why? … Why?
I spent a couple hours Friday staring down a ghost. He was there in the flesh, familiar, but a complete stranger. Someone I used to know? A figment of my imagination?
I couldn’t look at him. It made my stomach turnover. I could barely make myself listen in the courtroom as he undermined his actions and my meaning to him and highlighted his moving on… a new job, a new fiance, since the charges were filed a month ago.
Im so thankful Tess was in town and there to hold my hand when I was allotted time as a victim to address the Court. I’m proud of myself for standing up for myself this time, instead of worrying about his consequences.
The aftermath, set off a stress flare. ALL the symptoms for ALL the things.
While I’m recovering, this shall be on repeat:
You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’,
I hope your soul is changin’,
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
I love the feeling of anticipating family arriving. It’s special.
My sister from another mister, Tess, and brother from another mother, Pat, my niece and nephews are due within the hour.
This is the worst part for me. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. It’s never good things that race through my head, like “Damn, I’m a badass”. It’s really horrible stuff that makes me feel like an awkward, kid on the first day at a new school. There’s so much information floating around and there’s no where to put it all. You grasp on to pieces to a puzzle without any guidance of how to put it together.
I’ll never be free. Everyone I love will turn their back on me. I never left. I never left. I never left. Inevitable doom. Caged birds still sing because they have a song. Sing, damnit.I miss my Mom. Betrayal. Even by mother. I’m always trying to withstand, be the stronghold. I have encountered many storms (circumstances) that have caused me to lean, but I did not fall. I even self-corrected the lean from where I was, with what I had. Is that instability? Or is it resilience? It isn’t a flaw. Or is it?
Is that conflicted perspective?
Or insanity? On who’s part?
Yes, it’s raining fucking puzzle pieces in my head and instead of trying to keep up or hoping a good soul could lend a hand or encouraging word to help me start sifting through, I surrender. I let the pieces fall where they will.
This is the part where I go quiet and observe …
” The pills do work, then?”
“Yes. Mostly. They work but sometimes I don’t work even harder. I’m too broken for the glue to hold without the occasional failure, I’m afraid. I can function perfectly for quite some time, but then…. well something will bump into me and I will shatter”