The Exchange

In conclusion, we ended up taking back the Relay and exchanging it for a VUE. 

We should’ve test drove one before we made a decision. I thought it would be too small, but it turns out it was PERFECT. Exactly what I wanted/needed. I didn’t get all the model year end rebates because this was a 2006 and not an 05, but I still got my GM employee discount through my grandfather, and the payment will still be about $100 cheaper per month. The only thing that I really wanted in the VUE that the Relay had was the DVD player, but since they gave me a $500 Target gift card….I can buy one there I guess.

Anybody who is the market for a new car, hell even a used one, go to a Saturn dealership. I have never been treated so kindly.

Off to run errands in the new ride.

I’ll be so glad when this year is over.

Being a grown up sucks sometimes

I’m having a lot of second thoughts about this new vehicle. I just really don’t want to make 2 car payments every month. I know we can afford it,  but I think writing the check every month will be depressing. I’m thinking I might rather have that money on hand for other stuff….like taking the kids to Six Flags without having to bat an eye at the outrageous admission prices. That would be nice.

But, I figure we REALLY need the room, having three kids and all.

It sucks, because I really like it. The kids love it.

I just don’t know…..


It’s ok now…I’m here.

We had a wonderful Christmas for the most part. Minus one weird incident with BIL’s fiance’ and a rather quick trip to the ER with Diva.

She has and ear infection. Oddest thing with her. It’s like it hits her all of a sudden. She was fine. Then she’s not her happy self. Lots of whining. Then crying. Then ear pulling. Then wailing non-stop. Other strange thing about my daughter: she won’t take medicine. Listen, I have two older kids, so I know how to pin them down and force feed it. Seriously, if the girl puts anything in her mouth that isn’t appealing, she gags. This means anytime she needs an antibiotic, I have to request a shot and pain medication (i.e. Tylenol) has to be given in suppository form. Nice, huh?

The sour makes the sweet so much sweeter though. And the rest was good. Good food, wonderful presents. My husband got me a new digital camera, the kids got me one of those wool pea coats and its very warm and lovely. There has been lots of company too. My sister, her boy/friend, relatives, my best friend. Beavis, with two of her sons, Matilda and her kids. It’s been busy here. I thought about installing a revolving door for quicker access.

Matilda and I even managed to sit down and “TALK” today about past b.s. between us. That was a good thing. The glass of wine helped. We also are working on some plans for the upcoming year and becoming more fabulous. Strip clubs are out, but I still think we’re on to something.

And then today….we bought a mini van. (cool Stephanie is mortified) It’s FANCY SMANCY! I really, really, really, really, really, really like it a lot. I mean I guess you can assume that much since I bought it, but did I meantion I REALLY like it. Got the room of a mini-van, but the look of an SUV. The best of both worlds. Let’s just hope I still feel the same way after writing a few checks for that monthly payment and also that Matilda will still be my friend after THIS vehicle purchase. (teehee)

Better Days

I heard this song on the radio today, and the words hit my heart loud and clear. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting lately, on the year that is coming to an end. It’s been rough. Oddly, despite all the medical complications I’ve had, the thing I think I will remember most about this year was the course relationships took in my life.  It’s been a weird year for me in the relationship department. Even now, I can’t really make heads or tails of it and truth be told, if I dived in too far to this subject, the hurt of  it all would become WAY more obvious. Self-preservation I suppose. 

But, I haven’t been the only one to face down things that have left me heavy hearted and while I really wish there was more I could do, here are some words of encouragement. This song  is to those of you who I know are hurting right now. If you have speakers, turn them on so you can listen and if not just read the words. I hope it helps to restore your own peace, hope and faith within you.

Better Days

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days

Cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And that’s faith and trust and peace while we’re alive

And the one poor child who saved this world
And there’s ten million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again


SAHM babble

Feeling quite accomplished today. I FINALLY put family pictures in frames and got them up in the dining room. AND (I’m sure the mind whirls that there could be more) I cut up my Coca-Cola calendar and put some of the pics in frames and hung those in the kitchen. I know, when you’re a SAHM it really doesn’t take much to get excited. Everything else I do, like cleaning, washing, etc, the kids usually go right behind me and tear it all to hell so at the end of the day I feel useless, but HA! I did do something. Although I shouldn’t get too sassy cause I’m certain they could find a way to undo this. This would be like me feeling all smart for buying a new prelit Christmas tree this year and ornaments that the kids couldn’t break. So what did they do? Just knocked the whole damn thing over… OH! and I also had help with my project. Matilda stopped by because she had an interview nearby, so I got to have another dose of adult company. I should watch myself. I could get used to that idea.  

