Sunday’s Song

“Rise”

I won’t just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can’t write my story
I’m beyond the archetypeI won’t just conform
No matter how you shake my core
‘Cause my roots—they run deep, oh

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I’ll fight it, I’ll fight it
I will transform

When, when the fire’s at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They’re whispering, “You’re out of time,”
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

‘Cause when, when the fire’s at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They’re whispering, “You’re out of time,”
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

 

Asshole:Theory

-Allows himself to enjoy special privileges in interpersonal relationships out of an entrenched sense of entitlement which immunizes him from the complaints of others. 

-will act noble and moral when he’s just as bad as the rest of them. 

 -not purposely exploit others, but remains willfully oblivious to normal expectations. 

-Will be indignant when questions about behavior are raised, because from his viewpoint, he is not getting the respect he deserves. 

-self absorption

 -Dares to be fraudulently flirtatious yet emotionally unavailable and cowardly simultaneously 

And I quote …

“I feel nothing but failure. This is the one thing I promised myself I’d get right. I’d let them be kids by protecting their hearts from pain. I’ve failed. 

I watch them and think, ‘We were there. We were inside love, being real, together—and I just pushed us all out, back into our little rooms, back into our own scared, safe, alone selves.’ Double failure.

Their hearts are broken…The ache of the moment becomes too much to bear. I have to get us out of this.”

Off grid: stream of consciousness 

after driving aimlessly and disassociated, im now sitting at a truck stop. i have been for about an hour now. sobbing. 

there’s no going back but i dont know where to go from here. 

i dont feel safe. my heart feels irreparably damaged. my faith in men and love and humanity is shattered.

am i unlovable? do i deserve this hurt?

if it wasn’t enough to try and fail at love three times within one year’s span i don’t know if i can handle the ultimate costs remaining. 

divorced a man after 10 years together. spent around nine months trying desperately to prove myself worthy of another man’s affections, mostly feeling like i wasn’t enough for him and never would be. everything i said or did was discounted. he kept me at a distance and let me walk away with a self fulfilling prophecy. 

starving for redemption,  not only for myself but for my kids, i was an easy target for habitual user and abuser. when the kids dad made contact claiming to be clean and wanting to make amends with his family, i found solace in thinking this was the reason everything else had fallen apart. now something better would be put together. god was …

god was nothing. 

it was my naive heart that always gives the benefit of doubt and love without conditions. when i saw my kids light up in his presence, my cup runneth over. i accepted his apology and hoped facilitating the relationship between the kids and their father would bring about the healing we were all in diar need of. 

with the holidays setting in, so did the loneliness and depression. then mania. then trying to end the mania. baby daddy comforted me and dried my tears, and i know now, took advantage of me again. showered me with compliments and acts of chivalry. i wanted to believe and so i did. he is cunning… somehow, he fools people. its shocking when you look back but in the moment it seems real. while im not ashamed of daring greatly to give my family a chance at a happy ending, i knew better. empaths and narcissists do not mix. 

there is no happy ending and im right back where i started a year ago. 

i dont want to do it again. im tired. i want to be done making myself and my heart vulnerable in the name of love. 

where did it get me?

im not sure ill ever be able to get back on the map.

 im not even sure i want to anymore. 

after all, im homesick for a place that im almost certain doesn’t exist anymore or maybe never did. 

“I don’t know what to do tomorrow, either. Or the day after that or ANY of the days after that. We’ll have to make it up as we go along. If it’s any comfort, that seems to be Trump’s plan, too.
I know there are protest marches planned for the 20th and ESPECIALLY for Saturday. And that’s a great idea. I’m glad to see they’re happening in “red” states as well as in D.C., Los Angeles and NYC.
But I was thinking…
Another thing you could do tomorrow, and Saturday? But ESPECIALLY tomorrow?
Leave your TV tuned to a channel like Turner Classic Movies or National Geographic or any channel that will have zero inaugural coverage. Then turn off your phone. Then shut down your computer.
And then — IF you can afford it — go find a struggling theater company and pay to see whatever play they’re putting on. Or a struggling art gallery or music club or museum. Leave ’em money and see what they’re about. Go see an indie film that’s got stellar reviews and no audience. Or a new restaurant or other small business that needs friends and customers. Download a new band. Go to an independent bookstore and buy something from a small press. Go to an open mike. Or see any comedian. Tip your barista or barkeep a little extra. 
In other words, do all of the cultural and aesthetic things that Trump thinks are worthless. Make a whole big chunk of existence suddenly spike in importance. And then keep doing that, if you can.
And if you DON’T have any money? Go knock on your neighbor’s door and see if they need anything. If you have a friend who’s Muslim, or gay, or any one of dozens of people that Trump has sneered at or hinted darkly about, go say hi and just ask if they’re okay. Tell ’em you’ve got their back. That they can come over any time, knock on the door, even if they just need someone to yell “FUCK” with.
This is going to be loooooooooooong, tense four years. We elect leaders to take worry and tension OFF of our plates. We have enough of that as it is. But for some reason, we decided to put someone in charge where the everyday weight of keeping the world from cracking apart is COMPLETELY on our shoulders, along with everything else we already have to deal with. 
So if we’re really going to fight back, and resist, the first thing we have to do — and it’s only a little thing, really, but it’s gotta be everyday — is an ongoing, gentle blowing on the tiny spark of sanity that’s still left, to keep it glowing. 
We’ve got a President who bellows cold ignorance from dawn to dusk, and he could give a shit if he kills that spark. 
So keep it lit. And keep things light. And huddle up. 
This is gonna be bad. So be good.”

~Patton Oswalt