I know a lot of women will be able to relate, when I say that I cry about everything. Even more so right before my period starts. And I don’t mean that I’m like depressed or that when my feelings get hurt I cry, in fact vulnerability tends to make me lash out, but if I’m watching something on TV that is emotional, I cry. If somebody does or says something sentimental, I cry. Not BOOHOOHOO sobbing….just tears…just crying.

Well, last night we were watching The Biggest Loser and these people are very candid and forthcoming with their emotions. I’ve gotten a tear or two in my eye listening to them talk about their spouses and their children or watching them reunite with their families. But something really unexpected came up last night.

Seth’s son had a seizure when he got back home. See, usually when this subject comes up, I know when it’s coming and I can be on guard. This came out of left field. Here is this grown man on national TV getting all choked up about his son having a seizure, going into great detail about how helpless he felt and how it makes you realize how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. Everything he said hit me so hard that I really started crying. I did that whole thing where you suck in breath sharply….you know…the ugly cry. I dunno, when he started talking about how he felt watching his son have a seizure and how completely devastating it was, I remembered the day it happened to Pickle last April all over again. And it struck me that I never really talked to anybody about it.

This might be long…..

What happened was that Pickle had spent the night over at my in law’s house. It was Saturday morning and I was out getting milk when my husband called the cell and told me that his Mom called and said that Pickle was acting sick. He had been acting weird overnight and seemed really out of it and could barely keep his eyes open. We know now that this was because he was having partial seizures. It looks like a blank stare. When it’s happening to you, you  don’t hear anything around you and afterwards you are wiped out. Looking on, you don’t really see anything, unless you happen to be talking to him at the time and he just stops talking and stares. My mother in law said she would meet me at the doctor’s office since they were getting ready to close for the rest of the weekend.

I remember when I opened the door to her car and saw him in the backseat, I knew something was really wrong. I reached in and picked him up and carried him into the office. He slept through all of this. He slept through me putting him on a the doctor’s table, the nurse taking his blood pressure and temp. This was not my child. When the doctor came in, we talked in a whisper as not to wake him while she assessed the situation. She had just said the words, “I’m baffled” when he sat up and looked at me and said “Mom” So I started to take a step toward him when I noticed he seemed to be falling sideways. I ran and caught his head and sat him  up and I said “What’s going on, can you tell me what’s going on?”. He didn’t answer and so the doctor said, “Honey, can you answer your Mommy?” and still no answer. At this point I was in some strange place between panicking and trying to seem not panicked to keep  him calm. You know I’m shooting the doctor a look like  “FIX IT!” and looking at him like, “It’s ok….” Then, he started convulsing violently.

I just felt like the universe had suddenly gone in slow motion. This would be the longest minute of my life. What I can say is THANK GOD we were in the doctor’s office and she was there with me, really THANK GOD. She snapped me out of  shock by  screaming at me to let go of his head and to put him on his side. I’m standing there trying not to hold him down but making sure he’s not going to roll off this table. So much running through my head….is he going to make it, he’s already been through so much, this is stupid egg donors fault somehow, why didn’t his Dad bring him, when will this stop, is this it, God, why are you letting this happen, stop, stop, please stop. All I can remember is saying his name over and over, until my voice cracked, and I started crying.  I was devastated and scared out of my mind. The doctor threw open the exam room door and tells the nurse to call for squad. Then she runs over and helps me with him.

He stopped convulsing and throws up. And then he looks at me with this very scared look in his eye and says, “Mommy” and he just went limp in my arms. The doctor tells me to lay him down and she pulls his eyelids up, his eyes are rolled back in his head. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to stay calm and not upset him but I wanted to sob and I wanted to scream “DO SOMETHING”.

The ambulance squad came in the room and picked him up and started securing him to a gurney. I ran down the hall and opened the door to the waiting room where MIL was waiting. I tried my best to stay calm but, I’m sure I just looked panicked. I was trying to tell her what happened when my husband picked up at the house. Somewhere in the middle of all this I had dialed home on the cell. I was able not to cry or let my voice crack when I told my husband what happened, but when I said they were taking him to the hospital by ambulance, he kinda screamed…”What?!?” and then I cried and gave the phone to his Mom. I remember the EMT helping me into the ambulance. I sat down on the metal bench and looked down at him sleeping.  I took his hand and stroked his hair. I felt completely helpless.  I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted to do something, anything, but this was all I could do and it sucked.

He barely opened his eyes and whispered…”Mom?” I explained to him that everything was OK and he was getting to take a ride in an ambulance. I asked him if he thought that was cool. The EMT said he needed to try and ask him a couple questions, but he mouthed the words “Good Job” to me for not crying in front of him and making the best of it. He fell back asleep in the middle of the questions. The EMT asked if I wanted to use his cell to call anybody. So I called my Dad, he was already at my house with the other two kids. He prayed with me over the phone.

When we pulled up at the hospital and they opened the door, my husband was right there. He helped me out and hugged me. He asked me what happened but all I did in response was shake my head no and say he had a seizure. I recounted the story to the doctor in a very matter of fact way but that was all I ever said. It’s hard to put into words, how scared I was and all the millions of thoughts that flashed through my head in that 1 minute that the seizure lasted. It felt like a lifetime. 

But that which didn’t kill us, has definitely made us stronger. Me, Pickle, our family bond. I’m SO glad that he’s doing better and that he hasn’t had another grand maul seizure like that. We still have the partial seizures which are bad enough because sometimes he regresses afterwards. He’ll forget things he’s already learned, but they seem to be under control right now and he’s being a regular kid and for that I am sooo grateful beyond words. And as for me, well maybe it’s like Seth said in his video diary, if you can go to the depths of hell and fear for your child’s life, if you can survive that, and come out fighting, you can do anything. Something to think about.

Back to life: we put up our Christmas tree last night and it looks really nice. We have been doing a blue and white and silver tree for the last couple years, but this year we did white lights, red ribbon, and got some new wood carved ornaments. It’s looks very pretty but also….humble? The kids love it and are very proud of themselves. Jedi said the sweetest thing while we were decorating. Husband gave him this little carved wood angel  to hang on the tree and he goes “Aww…it’s Mommy” He agrees that the hair is the same color and tells him it’s an angel to which he replied, “Yeh, Mommy’s an angel, right Daddy?” I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that Jedi says. “Right?” after EVERYTHING he says. Anyways, it was just.so sweet of him. Now if I can just convince them to stop moving the ornaments around every 5 minutes.

Diva was sick last night. Changing sheets and jammies at 2:30 in the morning was interesting, and somehow I wasn’t even disgusted because she was very sweet. I heard her crying and I went in her room and she sniffed and said, “Mommy, I foo up.” I told her it was ok and that I would fix it. When I washed her up and put on her new jammies she said “Thank-you” which I thought was adorable. She thought it was funny that she got to have her brother’s Batman sheets on her bed. Which does look very peculiar with her princess motif room.

Then Jedi woke me up at 4:30 declaring that he wanted to watch the Santa Claus movie again. I told him to start it not realizing what time it was, heard him putter off to his room, turn on the TV, get back in bed. I sat up and looked at clock, go to his room to turn off the TV and he was already back asleep.

I’m off to get a second cup of coffee cause I need the caffeine desperately this morning. As my baby girl would say, “I’m berry, berry tired.”