Flexing my courage muscle and reconnecting with my sense of adventure, led me on a trip I had never taken before. Mentally. I am safe and have a most excellent trip sitter. When he feels me revealing vulnerability, he takes off his shirt to even our spiritual levels. I cannot take my eyes off of him. He feels like looking in a mirror. He meets my compassion and intimacy. We lay together until the darkness is all around. It’s not a scary darkness. It’s peaceful. Stars twinkle and lightning bugs are aglow. I am in child like wonder. I move to sit on the old, worn wooden floor, but staying close enough to simultaneously touch him, only if I need to, so as to stay grounded. It feels as though everything in the universe in somehow geometrically revealing itself to me. I see the ways all energy is connected. I feel an immense understanding and gratitude in my soul. Silence has never sounded so good. The crickets, frogs and owls all singing with the wind. I close my eyes. In my mind’s eye, I sit in the center of a mass, bountiful forest on the ground’s dirt. Moonlight spotlights me here. In its beam I can see memories very vividly. Things I had not thought of in years.
Memories:
Childhood trauma, but in a way that was healing and a release. Everything made sense.
– My Aunt going “missing” while I was spending the night and my cousins telling me that their Dad was going to kill her.
– Arguments between Mom and Dad. Holes punched in the wall. Being awaken and packing up belongings, secretly, in the middle of the night.
– My Dad being distraught after witnessing a woman jump to her death.
– My parents having an argument on a road trip. Stopping Mom from removing a bottle of pills from her purse. My memory suggests she was suicidal.
– Distracting my little sister (7) with playing music and coloring in my room as a teenager and covertly sneaking and calling my Nana when I believed my Mom was suicidal and begging her to pick up her bedroom phone, while on a cordless on the other side of the door.
Revelations:
I always have music playing. This was a coping mechanism for myself and a protection for my little sister.
The only hope for a better future is to stop hoping for a better past.
The perfection in timing of bearing my children, earlier than planned, but right on time and before I would not be able to. The one experience I cannot imagine my life without.
Everyone is just a person and therefore FLAWED.
The devil on our shoulder is self-serving while the angel is concerned with serving others in love. Is hell then a society made up of the self-serving devils and heaven a society made of people serving one another in love?
I feel love. I just feel love for everything and everyone. Love, love. All you need is love.<3
And coming down from Cloud 9, was a mighty fine ride (13 years in the making).
Whatever this is…I want MORE.
