Off grid: stream of consciousness 

after driving aimlessly and disassociated, im now sitting at a truck stop. i have been for about an hour now. sobbing. 

there’s no going back but i dont know where to go from here. 

i dont feel safe. my heart feels irreparably damaged. my faith in men and love and humanity is shattered.

am i unlovable? do i deserve this hurt?

if it wasn’t enough to try and fail at love three times within one year’s span i don’t know if i can handle the ultimate costs remaining. 

divorced a man after 10 years together. spent around nine months trying desperately to prove myself worthy of another man’s affections, mostly feeling like i wasn’t enough for him and never would be. everything i said or did was discounted. he kept me at a distance and let me walk away with a self fulfilling prophecy. 

starving for redemption,  not only for myself but for my kids, i was an easy target for habitual user and abuser. when the kids dad made contact claiming to be clean and wanting to make amends with his family, i found solace in thinking this was the reason everything else had fallen apart. now something better would be put together. god was …

god was nothing. 

it was my naive heart that always gives the benefit of doubt and love without conditions. when i saw my kids light up in his presence, my cup runneth over. i accepted his apology and hoped facilitating the relationship between the kids and their father would bring about the healing we were all in diar need of. 

with the holidays setting in, so did the loneliness and depression. then mania. then trying to end the mania. baby daddy comforted me and dried my tears, and i know now, took advantage of me again. showered me with compliments and acts of chivalry. i wanted to believe and so i did. he is cunning… somehow, he fools people. its shocking when you look back but in the moment it seems real. while im not ashamed of daring greatly to give my family a chance at a happy ending, i knew better. empaths and narcissists do not mix. 

there is no happy ending and im right back where i started a year ago. 

i dont want to do it again. im tired. i want to be done making myself and my heart vulnerable in the name of love. 

where did it get me?

im not sure ill ever be able to get back on the map.

 im not even sure i want to anymore. 

after all, im homesick for a place that im almost certain doesn’t exist anymore or maybe never did. 

2 thoughts on “Off grid: stream of consciousness 

  1. Idk what truck stop you’re at, but I know u better get on the road and come to me. I’m so sorry u have to go through all of this, of COURSE you are worthy! Of course u deserve love and happiness, of COURSE you are lovable…. it’s hard, but try not to doubt that. I love you, and I’m ALWAYS ALWAYS here, with an open door, empty room and big giant bear hug arms for you!

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