Ummm…. so, I made an interesting find.

I am up this late (or early), completing my final exams and essays for school. I just finished them up and shuffled some papers around on the desk when what to my wonderous eyes should appear, but a catalog order form from a jewelry store.

So, one of two things is about to happen…

1. Jer is getting ready to or has bought me jewelry of some sort


2. Jer is getting ready to or has bought jewelry of some sort for some other person.

Now of course, I can’t say anything. I have to wait and see what happens. And what is a reasonable amount of time to wait for this jewelry to surface? Christmas is two months away. I did mention a watch and a diamond solitaire necklace when we discussed Christmas last week.


Moving on

I survived yesterday. The would’ve been 7 year anniversary.

It started out completely horrible. I tossed and turned Friday night. Thinking about everything that has happened in my life over the past year. Thinking of all the hurt and pain. I tried to cry quietly, but Jer didn’t buy that I had the “sniffles” and eventually, I caved and just let him take care of me. He listened to every painful, angry word or question that left my mouth. He wiped away my tears and held me in his arms. And when I apologized and told him this wasn’t fair to him, that he shouldn’t have to deal with it, he held me tighter and told me he was a part of me and so it would take part of him to make this right, to make it heal and to make it go away. He assured me that he was in this for the long haul and that instead of being the one who let me fall, he’d always be the one to catch me.

My Mom called me Saturday morning to “check on me” and I about had an emotional breakdown. And then when my Dad called, “just to say I love you and tell you how proud I am of you” I lost it.  I put on Saturday morning cartoons for the kids and went up to my room, curled up in a ball on my bed and sobbed. It struck me in that moment that even when he had laid in that very bed next to me, I had been completely alone and I wasn’t anymore. I had just about  pulled myself together, got the kids ready to head out to pick up Jerm and thought I was ok, when I got in the car and heard, ” Who Knew” by Pink.

Here’s the problem with being a real fan of an artist. You buy the CD when it first comes out and you love every track. You find the tracks that haven’t yet been released, you relate to them fully and then a year later, when that track is released on radio airways, you can get set back 365 days in 30 seconds flat.

The past is a burden that I have to put down.

And so, yesterday…. on what would’ve been my 7 year wedding anniversary…. I made a vow to myself. A vow that I would never forget myself, ever again, no matter what.

And I’m moving on.


The judge did not extend my protection order because there wasn’t another act of violence or threat of violence. She did however say that if “we” ended up before her again, that she would automatically grant a 5 year protection order with no exceptions regarding the kids.

My attorney told me in private later that he tried to play up EX’s instability and volatile nature. He told me that he would be surprised if I didn’t end up with another protection order within six months. He said he believes that EX is an easily angered petty fool, and that he will do something stupid. Just something else to look forward to.

More interesting news came out of today. El Chupa’s attorney revealed somethings. Apparently, there are problems in paradise. El Chupa is on the verge of losing his job. “She” is on the verge of losing her house. And although, we were informed that “they” are getting married “soon” El Chupa’s attorney advised that they are having a lot of problems.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about that.

I mean on one hand, I’m not surprised. I knew as much from the sporadic, sniffle filled apologies that I receive in voicemails and such. After having him cheat on me and destroy our family and put our kids through the hell, it’s a little vindicating to know he’s getting what he deserves. But on the other hand, how sad, that after all the pain and heartache he caused us, it’s all for nothing. How pathetic that his pride in appearances means more than seeing his own children.

And with that. …. I’m at a lost for words.


Today someone told me there was a picture of El Chupa proposing to the woman he cheated on me with and broke our family up for.

All while being cheered on by his family.

After everything, seeing it, physically makes me sick.

It was a year ago tonight that this gentleman so lovingly put his hand around my throat and then laughed sadistically when he saw me shaking in fear.

Last week, I had to have my attorney file contempt charges in order to get him to support HIS children the way he is supposed to. Looks like he had money for a ring … but not a shirt. Did I mention he’s in jeans and a leather vest in the picture? Is he part of the Village People now?

Thursday, I have to take my very nervous children to have a supervised visit with their “Daddy” in front of a social worker, for the first time in 4 MONTHS.

This Saturday, would’ve been OUR seven year wedding anniversary.

Somethings just hurt, no matter how far away you think you are from them.

I’m going to throw up now.

You wouldn’t like me angry.

Stephanie, has decided that it’s time to take the gloves off.

Somehow it has finally sunk into my head that no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter and I’m a bitch. So… as of today, I gave my attorney the go ahead to rake my El Chupa’s ass across the coals. I filed for an extension and modification of my restraining order IMMEDIATELY and 4 charges of contempt:

1- for not paying my attorney his fees from the divorce

2- for not getting medical insurance on the kids

3- for not paying 1/2 of the child care costs

4- for not paying the Jeep payment.

