My whole life I’ve been waiting for a soft place to fall.
*cue trust fall in 3…2..1*
It’s always the little, unexpected things that trigger my grief as a single mother.
Like the doting Dad who just rushed to his little girl’s side with flowers and to tell her how proud he is of her at a middle school play intermission. He lit up. She lit up.
Diva deserves such doting and it breaks me that I cannot provide that piece in her life. Not for lack of trying and doing the “right thing”.
I resent her having to toughen up. It’s not fair.
Thank God for the brief pause to gather my senses back together. *sigh*
im so perplexed that its almost shocking…
As always seems to be the case, love has found me when I least expected. I didn’t see this.
Even though every conversation and interaction brings about my hair standing on end and electricity charging through my heart and soul, I regress.
I think of what I have experienced before. I think about the challenges of a future.
I tell myself that patience is the proper virtue for this situation. I constantly turn over the pros and cons. I remind myself that anything meant for me cannot be meant for anyone else and will make its way. Then, I apply the brakes and set up camp, erecting mobile barriers, but barriers none the less. This satisfies my girl brain anxieties, but my heart aches for the sweet after so very much sour.
While all this seems like a logical approach, it does not feel authentic to being myself. It feels like looking the gift horse in the mouth. It feels like cowardice.
How much time have I spent searching with unrequited efforts and fervent prayers for a partner, matched on some many (even seemingly impossible) levels to come forth? I already know everything needed to make this happen lies within me because day after day, a revelation slaps me in the face that life has perfectly prepared me for this very thing.
To be or not to be, I guess that really is the fucking question.
In one way or another I’ve always suffered. I didn’t know why exactly. But I do know that I’m not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him.
It’s all the things in all the lyrics in all the songs.
Damn. That’s scary, but what if Im brave? What might I find. What ifs … I don’t know.
What I DO know is that when you find someone to be irreplaceable the only thing you can do is hang on for as long as you can.
Nothing else is more appropriate for this autobiography.
“You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, you have a shot at a silver lining.”
– Silver Linings Playbook