Letters I meant to send

Dear Bean, 
I never had the chance to be your first. I know there are experiences and years you wished we had spent together. I never was able to be your first kiss, your first love, or even the first time you felt the shape of a woman beneath you—but none of that matters to me.

I don’t care about any first that came before me—all I care about is being your last.

Perhaps we need the sweetness of firsts in order to learn how forever truly tastes. Nothing that came before this moment matters to me, it doesn’t matter how deeply you loved, how broken you were, what mistakes were made, or even how many women you’ve shared your bed with.
All that matters to me is that I get to contend to be all of your lasts.
I want to be the last woman that you give your heart to.

Your heart is so large and complex, so while I know that it’s not only my name that is written in yours, I also know that no one has the place there that I do, and so I want to say that I hope no other name is ever written after mine. I want to fill and inspire your heart, I want to be a home for you; a place of peace within this crazy world of bubbling chaos and along the way. I hope that you realize you’ll never love another like you love me.

We can say with a skeptical heart that we don’t know what the future may hold so it may be futile to promise forever, yet it seems that the only certainty that I know in this life is that I will continue to love you through the phases of the moon and the rise of the sun.
I know that you have loved before, that you have given your heart away and hoped for the best—but that it never worked out the way that you had wanted it to, even if it all happened exactly as it was meant to.

It’s difficult sometimes to trust, to believe when life has shown you it’s futile, but I want you to know that your heart is safe with me.
And that whether I’m talking about tomorrow, or forever, the one thing that I am certain of is that I will continue to love you through the movement of time because I want you to be the last man that I ever give my heart to.
I want to be the last woman who promises you forever.
It doesn’t matter how many times we have tasted the illusion of forever on our optimistic lips, it doesn’t matter how many times we’ve been hurt or even how often we’ve disappointed others. The thing with time is that each day becomes a stepping stone, a necessary lesson in order to prepare for a future that we can’t even imagine. You are better than anything I could have dreamed.

I don’t want to be one of many; one more woman that disappoints you or falls shorts from the touch of reality because I don’t ever want to see you hurt. I don’t want to blend in with the maybes or the necessaries—I want to stick out as the only. The only one whose taste matched her promises, and who stood by you through the inconceivability of faith manifested.
I want to be your last forever.The woman who may not have been everything you had expected in this life, but the one you know holds everything you need.

I can’t say that there was a time when I always believed in forever, I had doubted its existence, yet somehow, my love for you has shown me that sometimes there’s a plan greater than any we can imagine. We know that others came before both you and me, and while perhaps it was different for both of us none of that makes a difference now. 

Passion and love sometimes seem to be long lost friends, and so I know that there is uniqueness to our connection that can never be duplicated. Perhaps there were a few, or maybe even a hundred before me but none of that matters as long as I am one hundred and one.  I wish to be the last woman who bares her body and soul to you, moving my skin against your body as my soft tendrils of hair falls against your strong chest. Feeling the way your skin moves and tightens as I run my fingertips over your shoulders trying to read the stories of your past.
And the way that when we come together, I sometimes feel tears come to my eyes because I have never felt that connected to anyone else, and in that moment, I know that never again will anyone else touch where you have breathed, no one else will love me like you do.

Sometimes there are moments of indecision, and others the truth burns with a crystal clear reality, and we just know. I can’t predict the future, I don’t know what tomorrow holds but the only thing that I do is that I love you now and I will love you tomorrow too. You are the one that I never saw coming through the darkness of a thousand stars. I never knew what it would feel like when I stumbled upon home in a soul, I never knew what it would feel like to love you.
So while the future lay unopened and ripe just waiting for us, the one thing I want to know is that if you are my ending—if you are not only my greatest love, but also my last.

Love Always, Stephanie ❤️

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