the carousel never stops spinning

there’s no getting off. 

its a never-ending cycle of shit that you’re supposed to survive. 

but surviving isnt living. 

i want to believe there’s more than angst to be felt. that people truly care. 

but i dont. i dont believe in much of anything anymore. not even myself. 

i dont believe that theres a reason for everything. bad shit just happens. a lot. and as much as people tell you that they’ll be there and always love you, they usually arent and dont. they love you when its convenient for them. when it means accepting a difference of opinion or going out of the way, people let their selfish pride rule. they tell themselves they’re too busy, they dont “owe you”. truth is for all the shame we feel over a life lost to suicide, very few people actually care enough to save a life when push comes to shove. 

hell, maybe nobody is worth saving. if “god” cant get off his ass to save the lives of children dying and return them whole bodied to their grief stricken, heartbroken mothers, who the hell else is worth it?

how do you keep riding this ride? 

and why? 

13 thoughts on “the carousel never stops spinning

  1. Hey, stop that talk. Do you need to get on a train and come spend time on my couch with me? I DO care. I wish there was more I could do for you from where I am. YES, you WILL be able to help someone with your condition in the future. You don’t see it now. Are you taking your meds? We ride this ride right now for our kids. Sounds like the wrong answer, but we’ve talked, and you and I know it’s true. Who’s going to take care of them better than we can? What would happen to them and how would they feel if you were to suddenly not be here? And in the meantime we hope and pray “they” find ways to make our conditions, diseases, pain better. You hang in there and ride this ride with me! I need you. God put us together for a reason, you can’t duck out on me.
    I love you, I give a shit, I’m proud to call you my friend. We’d best make plans this summer to spend some time together together. I’ll bring my boy, and our boys can spend the whole time playing video games, and we can build that fort.
    Gentle hugs.

    • I love you. Thank you for being a true friend and seeing me even when I cant see anything through the tears in my eyes.
      And yes I probably do need a sabbatical from all of this right now but as you said the kids need me so i continue to ride.

  2. Been there many times. Don’t make a rash decision. If I could help from Hawaii I would. I can’t say I love you I can however say I care. Hell I don’t fucking love myself so I don’t know what love is maybe I don’t know. Just don’t do something rash there are crisis lines and the er will help if you go and tell them you feel like hurting yourself.

    I don’t know your state or area but many have crisis centers. Find help please.

  3. Get a picture of your kids put them everywhere. So you remember the things worth living for. Listen to michelle and get some help. Crisis center, hot lines or even the local emergency room.

    Never give up.

  4. Dear lady,

    My mom is Michelle and I know you don’t know me. I wanted to tell you please don’t. When my mom tried to die I blamed myself. I spent a very long time asking myself what did I miss. How could I let this happen. I even needed help of my own.

    Don’t let your kids feel this way please. It was awful to feel I did it. I failed my mom. I was so happy she didn’t die but I felt so guilty for missing some sign. Please please see someone or get help please. It’s awful to feel like you failed you mom. I hated myself for failing her.

    Please don’t do it. Think of your kids and don’t put that guilt on them. Look my mom can’t use a phone but I can give you my number and you can talk to me. I don’t care but please don’t do that, never ever to your kids.


    • im not going anywhere and while that seems unfortunate in these moments, i couldnt do that to my kids for the very reasons youve stated. ive lost someone i loved to suicide and if he knew now what happened in the wake of his death he would be devastated, ashamed and pissed off.
      i wont do that.

      • Amen and I mean it my mom can give you my number I will talk to you anytime you need someone. Keep up your strength and share the burden with people you trust. You are not a burden and you are loved. Believe me on that. I’m glad you aren’t going away. It’s awful to lose or even think you may lose your mother.

        It’s the worst thing I ever felt.

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