I went and woke jer up and I told him.
I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I told him that it’s been more than a year since I went to him and laid out all the issues and he made promises to fix things and make efforts
I told him its been all talk and no follow through.
He said he thought he’d been doing better and if it made any difference he had planned to call and set up therapy tomorrow
I wont let him hurt the kids anymore.
I told him so. I told him that I didn’t know who he was anymore. He’s not the man I fell in love with. By always having my EX to compare to …well that’s a pretty low bar and I can’t stay married to you because sometimes you pay attention to me and it’s nice when you’re hurting my kids. I said I never imagined Id say this to you but I don’t like who you are and Im watching my son turn into you and it makes me sick to my stomach. I said that the kids are an extension of me and when you hurt them it hurts me. It’s selfish of me to consider anything else.
Then I came back upstairs, climbed into bed and now Im laying here with a million things going through my head and tears … so many tears.
Everything is going to change but it has to.
The last few months have been emotionally charged for me on a humanitarian level. Ive struggled spiritually to find my way.
The Supreme Court ruling on healthcare and same-sex marriage. The shooting in Charleston in a place of refuge. The Confederate flag debate.
These things have drawn much attention to the adversarial charged nature of our society. It’s been disheartening to say the very least.
I recently attended a church service at a church I had never been before. The pastor played a video of a group of random humans upon a beach. You could see different races, assume different socio-economical backgrounds. Their only commonality was that were all at this beach at the same time. As the tide rolled in, dolphins became beached. The people watched as maybe a dozen of them began to struggle to breathe, unable to swim away from their ill-fated predicament. In an instant, they all took action. They worked together, complete strangers, to help the animals return to the ocean, to live.
The pastor then pointed it out that it seems that when we remove our beliefs, whether religious, political, etc. that most of us know “the right thing to do”. It comes naturally. It rises up from the most genuine, beautiful and important part of us. We don’t consider our political party’s stance on the environment. We don’t wonder what sins the creatures of the sea may be guilty of, what the Bible might say about it, if they are worthy of our compassion.
And he’s right.
In obsessing over who and what are right or wrong we have lost sight of what really matters …our purpose, to love one another. Maybe the answer is that we look at one another as wounded animals instead of humans. It seem preposterous. Surely our fellow humans should warrant more love and compassion. Our capacity to process deeper meaning and thoughts should increase our understanding, not hinder it.
It’s time to evolve to higher intelligence and expand our capacity for love.
It’s time to rise above this surface level state of distraction and get to the heart of the matter.
“To the wrong people you’ll never have any worth. To the right people, you’re everything.”
I’ve just figured out my spiritual debacle. I am not a Christian.
I am a disciple of Christ.
Putting everything else aside, taking no cues from anyone around me and striving to get this one thing right:
“A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”