Things my kids say

My two teenagers have taken to singing “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts (or the Friends theme song) everytime something goes wrong and Im at wit’s end. 

Grocery bag splits open, spilling groceries across just cleaned floor:

Kids: 🎼”so no one told you life was gonna be this way”🎵 *clap clap clap 👏 *

The Mystery 

Having met you later in life,there are no memories of

young romantic love,

high school roller skating parties,

college weekdays longing for your touch.
No memories of experiencing together

life’s first tastes of freedom

or the innocence of believing that

we had all the time in the world.
I never knew your young body nor you mine;

those days when I looked radiant in the morning.
When life finally brought us together

We stood before each other

In the stark reality of all we had become.

Too mature to hide

Yet secretly wondering

If the other would stay

And if love was worth the trouble

After all this time.
Piece by piece

We removed the layers of life

Shedding off what no longer served us

Until we discovered a place deep inside,

Beyond judgment, expectation,

Or what anyone else thought
Where we found only pure light.
Smiling, we instinctively knew

We had everything we needed

For the rest of the journey.
Now

With you by my side

I can see the light in your eyes

Reminding me

Of who we really are.
Forgiveness has never been so easy

And love so real.
Having met you later in life,

The knowledge that our time here is limited

Grows stronger with each passing moment.
Instead of running,

I pause and breathe.

Hold your gaze.

Feel your energy.

And open my heart to the mystery of life. 

Author: Christy Sperrazza

Letters I meant to send

Dear Bean, 
I never had the chance to be your first. I know there are experiences and years you wished we had spent together. I never was able to be your first kiss, your first love, or even the first time you felt the shape of a woman beneath you—but none of that matters to me.

I don’t care about any first that came before me—all I care about is being your last.

Perhaps we need the sweetness of firsts in order to learn how forever truly tastes. Nothing that came before this moment matters to me, it doesn’t matter how deeply you loved, how broken you were, what mistakes were made, or even how many women you’ve shared your bed with.
All that matters to me is that I get to contend to be all of your lasts.
I want to be the last woman that you give your heart to.

Your heart is so large and complex, so while I know that it’s not only my name that is written in yours, I also know that no one has the place there that I do, and so I want to say that I hope no other name is ever written after mine. I want to fill and inspire your heart, I want to be a home for you; a place of peace within this crazy world of bubbling chaos and along the way. I hope that you realize you’ll never love another like you love me.

We can say with a skeptical heart that we don’t know what the future may hold so it may be futile to promise forever, yet it seems that the only certainty that I know in this life is that I will continue to love you through the phases of the moon and the rise of the sun.
I know that you have loved before, that you have given your heart away and hoped for the best—but that it never worked out the way that you had wanted it to, even if it all happened exactly as it was meant to.

It’s difficult sometimes to trust, to believe when life has shown you it’s futile, but I want you to know that your heart is safe with me.
And that whether I’m talking about tomorrow, or forever, the one thing that I am certain of is that I will continue to love you through the movement of time because I want you to be the last man that I ever give my heart to.
I want to be the last woman who promises you forever.
It doesn’t matter how many times we have tasted the illusion of forever on our optimistic lips, it doesn’t matter how many times we’ve been hurt or even how often we’ve disappointed others. The thing with time is that each day becomes a stepping stone, a necessary lesson in order to prepare for a future that we can’t even imagine. You are better than anything I could have dreamed.

I don’t want to be one of many; one more woman that disappoints you or falls shorts from the touch of reality because I don’t ever want to see you hurt. I don’t want to blend in with the maybes or the necessaries—I want to stick out as the only. The only one whose taste matched her promises, and who stood by you through the inconceivability of faith manifested.
I want to be your last forever.The woman who may not have been everything you had expected in this life, but the one you know holds everything you need.

I can’t say that there was a time when I always believed in forever, I had doubted its existence, yet somehow, my love for you has shown me that sometimes there’s a plan greater than any we can imagine. We know that others came before both you and me, and while perhaps it was different for both of us none of that makes a difference now. 

Passion and love sometimes seem to be long lost friends, and so I know that there is uniqueness to our connection that can never be duplicated. Perhaps there were a few, or maybe even a hundred before me but none of that matters as long as I am one hundred and one.  I wish to be the last woman who bares her body and soul to you, moving my skin against your body as my soft tendrils of hair falls against your strong chest. Feeling the way your skin moves and tightens as I run my fingertips over your shoulders trying to read the stories of your past.
And the way that when we come together, I sometimes feel tears come to my eyes because I have never felt that connected to anyone else, and in that moment, I know that never again will anyone else touch where you have breathed, no one else will love me like you do.

Sometimes there are moments of indecision, and others the truth burns with a crystal clear reality, and we just know. I can’t predict the future, I don’t know what tomorrow holds but the only thing that I do is that I love you now and I will love you tomorrow too. You are the one that I never saw coming through the darkness of a thousand stars. I never knew what it would feel like when I stumbled upon home in a soul, I never knew what it would feel like to love you.
So while the future lay unopened and ripe just waiting for us, the one thing I want to know is that if you are my ending—if you are not only my greatest love, but also my last.

Love Always, Stephanie ❤️

Things my kids say

Me: Im pretty sure Im gaining weight. Ugh… I feel like a fatty.

Diva: You know today I put this shirt on and it was more form fitting and I looked at myself and thought “Oh. You look good, girl. You’re not overweight. ” Then I got to school and sat in a desk was like:

“Nope. Well, that was nice while it lasted.”

Me, laughing: You are so MY daughter.

Note to Self

“They are trying to pressure you into letting up and giving in to make it easier on them. Stand your ground… you have ALREADY been the good person and done the right thing. You have already done what would help them. They just don’t want it to cost them anything, but that’s not right and that’s not life.”

~ My Mother