The thing that most annoys me in dealing with PTSD is the nightmares. It just doesnt seem fair to have you worst life experiences triggered while sleeping, all helpless and unsuspecting like.
Worst yet, is waking up to the realization that your worst life experiences are reoccuring, but in an alternate reality sort of way. You cannot even tell yourself it’s not really happening, because it is.
You’re having a nightmare about some of the worst abuse you endured in your first marriage, only to wake up and want to curl up in the safest place you know, the arms of the man you learned to shed every scar away for, but he’s not there. He’s not there like he vowed he would always be, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. He’s not there like he swore to you he would be, while tears streamed down your face and you begged to never feel this pain again. He said he would never put you or your kids through that again. That the only way out was death. The guy who talked about dancing with you on your daughter’s wedding day. He’s not there.
You’re awake but it’s a living nightmare.
You can’t wake up.