Made a bit more money on EBay today.

In other news, my husband has taught himself how to draw Spongebob Squarepants and I am most impressed.

9 days, 10 hours and 32 mins til Christmas!

As well that ends well ?

He figured out what was going on and that there was a party planned and called me on it when he got home from work Friday night, so I confessed……a little.  I told him it was Saturday night. He still thought we were  just going to dinner and a movie, so I told him that his brother had called and wanted to know if we could come by for a bit before we went out to dinner. But my husband being who he is decides when we’re half way there that he HAD to eat first, he was starving. If you know my husband, this is very much a “husband thing”. Now remember, at this point it’s 6:45 and everybody is arriving at my brother in law’s house to surprise him who they are expecting around 7:15. So I agree to stop and grab a very quick bite to eat. I’m trying to be as nonchalant as possible through this but inside I’m freakin out. Thankfully, we got a table as soon as we walked in, and were able to order and get served pretty quick, I was thinking we still might make it. Then he decides he wants another beer. I tell him his brother was gonna take him for a drink, but still he insists on another. So I excuse myself to the bathroom and call my BIL on the cell. When i get back to the table he’s just about done with his beer. I tell him “Last Call” to which he rolls his eyes at me and reaches for his coat when some lady slides in the booth next to him and kisses him on the cheek. Some lady named Anna who worked with him at his last job. We must be introduced to her husband and son, blah, blah, blah, shut-up already. So after this, I offer to race him to the truck, which gets a weird look and then I drive like a mad person over to his brothers. When we pull up and he sees everyone cars he looks at me with his jaw hanging and says, “You DICK!” It was pretty funny.

After that we all had a lot of fun. Everyone ate all the yummy food I got and shockingly we didn’t polish off the beer. We played cards and some really funny group games. I think the last guest left at 3am.

I was cleaning up and JBOB asks us to play some euchre with him and his fiance’ and to crash there overnight. About two deals later, BIL and fiance are bickering back and forth about all kinds of shit. Their both drunk and ragging on each other. I’m just shaking my head and waiting for a truce. They start talking about how his fiance “hit” his “baby”…his Harley. She explains it’s just a scratch. He’s going on and on. Then it starts getting kind of heated between the two of them and I’m giving a look across the table like, “I’m gonna smack you’re brother if he keeps talking to her this way.” Husband trying to deflate some steam tells him to let it go and that it was just an accident.

This is where everything got really strange and went down the shitter. My brother in law turns to him and says,

Ok, well let’s look at it this way, You have 2 accidents over at Mom’s house (this is where the boys were spending the night) and 1 accident with Papa & Gigi (our daughter is with my Mom & Dad) and…..

Before he could even finish my husband gets up from the table all puffed up, ready to knock him out and I get up from the table and look at him as if he’s lost his damn mind and announce that I am leaving, like NOW! I pretty much storm upstairs and start packing up presents and crap while yelling and cursing about how arrogant, materialistic and ignorant he is. His fiance comes upstairs and starts talking about what an asshole he is and how what he said didn’t even make sense. I can hear the guys yelling back and forth downstairs. Then JBOB runs upstairs and has this shocked look on his face and he’s saying….”I’m sorry, Steph, I don’t even know what I said, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that…I meant….” to which I interrupted, “There isn’t any other way to take that! NONE!” He kept explaining and well basically I just gave him a big “FuuuUUCK YOuuuuU!” with double #1s. After about 20 mins of his fiance trying to convince me not to leave and begging me to confront him(?) because she’s sick of his shit and him being really freaked out about how upset we were, I lost it and told her a bunch of shit that went down while she was deployed to New Orleans after Katrina and how I’m tired of him getting drunk and being stupid.  Then she went and told JBob what I said and he got more focused on that and everything became my fault so we left. Thankfully I had only had 3 drinks over the course of 6 hours so, I didn’t go crazy and claaw his eyes out like I might have and I was ok to drive…mentally. Emotionally was a different story. I cried the whole way home. My husband yelled most of the way home. Then we fell asleep about 6am Saturday morning.

