to wear it now, BUT my dreams have changed I guess. No big deal. Ni is actually excited about the whole thing, and I find a dress, get to see her dress against it, love it, order it. We go on our way.

SNAFOO 3 – Out of nowhere Jo decides he is unhappy here in Ohio and not making enough money so they are moving back to Virginia in less than two weeks. This is CRAZY! All the reasons they moved to Ohio, being closer to family, our kids growing up together, better schools, etc, etc, still remain. This also means that they will need their stimulus check for their relocation – again. I begin asking if they are sure they will be back for the wedding because the move is going to cost a lot of money on top of still needing to get Jo’s tux, Ni’s shoes, accessories and alterations for the wedding and now renting a car or airfare and a hotel. She’s taken back when I mention the hotel, because she assumed that they would be staying with us.

Ok…stop here, have you ever gone to any wedding and thought you would just bunk up at the bride and groom’s place???

Anyways, I side-step that pile of poo and explain it’s going to be crazy and I’ll have to talk to Jer about it because that would be a lot more stressful and that we don’t know how the kids are going to be feeling then and blah, blah, blah. She actually tells me at this point that if they can’t stay with us, then they can’t be in the wedding. Now I’m out a best man and maid of honor if I don’t let them stay with us. (At this point, I start thinking how I’m gonna pay my Mom back for this maid of honor dress now that no one else can wear and my GOD what if I had made her daughter a flower girl – AHHH!) Of course, when I tell Jer, he thinks the whole thing is nuts, he says that ever since I asked Ni to be in the wedding it’s been nothing but problems and I’ve been stressed out. That I should have a maid of honor who can deal with her own stuff because I have enough to take care of.

The next day, I get a MySpace message, Ni decides, for MY SAKE, that they aren’t going to be in the wedding, but they will definitely be here for the wedding. She wouldn’t miss it.  I’m disappointed, but at this point its almost a relief because its been nothing but stress and I really didn’t think it was going to work out and didn’t want all this to ruin our relationship.  I call David’s Bridal and tell them the situation, ask if there’s anything we can do with the dress, they tell me I can bring it in for store credit, more or less. I still need shoes and all that jazz so, that works for me and my Mom. Sigh of relief. I tell her I’m disappointed, but I understand that she’s just not in a place in her life right now where this could work out and it really only mattered that she was there. I tell her that I’ll get the dress from her and can get store credit, yada, yada yada …

The next day was the day my cousin Li was going to order her dress. She goes and tries on several dresses, I told her so long as it was the same color, fabric, length, she could get what she felt comfortable in because at this point there is no bridal party. She calls me and tells me that they have a dress that matches my wedding gown and comes in the color and she really likes it. She says if I still want the other dress she’ll order it because it’s my wedding. (What a revelation!) I look it up online while shes on the phone and I like it and since she’s the only one in the wedding at this point it doesn’t really matter, and if thats what she feels comfortable in – all the better, her Mom says it looks great, I’m fine with it….so she orders that dress.

SNAFOO #4 – Two hours after Li orders her dress, Ni calls me and tells me that she and Jo have talked about it and since they are definitely coming no matter what…it wouldn’t cost much more to be in the wedding so long as my Mom can wait for her to pay her back…again, they’ll be there. I tell her I don’t think it will be a problem and that I will talk to my Mom. I start telling her about Li going to the store and ordering her dress and that she got a different dress but its the same color and that she was going to upload a pic to MySpace soon. We get off the phone and shortly after she sees the pictures of Li in her dress she calls me back and starts asking if since David’s Bridal was going to give me a store credit if she could take her dress back because she tried this dress on and it was more flattering and if she keeps the dress she had now she would have to pay extra to get a good girdle to hold her and she would feel really fat standing next to Li. Now, I’m just annoyed. Now she’s bitching about a dress that not only did she pick out with me and try on, but she hasn’t even paid for? I tell her that the store was only willing to do that to help me out and it would make me look stupid if she tried to exchange it because they knew who she was. I tell her if she wants to call them she can. We get off the phone. I’m stressed out all night. I decide to go back through the pictures we took in the different dresses and realize she had never even tried the dress Li ended up with on. There was one similar, but it was strapless which was why we stuck with Dress #2.

