Im at the Cleveland Clinic today for more dysautonomia testing. Im currently waiting to have a biopsy. Im shaking my leg incessantly. Wanting to crawl out of my skin. The worst part is I know it’s not that Im all nerves in relation to the testing.
Im on the edge of insanity. Manic. Rapid cycling.
If I were able to continue self-medicating and numbing I might be able to fool myself into believing I can keep testing how far I can go and how intriguing it may be to see how much I can get away with while blaming my mental illness. The slowing and sitting gives me too much time to think. Checklist. Intentions. Consequences. This is when I wish I were dumber. Ignorance would be blissful. But, fuck…I know too much.
At least I slept last night. That only required 2 beers and medication, music, a movie and a book…all at once to stop the voices from creeping up. The ultra religiosity. Im finding it hard not to scour The Book for salvation.