JBob called around noon. We didn’t answer. We went to breakfast, picked up the kids, went to the Christmas musical thingy at church and then we went out to dinner with my folks, the kids, my sister and her boy-friend and my grandmother. We went to this western steak house where they ring a big dinner bell and put a cowboy hat on your head when it’s your birthday while all the waiters sing and clap to make sure you have EVERYONE’s attention. He was sooooo embarrassed, but it was funny. Sis and her boyfriend came back to our place afterwards and we played a really funny game called MAD GAB. We hung out til about 1am and then I crashed….HARD! I didn’t wake up til’ 1:30 in the afternoon on Sunday. I haven’t slept that late since I was in high school.

All in all I guess it worked out. Everybody had fun at his party, for the most part, and the bad stuff , which I will have to address with sooner or later, seemed to be made up for with good times with my sis. My husband laughed more than he has in a long time while we played MAD GAB and that was all I really wanted anyways.

JBob called last night after we put the kids to bed and asked for both of us to be on the line and he apologized again. He tried to explain, but I honestly didn’t listen. I just sat with the phone to my ear. Maybe that wasn’t the  most mature thing to do but, it’s what I did. My husband said I needed to talk to him and I just said I didn’t really have much to say. I wouldn’t hold a grudge and I would get over it but I felt like he had put a knife through my heart. And that’s the truth. Thats’s all I could say. Then he started talking about what I had said to his fiance and I started to explain that it came up because we were talking about how stupid he is when he drinks and I didn’t just say it out of spite and then I realized he was the last person I felt I had to explain anything to and quickly ended my end of the conversation and hung up my end of the line.

In the end, we  wrapped up the weekend with popcorn and cuddled up to watch a movie in bed.

I feel asleep in his arms feeling like everything was right in the world.

Waiting for Tonight

Keeping a secret from your husband is one thing.  He asked me last night why I was being so distant and I felt really bad. It’s been really hard to keep my trap shut. Like, he was trying to figure out what to wear to work today and he tried one of  his new outifts that we got him at Old Navy and I said “No, just wear that tonight to your….um, our dinner date.”

I spent all day yesterday running around ordering food and a cake and getting stuff cause it was his first day on his new job and the first day I could get out or do anything without him since he had been off a week between jobs. Then he called my Mom to see if I was over there and she was like, “No, she and Paul and the kids are getting…….your check cashed.” She almost said ‘the stuff for the party.’

I will be so glad when all this over.

But I am excited. It will be nice to celebrate with family & friends.

Have a good weekend, all.

Driver’s License

After completing her annual well child check, a young girl left her doctor’s office for a playdate with her mother. While her mother was driving along the daughter asked,

“Mom, how old are you?”

The mother said, “You’re not supposed to ask a woman her age, dear, it’s rude.”

The daughter then asked, “Well how much do you weigh?”

The mother again explained that this was not something you were supposed to ask. The daughter figured since she couldn’t ask anything about her mother she would ask a question about her father.

“Well then, why did you and Daddy get divorced?”

The shocked mother said, “That’s none of your business right now, but I will explain it when you’re older. No more questions.”

When the young girl finally arrived for her playdate her friend could tell something was bothering her and asked what was wrong.

The young girl said, “I just went to the doctor’s office and my mother could answer every single question the doctor asked about me but I know nothing about my mother. She won’t answer any of my questions, so how am I supposed to ever find out?”

The friend replied, “Oh, that’s easy….you just have to check her driver’s license. It’s like a report card for grown ups.”

A couple months went by and it ended up that the daughter had to accompany her mother to her own doctor’s visit. When the doctor entered the room the young girl stood up and proudly said,

“My mother is 34 years old, she weighs 165 pounds, and her and my Daddy got divorced because she got an “F” in sex.

Down Time

The HR lady at husband’s old job told him that if he didn’t use his sick time before  he left that he would lose it, so when he called off last Thursday his boss asked if he was just going to use the rest of his sick time, which he confirmed so he told him just to bring in his work van and uniforms and cut his losses. Since he needed to drive his van in and needed a ride back, Jedi and I went with him. I was so proud of him because everybody kept coming up to say how much they would miss working with him and telling me that he was a good guy. We also had lunch with some of the people he worked with. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, it was a good time. Except for Jedi and his need to be painfully honest.