If he isn’t going to handle his business, I’ll handle it for him. I’m done playing these games and worrying myself sick.  I’m done being a victim.

Fuck gloves!

I’m going for full on bitch slap with a wet back hand to his fake ass.

She’s finally lost it

For the last couple days I have been extremely nauseated. It’s been horrible. I was pretty sure it was stress.

This morning I woke up and it was 100x worse, I started vomiting, the room was spinning…etc, etc. Despite that, I got all dressed up, heels and all, took the kids to daycare, went to work, where I got sick again and promptly had to leave.
I made a dr. appointment. He says I must have something viral, put me on a liquid diet for 2 days, wrote me a script, a dr. note to stay home from work today and tomorrow and then ordered me to come home and go to bed (see how well I listen).

When I went to the front desk to get my prescription, the snotty new girl starts telling me how my insurance isn’t any good and I need to pay for my visit up front. I explain to her that it’s an insurance mistake, I am covered, I will take care of it and call them with the info and she insists I must pay for this and that. This is the point where I finally lost it.

I had a complete emotional breakdown, right there, in front of EVERYONE.

I know, I’m exhausted, I’m sick and I’m under insane amounts of stress, but still, not so classy to be crying in front of the bitchy office staff while they look at me like I’m nuts. Thankfully, the office manager, who knows EVERYTHING about me, my situation and knows that I’ve been a patient there for 10+ years, promptly handed Miss Thing her ass on a platter and sent me on my way.

I cried the whole way home.
I just really don’t know how much more I can take. I just want all this custody dispute and legal horseshit to be done and over with. It’s too much stress.


After writing this, I went upstairs to lay down as directed by my doctor and I couldn’t sleep because the phone kept ringing. Guess who it was? The car loan company, calling to ask me where the payment for EX’s Jeep is. He was 33 days late with August’s payment and now September’s payment is 19 days past due, with October’s payment due in 11 days. I explain to them that we are divorced, he was given the Jeep in the divorce, he is responsible for payments, they tell me that the civil dispute between us has nothing to do with the contract we signed that holds me legally responsible for the payment. When I ask them if they are calling him at home, on his cell and at work they tell me that when they call they are told it’s a wrong number. I verify the numbers with them, they are correct, I tell them he calls me from those numbers almost every night. They tell me there is nothing they can do. Except harass me apparently.

(insert lots of obscenity laced screaming here)

When I asked EX to take care of this, he told me he did. When I called him and confronted him about it telling him it was still past due, he told me that he used the car payment money to pay for the guardian ad litem.

That means it took him nearly two months to come up with $350 for the guardian ad litem fees, NOT PAYING THE JEEP PAYMENT as well, which gave him an additional $450 dollars, yet somehow he found the money to go out of town on Labor Day with his skanky girlfriend.

He actually told me the other day that I should pay it since he gives me “FREE MONEY” i.e. child support, every month because he has a $2000 mortgage payment to pay every month.

No, your skanky hoe has a $2000 a month mortgage payment and let us not forget that she is a Director of Nursing, so she makes good money and she also gets “free money” every month for her 3 kids.

Tell me again, how is this now my problem?

In a round about way, it’s as if it’s more important to keep a roof over her kids’ heads than his own?

Words just don’t surmise to describe how much I loathe him right now.

Seriously, I’m gonna snap.

Perhaps, it’s time to start summoning the bitch he and his family make me out to be.

After all, I hate to disappoint.

Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel is a train? 10/2/07


This is not what I wanted at all. I just kicked off my high horse. There was not soft place to fall. It hurts. A lot.

Sunday night after the post, after flying high, after feeling content, I went downstairs to some laundry and when I was done, I decided to go into “the office” and leave Jerm a silly message and tape it to his computer so he would see it in the morning.

While I’m sitting there, an IM pops up on the screen. It’s from a girl. Innocent enough. But then she says something else, and something else, and something else and my smile fades from my face and my heart sinks into my stomach, and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m going to vomit.

I snap out of it and go into mission mode…pulling up all the archived conversations. This cannot be happening. This is a bad dream. Please, let it be a bad dream.

I print them out. I have to physically hold them out of cyber space and see the words. All of them. About 20 pages of them. I saw the words. I knew what they were even through blurry, tear-filled eyes and shaking hands. This would not be another time in my life where I pretend this isn’t happening.

I take them all upstairs. He’s sleeping in MY bed, in MY room, in MY house…peacefully. I’m enraged. I slam the door open and turn on the light. He shoots up out of bed in a daze. I throw the pages in his face and tell him to get the fuck out of my house. He’s looking for something to say, but there is nothing to say. It’s all there in black and white now.

