Had a complete meltdown in my doctors office this morning and in an instant, I had a plan to die and knew I’d never make it home if I left. Sitting in that room, sifting through the past month’s tests and prescriptions, hearing that staying the course is the only way through. I told her that I felt overwhelmed emotionally and was physically immobilized. I can’t be poked anymore, tested, gnaw at my nails awaiting test results while my vision sporadically leaves.

There’s just no words to describe how weary I’ve grown. Yes, I’m a strong woman, but this appears to be my tapping out for the time being.

Now, I sit in an emergency room a few floors down from my doctor’s office with a 1on1 nurse. I’m still in pain. My circumstances have only gotten worse by choosing this path to take care of myself.

Fuckin A.

I feel complete hopelessness. Everything feels nihilistic.