Ruminating

This is the worst part for me. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. It’s never good things that race through my head, like “Damn, I’m a badass”. It’s really horrible stuff that makes me feel like an awkward, kid on the first day at a new school. There’s so much information floating around and there’s no where to put it all. You grasp on to pieces to a puzzle without any guidance of how to put it together.

I’ll never be free. Everyone I love will turn their back on me. I never left. I never left. I never left. Inevitable doom. Caged birds still sing because they have a song. Sing, damnit.I miss my Mom. Betrayal. Even by mother. I’m always trying to withstand, be the stronghold. I have encountered many storms (circumstances) that have caused me to lean, but I did not fall. I even self-corrected the lean from where I was, with what I had. Is that instability? Or is it resilience? It isn’t a flaw. Or is it?

Is that conflicted perspective?

Or insanity? On who’s part?

Yes, it’s raining fucking puzzle pieces in my head and instead of trying to keep up or hoping a good soul could lend a hand or encouraging word to help me start sifting through, I surrender. I let the pieces fall where they will. 

This is the part where I go quiet and observe …

Sunday’s Song

“I try to pay attention, your words just disappear, cause it’s always raining in my head. I forget all the things I should have said”

“So I speak to you in riddles, cause my words gets in my way”

“I cannot take more of this, I’m gonna come undone, or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart”

“But, I know I’ll do the right thing, if the right thing is revealed”

 

Shelved

One of my oldest and dearest friends just called me and I didn’t answer the call. 

Why?

My heart is tired, completely tired of trying. I just couldn’t even talk about it.

He texted me because he knows I won’t answer when I’m a snotty, hot mess and just simply asked if everything was ok. I replied that it would be and told him that I appreciated his friendship.

Then it occurred to me that I’m always appreciative, yet I’ve been shelved for underappreciating. 

How is that even possible? Can someone call you appreciative and unappreciative out of opposite sides of the same mouth? If so, which is to be believed? 

OR is it that this person will never hear it because it’s not whom he wants to hear it from? 

Wait …

To question my parenting … you’ve got balls, darling, please don’t embarrass yourself. Comparing me to your mother and baby drama mama? Really? Come at me, bro?   

Oh! and holding your sister up like the beautiful soul she is- that’s deserved, she deserves it,but you using it as a carrot for me to chase or a pedestal to judge me from? To put us on different levels? For what?

 I’m not competing with these people to understand your perspective. 

My worth is not defined by your perception. For that matter, neither are my kids. 

Yes, we’re different, we’re not supposed to be the same and we’re not supposed to try and “fix” the other. There is no “less than” or “more than” in love and if you’re looking for it, it’s not love. 

And the moment any participant in a relationship feels the need to prove themselves as worthy of the other’s affections, respect or love … that relationship should end. 

                                         

And I quote …

“I loved you. I lost you; and I advise you: Twas better than to never having had loved at all. But now with more years, with more time…more perspective, I see things in a slightly new way, so here is my advice, updated and recalled:

It’s better to have love and lost, surely, but try never to lose it at all.”

~ William, This is Us