The only hand I needed was my own.
That’s what he said.
When I asked what made him say that his response was:
“I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you over three words.”
Since then, I’ve been nauseous.
I think not.
Competing with men’s comfort zones is pulling me apart. Everything is never ending.
Have you had one of those conversations you never saw coming from someone you’ve known, but suddenly find out is willing to introduce themselves to you on another level? A conversation that tears down walls and opens up doors?
I had that conversation tonight.
It was if I was looking through a key hole and suddenly everything aligned, illuminated and gave me a desperately needed glimmer of hope.
Good people exist.
They’re tired and skittish, but what a brutiful sight when a spark sets off a blaze of bravery to share their souls once more.
I met a new friend, AC, for a drink tonight after having a unsettling start to this week. Then, we went to see ‘A Star Is Born” together. The performance was powerful. Perhaps It stirred up memories and emotions in me. IT seemed like something else though. In the dark of that theater, sitting next to him, I felt that burn in my soul. I literally reached up to touch my chest and he mistook it for me trying to take his hand. I was so dumbfounded by what was happening that tears started welling up in my eyes… and also he shook me off. ******brakes//screech****** He leaned in and I was full of anticipation, until he whispered in my ear that I didn’t HAVE TO hold his hand. ++++CRASH++++
I tried to meditate and read unsuccessfully. I’m still lying here awake in these early morning hours not able to appreciate the silence because of the noise of my mind and a gnawing at my heartstrings. ..my soul even.
I can’t place my finger on what has set my mind adrift and shadow boxing.
I am genuinely frightened