Final straw SNAFOO- I get a phone call the next morning from Li who sounds really hurt, because Ni called her and left her a voicemail, after not calling her for any reason for months, telling her that the dress Li got was the one she originally wanted and that she would feel fat standing next to her in her other dress. I don’t even know what the purpose of that call was. Was she supposed to change her order? Was it just to make her feel bad? I just didn’t get it and after thinking about it, I just decided Jer was right and after all, it’s his wedding too. This was the whole reason I just wanted to have family in the wedding party, to avoid this kinda shit.  I couldn’t deal with all this and that was it. This whole thing was turning into a nightmare fast and was taking away from the only thing that mattered to me to begin with … Me & Jer.

I had to go home on my lunch break to submit a project to my professor by a deadline. Since messaging seems to be her preferred mode of communication I signed onto Yahoo Messenger and started talking to her. Basically, I tell her that it’s not working out and it’s more stress that I don’t need, that ever since I asked her to be in the wedding it’s been all about her and I need someone to help me and I have to draw the line. She says the only way its about her is because of her money situation. I point out that this isn’t just happening TO her, that she had plenty of time to buy this dress and the way she went about bringing up how she didn’t have parents to ask to borrow the money from was not cool. She starts acting like a victim of me, the horrible, bitch bridezilla, says she was willing to do whatever she had to to be in my wedding (except of course wear a dress that she didn’t pay for but got to pick but didn’t like) She immediately goes into getting nasty and character attacking me, saying that I didn’t do anything for her wedding (let me mention at this point that I lived out of state, that I didn’t even get to see the dress for her wedding, much less pick one out and try it on before ordering it and I paid for it myself and drove from Ohio to Virginia TWICE for wedding stuff and that I asked if she wanted a bachelorette party and she said no, that wasn’t her thing and she didn’t want Jo to have a bachelor’s party) that she understood now why my sister didn’t want to be in the wedding ( my sister isn’t into the whole wedding gig and having a lot of attention on her – no big deal) and that I would regret doing this to her and that she and her mother, my Aunt Terry, wouldn’t be attending (nannynannybooboo). I told her she didn’t need to act that way. That it wasn’t a dramatic situation, it just wasn’t working out. She told me I was the one being dramatic. She told me she would let Jerm pick up the dress because she didn’t want to see me. I tell her she doesn’t need to be immature and that I would come get the dress because I was going back down to Davids to pick up my dress that night.

I drive over, she opens the door, thrusts the dress at me and then slams the door in my face.

When I send her a message in the next couple days asking when they need Jer there to move stuff, she says No Thanks, your Dad is helping. He has Parkinson’s. Obviously, he can’t so I explain that Jer will be there to help my Dad and my Dad was counting on that, if she can’t be civil, I’ll just have my Dad call when he’s on his way. Then I ask if I can bring the kids over to say good-bye to the kids before they leave town and she tells me I won’t be able to see the kids before they leave because she doesn’t wish to see me.

ARE YOU F***IN KIDDING ME? now our kids, our daughters being best friends, aren’t allowed to see each other because YOU’RE mad at ME? I can’t see who I consider to be my niece and nephew and tell them good-bye? Who the fuck does this shit? That really upset me. I thought it was extremely selfish and unfair. Then for extra measure, she removed not only me, but Li , from her TOP 8 on MySpace and her Mom did the same (EWWWW! Burn! insert eyeroll. WTF?) I swear to God its the most immature, crazy bullshit ever. Then her Mom, who never contacts me, sends me a message on MySpace saying that I should take the picture down of Ni and I in our dresses at the store off my page. I just deleted them both, not out of spite, but just to spare myself the bullshit and avoid anymore unnecessary drama. I had to have my Mom take the kids over to say “good-bye” and Ni hasn’t said a word to me since.