Like telling one guy that he was fat like Mario in the GameCube or asking Lavelle why he was brown. lol Even though I realize he’s a kid and he’s curious, it’s a little embarrassing cause I never know what he’ll say or how someone will react. Thankfully, no one was offended and they all got a good laugh out of it. They all informed us that they would be right behind husband out the door because he was the only reason they hadn’t already quit. Things should get interesting there. I’m just glad that’s over with. Well, I hope it’s done with cause that place is shady.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night feeling really nauseated and having to eat crackers. I don’t know what’s that about. Now it’s lasting longer. I manage to go back to sleep and then when I wake up, I feel sick until I eat, and I don’t want to eat. Couple that with the fact that I’m two weeks late and I might believe I was pregnant, but since the vasectomy after Diva was born, the 1% chance doesn’t scare me much, but would make life interesting.

Diva was doing the same off and on this week. She woke up three different nights this past week and threw up and then went back to sleep.  Maybe that piece is just a bug or something. But God bless my husband because Friday I hadn’t eaten anything come mid afternoon because I was still feeling queasy, so he went out and got me a sure thing, Chicken & Dumplings soup.. Something about it always makes me feel good. If that wasn’t enough, he brought me home a beautiful vase of flowers and a cappuccino. I told him I was gonna get spoiled having him home and being so good to me. He doesn’t seem to care about that.

He doesn’t start his new job til’ Thursday so we’re trying to enjoy some down time and hang out together. Making it hard to plan any surprises for his 35th birthday ( this Sat) though.

Off to nibble at toast, again

All choked up

I know a lot of women will be able to relate, when I say that I cry about everything. Even more so right before my period starts. And I don’t mean that I’m like depressed or that when my feelings get hurt I cry, in fact vulnerability tends to make me lash out, but if I’m watching something on TV that is emotional, I cry. If somebody does or says something sentimental, I cry. Not BOOHOOHOO sobbing….just tears…just crying.

Well, last night we were watching The Biggest Loser and these people are very candid and forthcoming with their emotions. I’ve gotten a tear or two in my eye listening to them talk about their spouses and their children or watching them reunite with their families. But something really unexpected came up last night.

Seth’s son had a seizure when he got back home. See, usually when this subject comes up, I know when it’s coming and I can be on guard. This came out of left field. Here is this grown man on national TV getting all choked up about his son having a seizure, going into great detail about how helpless he felt and how it makes you realize how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. Everything he said hit me so hard that I really started crying. I did that whole thing where you suck in breath sharply….you know…the ugly cry. I dunno, when he started talking about how he felt watching his son have a seizure and how completely devastating it was, I remembered the day it happened to Pickle last April all over again. And it struck me that I never really talked to anybody about it.

This might be long…..

What happened was that Pickle had spent the night over at my in law’s house. It was Saturday morning and I was out getting milk when my husband called the cell and told me that his Mom called and said that Pickle was acting sick. He had been acting weird overnight and seemed really out of it and could barely keep his eyes open. We know now that this was because he was having partial seizures. It looks like a blank stare. When it’s happening to you, you  don’t hear anything around you and afterwards you are wiped out. Looking on, you don’t really see anything, unless you happen to be talking to him at the time and he just stops talking and stares. My mother in law said she would meet me at the doctor’s office since they were getting ready to close for the rest of the weekend.

I remember when I opened the door to her car and saw him in the backseat, I knew something was really wrong. I reached in and picked him up and carried him into the office. He slept through all of this. He slept through me putting him on a the doctor’s table, the nurse taking his blood pressure and temp. This was not my child. When the doctor came in, we talked in a whisper as not to wake him while she assessed the situation. She had just said the words, “I’m baffled” when he sat up and looked at me and said “Mom” So I started to take a step toward him when I noticed he seemed to be falling sideways. I ran and caught his head and sat him  up and I said “What’s going on, can you tell me what’s going on?”. He didn’t answer and so the doctor said, “Honey, can you answer your Mommy?” and still no answer. At this point I was in some strange place between panicking and trying to seem not panicked to keep  him calm. You know I’m shooting the doctor a look like  “FIX IT!” and looking at him like, “It’s ok….” Then, he started convulsing violently.

