A girlfriend of mine asked if she could take me out.
I replied, “Hell yeh. Let’s do that! I’m so excited.”
This is someone I used to work with. It’s been awhile since we’ve had hangouts.
Then she says that she was glad she asked me. She said, “I was thinking to myself, ‘I’m feeling quite ballsy. I’m going to ask her out.'”
I swear to God, I am figuring out that this was a date I had just agreed to go on while she was simultaneously telling me about how depressed she had been, anxious and about intrusive self harm and suicidal thoughts.
(sidenote:this is not as alarming to me. this is something people often reach out to me about due to my volunteering as a crisis counselor and that i’m an open book when it comes to my personal experiences with mental health issues)
So, while I would have liked to have just explained the misunderstanding, timing was real bad.
I asked my teenage daughter what she would do in both situations. Tell her was the obvious go-to, but when she heard me talk about the depression, she look up at me, shook her head and said, “I guess cut your nails, Mom” *i am dead 😂*
Look, I’ve experimented, but mostly with a partner. It’s more for them than me. If I was in a relationship, I might even pitch the idea. Is that wrong?
Then, I started to review how many things I have done in my life that I was uncomfortable with, but didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, I just went along? The answer is a lot. THEN, I thought: exactly how far does consideration go? Jesus Christ! Is it possible to be too empathetic? Because I think I’m doomed ya’ll.
It’s truly astounding how knocking on death’s door makes you feel more alive than you’ve ever been.
“Women have been trained to think that we are overreacting or that we’re being too sensitive or unreasonable. We swallow the furious feelings. That fury sits deep inside as we practice our smiles.” — Tracee Ellis Ross
Do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet?
- Ankle/Foot Rosary
- A tribute to each of my children’s lessons they taught me
- Hope (as an anchor)
- Infinite Love Loop
- Unconditional, over my heart
My spinal tap showed increased cerebral spinal pressure, which we already knew from the vision loss. This accounts for the inter cranial hypertension diagnosis. The MRI was normal. My blood pressure is finally back to normal. This is attributed to a bad combination of dehydration from being sick all the time and lithium. Turns out lithium had been making me sick for quite some time. My doctor says we will need to keep monitoring symptoms and give it more time before we would move on to brain surgery and it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I don’t want my brain cut open.
This means giving it more time. My patience is wearing thin, but I am encouraged by other areas of my life coming together. Finances are just about straight. I’ve had more friends stop by in the past month than all of last year. Kids are back on track. My niece and nephews brighten everyday. There’s just something about raising kids that fulfills my soul. I have also had the sweet relief of knowing my kids would be watched out for and loved, genuinely, for the rest of their lives. I cannot tell you how heavily that has weighed on my heart and the enormous weight that has lifted from my shoulders. That, in and of itself, has been a major contribution to my stress relief. I am so incredibly grateful to my best friend, Tess, for being an unbelievable source of strength and comfort to me.
THIS is where I need to keep my focus.
Today is the first day I’ve felt like myself in a looooooong time.
I’m ❤️ loving ❤️it. ☺️