When Li goes over to my Nana’s house in Kentucky, where my Ni’s Mom lives, she confronts Li saying that she’s not mad at her but that what I did wasn’t right. What the hell does she have to be mad about? Then to top it off my Aunt Terry has told people that she isn’t coming to the wedding and never even bothered to know the whole story. My Mom was THERE and she knows what happened and she still didn’t treat Ni with such disdain.  But I regress because there isn’t anything I can do about it. People believe what they want, or need, to believe.

I have done a lot in my life to rid it of petty drama. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. After everything me and my children have been through, you’d think my impending marriage would matter more than some ridiculous dress, but if these people can’t get that and be happy for me and my children, family or not, I’m just not going to deal with it. It’s their loss and I’m not going to let the happiest time of my life be dragged through the mud over bullshit.

That my friends is why brides lose their shit.


My father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease today.

Everything stops when you hear a diagnosis like that. Literally. You don’t hear anything else, see anything else. That’s it. It’s surreal. The sound in my mother’s voice was well, pretty much undescribable, so I won’t try.

I called a friend of mine and asked him a lot of questions. Knowledge is power, right? I still didn’t feel any better.

Then I called my sister. I told her to meet me at my parents house.

My Dad was so happy to see us there together.

Then he went upstairs and broke down and cried with my Mom. They both came downstairs together. My Dad said “So, as it turns out there’s something wrong.” It would have been something we’d joke about if it hadn’t been so damn serious. For months, me and my sister have done what we do, pick on Dad, telling him he’s getting too slow for 53 years old and to go see a doctor’s for God’s sake. His one arm was weaker than the other, we thought a rotator cuff tear or something…we shut out anything worse.

And then my Dad did the most amazing thing a Dad could do. He took us in his arms and he cried. He said “I’m gonna have my cry.” I told him that I wanted him to know that we loved him and that he and Mom had always seen us through everything and that we would see him through this. And he said, ” I know … that’s why I’m not going to feel sorry for myself and I’m not afraid, because I know you guys love me and we’ll deal with it together as it comes.

Then we had our cry and then Dad sat back in his recliner like he always does and me, Mom and sister all sat and talked with him and laughed with him and life went on.

I can’t tell you how difficult it is to face one of your own parents mortality. There aren’t any words for that. Just tears. In the face of realizing that my Dad was only human, I also thought he was the strongest and bravest guy in the world.

My Dad, my hero.

Today is one of those days. those moments in life, where everything ceases to exist except one thing. The thing that matters. Life. Life and everything that comes with it. The good, the bad, the laughter, the tears. It’s one of those moments where you have such clarity about what matters and what doesn’t that you can’t believe you missed for so long.

Mommy … I see dead people

From the time he started talking, my youngest son has talked about things I can’t really explain.

He has told me that he died when he was a baby and that his other Mommy was sad.

He was sitting on a swing set once and started giggling and when I asked what was so funny, he said a spirit had pushed him on the swing.

Last night, was a little weirder. I woke up to him crying at 4am in the morning. He came into my room and told me he was scared and when I asked him why, he said, “Mommy, I see dead people“. I can’t explain how creepy this is in the middle of the night in a pitch dark room, but I choke back my need to freak out, and asked what he was talking about. He tells me that there was a spirit in his room and “he” looked mad. So, I give him a hug and tell him it’s ok and he says, “who’s that behind you?

This is the point where all the hair on my body stands on end and I don’t know whether to run from the room screaming or play the logical mother. I sat blinking at him, wide eyed as I mustered all the brave in me. I turn around to see …. nothing. Thinking about this now, had something, anything, been there…I believe I literally would have passed out.

We talked about it a little more today, with the lights on in every room of the house, of course and he is still insisting on the fact that he sees “spirits” all the time. I talked about how maybe the spirits are lost and don’t know where to go or what to do and maybe he should ask what he can do. He tells me he sees “him” in the bathroom too, I said, well say what you’d say to anyone in the bathroom, “What are you doing in here, I have to pee?” Then he got teary eyed and whispered, “What about the black ones” to which I replied, “Well, maybe he’s just dirty and that’s why he was in the bathroom ….bath time.

