Ditch

I was in bed over an hour ago, when some idiot comes tearing into my driveway. Rang the doorbell like an obnoxious 5yr old, banged on the door, climbed back in the car without leaving enough time for anyone to realistically get to the door at midnight on a weeknight. Here’s the BEST part!!!! After getting in the car, and slamming the car door as hard as they possibly could, they begin to tear out of the driveway, BACKWARDS, screech to a halt to turn their lights on, pull forward again to build momentum, then pedal to medal their way in and out of the ditch on either side of the driveway.
Law enforcement is great though. You call at 12:30am, and you’re just now getting a response to file a report. You gotta love it. Tomorrow should be interesting with the sleep deprivation.

Surprise!

I’ve had a VERY interesting week!

I’ve been having these God awful cramps, and really bad stomach pains, I’ve been to the ER 3x and today, someone who must have been a REAL genius compared to the other doctors I’ve seen, decided to not only do a urine pregnancy test, but to also do a blood pregnancy test, and Lo and behold!!!!!!!!!!

I’m pregnant!!!!

It’s an amazing surprise. We weren’t trying, but I guess we weren’t preventing either. I wanted to have another baby. I didn’t want them to be far apart in age. I’m over the moon. I got my birthday wish.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a baby girl. Always wanted 2 boys and a girl.
That would be a dream come true.

23

My best friend, Bevis, kidnapped me and took me out last night and ugh, not the going out, that’s always a blast, especially w/ her (love her), it’s the dreaded, God awful HANGOVER!!! The kind you can only get when it’s your birthday and everybody wants to buy you a drink. Double ugh…

All I want to do is lie in bed but, the kids are up. Where is hubby? Hubby is hungover worse than I am, so he’s still in bed. Granted I did brush off quite a few of the drinks bought for me, towards him.

Sometimes I just don’t know about him.

Things between us have been going really well, especially with the new job and everything. In my drunken, vulnerable state last night I confessed my BIG wish. Another baby. A baby girl. I already know her. I can see her in my dreams. Her, us and her two big brothers. A family. A simple life. Til death do us part. Suddenly he’s convinced that we’re ready to have another baby. We weren’t married when our son was conceived, and even though he begged me to marry him and have a baby, he did not help the pregnant lady out very much. In fact, well, it wasn’t good.

I’d love to have another baby. I REALLY would. My son is the greatest thing that ever happened to me no matter what I went through. Yes, yes, yes – I want to have a baby. My little girl, dare I dream, but I just would like to know that our marriage will retain some qualities of normalcy. Consistency. My husband can be a GREAT guy but he has major issues with alcohol. And while I know that has nothing to do with me, he can make it about me in a heartbeat.

I wish I could see into the future, through the crystal ball and know that we will be fine, that everything will be OK. Perhaps though, the closest thing I have to the crystal ball is looking at our past. The past always seems to rear its ugly head …

Dare to live the dream or proceed with caution? That is the question.

Miss Independent

Here I am at home, alone, on the 4th of July. It’s fitting I suppose.
Well not ALONE ALONE, because my son is here with me.

In fact he is sleeping on the bed right next to me. He looks so peaceful. No worries. I wonder if babies dream …

Baby boy and I went downtown, just the two of us, and watched an awesome fireworks show that was set to music on a local station. He was so excited. He kept waving to the fireworks and going “Ewwwwww!!!!!!” It was just a really great experience to share with him.
Also took him to his first parade today. I cried <–BIG DORK!!!! They had a float that replicated the scene at ground zero where they found the American flag. It touched me. Ok, lets move on.

Hubby was little more interested in drinking than spending time with his family so, I did the family thing with the baby. I can’t help the experiences he gives Pickle. I have no rights, as he likes to remind me but I can change them in JJ’s life.

So look at me: Miss Independent.

Bubble busted

There’s this guy in my past (who doesn’t have one???). I mentioned this before. It was in large part why I started this whole blog thing to begin with. He is someone who will always have THAT piece of me. And if I could take it back, I guess I wouldn’t. I seriously thought I would marry this guy, sometimes I STILL think about “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve”. Probably too much. You know, girl brain crap.

I still run into him online, but he made this comment to me today, insinuating that he signed on and then got off because I wasn’t on. And it made me feel special, like he was actually looking for me, he cared, he missed me. He told me he misses me, and that he thinks about me and it felt good.

How hard pressed am I for attention, affection and adoration?

And then … I got my bubble busted. Why? I don’t know. How can you have you’re bubble busted when there is no bubble? Now I just feel like an ant in a colony instead of the queen.

I guess as my best friend says, you always have a special place in your heart for your first love. He WAS my territory at one time.

Make of it what you will.

Identity Crisis?

I’m dying my hair an auburn red, I’m getting a new tattoo on Friday night and I am also considering piercing my eyebrow for my birthday next month.

So my Mom asks, “Are you having some sort of identity crisis?”

I don’t think so.
But oh my, what will the other Moms at the playground think??????
(insert severe eyeroll)

Dieting

I feel like I’ve been on a diet my whole life. Since I was like 10? I find that sad. You know it used to be that I wanted to diet because I wanted to look like this person or that person. Then, I got to my ‘recommended weight’ and I looked like a tooth pick. I hated that more than I did when I had some meat on my bones. But since having the baby, I just can’t do it and the worst part is now I need to.

BUT- I hate waiting for results. Like, if I’m hungry and I get a French fries or brownies = INSTANT gratification. But now I need to eat foods that aren’t terrible tasting but they just aren’t … titilating to the senses. Now I must be a pleasure delayer. I’m not a patient person. But I’ve enlisted help so someone will hold me responsible if I don’t stick to it. And this person scares the hell out of me. So, that’s a BONUS!

This is the first day of the rest of your life

Ever heard that?

I understand exactly what it means today.

My family is coming to the fork in the road. However, we do not hold the key to the door in front of the one, seemingly gold plated path. Today is the big day. The interview with the president of the company. My husband is all nerves. If he lands this job it means a house, a yard, a dog, basically everything we strive for in our lives to feel like we’ve succeeded. It means less paycheck to paycheck struggle. There will even be money to out into SAVINGS? <–What’s that???

God knows the desires of our hearts, but his will for us is so much more important. Let’s hope his will is working with us today.