This is what gets me: Part Two

Today I had my epidural spinal injection. They were at the same hospital where I delivered my kids. In fact, the recovery room was the room I actually delivered Jedi in. I’ve written about what a strange experience it is before. Just like I’ve written about watching the episode of ‘Friends’, the one where Rachel tells Ross she’s pregnant and they have the sonogram and how it sent all these memories flooding back.

Today, I found myself watching that episode again and coupled with being in the same room I delivered my son, I was struck with such emotional pain that it took me back a little.

Back to a place I don’t like to be. I found myself back in the place where I question everything that happened in my previous marriage. Questioning how I ever let myself be in a situation like that. Examining every other moment we shared. Being disgusted at the way they have all been tainted. Wondering if I’m ever going to be able to look back on these memories that I should cherish with anything more than bittersweet melancholy. It makes me resentful and that’s a place I never want to stay. It makes me wonder too. Not that it would matter anyways but, I can’t help but wonder how he lives with the memories or if he ever thinks of us, or me, at all.

4 thoughts on “This is what gets me: Part Two

  1. Anyone who knows me and has read the inside me deeply series/category knows I’d have something to say here. 🙂

    My son was conceived in the worst way possible. For sometime I could see those men in his face. The guilt of being raped, having that baby and then not being able to love him drove me to my first suicide attempt.

    The day he was born is still painful sometimes, but then I see his smiling face and everything is right in the world again. The pain fades in time. Focus on your little one. The pain will fade and be replaced by the awesome joy of motherhood. It’s a very special bond you share.

    As for does “he” think about you. If he left you it’s his lose because you’re an awesome person. So don’t dwell on what he is thinking because he already proved he was stupid for leaving you and the little one. He’s not worth the thought.

    It does get less painful. I promise. If mine can become the total blessing he is to me, so much so the pain is all gone now then yours can become the same to you. There will be reminders but they will be fewer and father between and less painful.


  2. Pingback: This is what gets me: Part Three | Stephieopolis

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