Ahhh…the never-ending parenting challenges.

More paranormal updates to come?

I’ll believe it when I see it

Today was visitation day for the kids with the El Chupa Douchebag. He called this morning to see who would be attending as in recent weeks both of the boys have more or less thrown in the towel in regards to playing the games their father engages in. I tell him it will most likely only be Diva. He says that sucks. I concur, but what can I do? He asks to talk to the boys and only Jedi will come to the phone.

Before I hand the phone over I hear Stankcy and PlayDoh in the background and I ask him if he can go somewhere alone so that when Jedi gets on the phone that he doesn’t hear PlayDoh as there are so many issues that involve him. Apparently when he goes away to get some quiet private time, “she” freaks out because “she” thinks he’s talking to me. This gets him pretty heated and they get into an argument. I explain that I’m not trying to cause problems, that I don’t care about “her” or “them” but I’m just trying to make things work for the kids. He says he knows, which shocks me and then he goes on to tell me that she’s a selfish bitch and that he’s started to see all the ways in which she has destroyed his relationship with “his family”.As I expected, Jedi has a meltdown about going to see his El Chupa so I take Diva over to my parents so that they can transport her to the visit.

I’m crying it’s just really emotionally draining to see your kids stress so much over seeing their “father”, for the love of God.

I send him a text message letting him know we’re running a few minutes late and that only Diva will be coming. He calls the house and is actually cordial to Jer. Asks him if there is anything he can do to help. Jer tells him he doesn’t know and he’ll have me call him later. El Chupa calls my cell and asks me what he can do. I tell him that all I can offer is my opinion and I already know he doesn’t want to hear it. He tells me that I’m the mother of his children, that makes my opinion matter. (Who is this person?)  I tell him… the kids problem with you is that: 1. they don’t like the way they see/hear you treat me and;;

2. that you live with “her” and after everything they feel like you betrayed them – those are their words, not mine. He actually says, that he can see why they might feel that way. I tell him that he needs to understand that they don’t feel that way because of me though. He stops me and tells me he knows. I tell him that he needs to stop telling them that he’s not mad and that he’s not being mean to anybody because they’re not stupid, they know he has and then they think he’s a liar. I tell him what you need to say is “I’m sorry, I’ve been a jerk. I was wrong. .I’ll try harder” and then DO IT.

He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him I don’t want to hear “sorry”, I’ve heard it for 10 years, enough, I just want him to make it right with them. He tells me he will. He says she’s a selfish bitch and she’s made this situation a win-win for her and a lose-lose for him and that he was blinded by it for way too long. I tell him I tried to tell him, but he didn’t want to her it. He says he couldn’t hear it. I told him that Jer even says that everything changed when he moved in with her. Sure, we had our issues and arguments, but we were always able to set it aside for the kids. We had dinner together and went to school functions together and they spent the night when they wanted. Then that stopped because “she” was jealous of him being around me, of his relationship with the kids. “She” started filling his head with b.s. because it worked to her advantage to turn him against us, but HE LET HER. He tells me he’s going to make it right.

That might have been a good decision a YEAR AGO.


The thing that makes this strange is that on Thursday he signed the papers ending our Shared Parenting Plan, giving me full custody and legal guardianship of the kids. The only parenting rights he retained were supervised visits. In the past, when he has played this hand with me, it has been prior to a court decision or agreement in Order to make me feel sorry for him and to cut him some slack. That’s not the case now.

I’m very suspicious of ulterior motives here. I’m also keenly aware that in the past, I was the “selfish bitch” so I don’t like the finger pointing that’s going on there, but he did also say it wasn’t just that, that it was his own actions as well.

Diva comes home from visitation and says “Daddy says he’s not going to be a jerk anymore“. My Mom says, “He was different today

Weird. That’s all I can say.

I’ll believe it when I see it.