I just felt like the universe had suddenly gone in slow motion. This would be the longest minute of my life. What I can say is THANK GOD we were in the doctor’s office and she was there with me, really THANK GOD. She snapped me out of  shock by  screaming at me to let go of his head and to put him on his side. I’m standing there trying not to hold him down but making sure he’s not going to roll off this table. So much running through my head….is he going to make it, he’s already been through so much, this is stupid egg donors fault somehow, why didn’t his Dad bring him, when will this stop, is this it, God, why are you letting this happen, stop, stop, please stop. All I can remember is saying his name over and over, until my voice cracked, and I started crying.  I was devastated and scared out of my mind. The doctor threw open the exam room door and tells the nurse to call for squad. Then she runs over and helps me with him.

He stopped convulsing and throws up. And then he looks at me with this very scared look in his eye and says, “Mommy” and he just went limp in my arms. The doctor tells me to lay him down and she pulls his eyelids up, his eyes are rolled back in his head. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to stay calm and not upset him but I wanted to sob and I wanted to scream “DO SOMETHING”.

The ambulance squad came in the room and picked him up and started securing him to a gurney. I ran down the hall and opened the door to the waiting room where MIL was waiting. I tried my best to stay calm but, I’m sure I just looked panicked. I was trying to tell her what happened when my husband picked up at the house. Somewhere in the middle of all this I had dialed home on the cell. I was able not to cry or let my voice crack when I told my husband what happened, but when I said they were taking him to the hospital by ambulance, he kinda screamed…”What?!?” and then I cried and gave the phone to his Mom. I remember the EMT helping me into the ambulance. I sat down on the metal bench and looked down at him sleeping.  I took his hand and stroked his hair. I felt completely helpless.  I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted to do something, anything, but this was all I could do and it sucked.

He barely opened his eyes and whispered…”Mom?” I explained to him that everything was OK and he was getting to take a ride in an ambulance. I asked him if he thought that was cool. The EMT said he needed to try and ask him a couple questions, but he mouthed the words “Good Job” to me for not crying in front of him and making the best of it. He fell back asleep in the middle of the questions. The EMT asked if I wanted to use his cell to call anybody. So I called my Dad, he was already at my house with the other two kids. He prayed with me over the phone.

When we pulled up at the hospital and they opened the door, my husband was right there. He helped me out and hugged me. He asked me what happened but all I did in response was shake my head no and say he had a seizure. I recounted the story to the doctor in a very matter of fact way but that was all I ever said. It’s hard to put into words, how scared I was and all the millions of thoughts that flashed through my head in that 1 minute that the seizure lasted. It felt like a lifetime. 

But that which didn’t kill us, has definitely made us stronger. Me, Pickle, our family bond. I’m SO glad that he’s doing better and that he hasn’t had another grand maul seizure like that. We still have the partial seizures which are bad enough because sometimes he regresses afterwards. He’ll forget things he’s already learned, but they seem to be under control right now and he’s being a regular kid and for that I am sooo grateful beyond words. And as for me, well maybe it’s like Seth said in his video diary, if you can go to the depths of hell and fear for your child’s life, if you can survive that, and come out fighting, you can do anything. Something to think about.

Back to life: we put up our Christmas tree last night and it looks really nice. We have been doing a blue and white and silver tree for the last couple years, but this year we did white lights, red ribbon, and got some new wood carved ornaments. It’s looks very pretty but also….humble? The kids love it and are very proud of themselves. Jedi said the sweetest thing while we were decorating. Husband gave him this little carved wood angel  to hang on the tree and he goes “Aww…it’s Mommy” He agrees that the hair is the same color and tells him it’s an angel to which he replied, “Yeh, Mommy’s an angel, right Daddy?” I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that Jedi says. “Right?” after EVERYTHING he says. Anyways, it was sweet of him. Now if I can just convince them to stop moving the ornaments around every 5 minutes.

Diva was sick last night. Changing sheets and jammies at 2:30 in the morning was interesting, and somehow I wasn’t even disgusted because she was very sweet. I heard her crying and I went in her room and she sniffed and said, “Mommy, I foo up.” I told her it was ok and that I would fix it. When I washed her up and put on her new jammies she said “Thank-you” which I thought was adorable. She thought it was funny that she got to have her brother’s Batman sheets on her bed. Which does look very peculiar with her princess motif room.

Then Jedi woke me up at 4:30 declaring that he wanted to watch the Santa Claus movie again. I told him to start it not realizing what time it was, heard him putter off to his room, turn on the TV, get back in bed. I sat up and looked at clock, go to his room to turn off the TV and he was already back asleep.

I’m off to get a second cup of coffee cause I need the caffeine desperately this morning. As my baby girl would say, “I’m berry, berry tired.”