I don’t remember what he said or if he said anything. The next thing I remember is being curled up in a ball on the floor in the kitchen, sobbing like someone had just ripped my heart out. Asking why he did this. Asking what is wrong with me that makes people do horrible shit like this to me. Screaming that it hurts as if Im physically feeling the pain. And it did. It hurt really fuckin bad.

And then he was there. He was on the floor with me. And he is crying.

And as much as I want to finish this post…. I never will.

The light at the end of the tunnel?

The past couple weeks have been rough.

Jedi ended up with a concussion from his accident, I exchanged heated words with my ex- MIL, Jedi and Diva came down with bronchitis, I got some weird cold/bug, my drains in the basement starting backing up, my TV took a dump, etc, etc, etc…

Lets just focus on one thing: I have to vent about this ex-MIL thing.

She actually had the audacity to accuse me of keeping the kids away from El Chuba and her and told me what a horrible human being that made me. I. Am. HEATED.

First and foremost, it’s not true. He has supervised visits and he has refused to take them because he won’t “pay” to see his children. (i.e. he has to pay a social worker to be there with him) Nevermind that this was absolutely NOT what I wanted, but the only choice left with to protect the children, after he flat out refused to cooperate as Court ORDERED. This is a Court thing, not a ME thing.

THIS coming from a woman, who strategically kept ElChuba’s biological father away from him 30 YEARS!!! Not for any good reason, except that she slept with one man and got pregnant while she was “on a break” from another man and then decided to leave the country with the other man, making ElChuba believe he was his father for years while he horrifically abused him and all the while, there was this other man, his REAL FATHER, who maybe, could have done better, but we’ll never know. (severe eyeroll) And this is also the woman who split up her current husband’s family when she had an affair with him, and they ran away together, leaving his ex-wife and own child high and dry while she got him to adopt her three boys, all by different fathers. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I also just recalled how she said once, about ElChuba’s ex-wife/Pickle’s egg donor: “She keeps telling people he is keeping her from Pickle, but I can tell you as a parent, there isn’t ANYTHING that could keep you from your child. you’d move heaven and Earth if you had to.”

Well, my how our opinions are so easily turned for convenience.

And the worst part, is that she doesn’t even see how all the shitty decisions she made play into the “man” ElChuba has become. Why he is so paranoid, why he doesn’t love himself, why he lies to get approval. It’s just sad.

So after all these realizations… I’ve finally reached the point where I genuinely don’t give a shit what she says or thinks.
Then, somehow, after pointing out all of the holes in her and ElChuba’s story, he finally came up with the money to have supervised visits with the kids. Isn’t it ironic? Doncha think?

He actually called the kids and played up his current martyr status, by saying, “I told you Daddy wouldn’t give up.” Then he got on the phone with me and told me how much he missed the kids and how unfair all of this has been TO HIM. And how he needs to see his kids to keep him grounded. Which I am sure is code for …I’m drinking like a fish and need to play up the victim role and use this situation as my excuse to drink more.

Unfair to him? What about the kids? If anyone is a victim in all this, it’s them! And if anyone’s a martyr, it’s me. But I don’t want to be a martyr and I don’t want my kids to be victims.

We’ll be survivors THANK YOU VERY MUCH and no matter what anybody else does or says, we’re all going to be just fine.This is what grown ups are supposed to do instead of pointing fingers. This is how you make things happen.

Case in point:
Jer got a promotion and a raise at work this week, I got a raise and a side business investment offer from my BIG boss who is VERY impressed with me. We got a new 42″ flat panel TV, I got the drains fixed in the basement for a bargain, and I finally got my ass out of that shitter of a car ElChuba left me with so he could get his Jeep and got back the car I really wanted……….
The 2007 Chevy Equinox, in my own name, no co-signer.

Maybe it’s a little vain, but really it feels good to have replaced the 42″ plasma he had to take with him with a better one, that Jer valued my opinion in picking out and to get out from under that car deal that I felt so screwed over about, all on my own, and into something better.


It feels really good.

Memorandum to God

I would never dream to question your ultimate plan for my life. Much to my surprise, even the darkest of days have always seemed to have had their purpose as things panned out. I know you’re never supposed to give me more than I can handle. However, I also know you are very busy and I thought just maybe you’ve been preoccupied with other things, such as the atrocities in the world that make my circumstance pale in comparison. So, I’ve composed this little memo to let you know that I’ve officially gotten all I can handle. I’m flattered you think so much of me, but really, I’m not this strong. I’m weak and tired. I need some sleep. I need some peace and serenity.