AHA! moment

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I had this AHA! moment today that was life-changing. All the hairs on my body stood on end as if I had had an electric current flow through me. Maybe it was more like a fork in the electric socket moment. Whatever. It definitely woke me up. I came to the realization that a large part of the reason my husband and I have been at odds has been because everything is fine. That probably sounds really dumb, but hear me out.

When my husband and I met, I was only recently separated from my EX. I wasn’t looking for love. It started online. We didn’t know each other. We just knew people who knew each other and so it was recommended that we should be friends. At first, I was nothing more than super physically attracted to him. He had that edgy thing going for him. My friend told me that he was nice, funny, but just not for her. So it began. At first we just scoped out each others pages and talked about common interests. After messaging for a couple weeks though he wanted to meet me.

It so happened that this was the point in time when the greatest tragedy I had known would unfold. I picked up the phone one morning to hear my best friend on the other end, but there was no life on the line. Her son had been shot and killed. The world came to a screeching halt. I spent days on end walking with her through the greatest hell a mother can ever know. Sleeping on the floor next to her, sleeping on the couch just to be there when she would wake up crying, realizing that it hadn’t been just a bad dream. I became distant and vague with the new guy, not wanting to share a story that wasn’t mine to share. Until one night on the porch with my friend when she asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to meet him for dinner. She told me life was too short and I had waited to long to be happy. I mustered all the courage I could and obliged.

The favor my friend asked of me was vulnerability. She asked me to put aside EVERYTHING I had just been through in an abusive marriage and take a chance for her that she knew I wouldn’t take on my own. He ended up being the love of my life, but I never would have known that if it had not been for vulnerability and vulnerability, it turns out, is the key to life’s greatest joys and pleasure beyond our comprehension.

I’m of the opinion that because we live in a world where tragedies unfold everyday, we’ve all become desensitized to tragedy without realizing that we are also allowing ourselves to be desensitized to joy. We put up walls, impenetrable perimeters to guard ourselves. We write our safety laws, rules and regulations upon them. DO NOT ENTER. Proceed with caution. Beware of the raving bitch. Do not look at the man behind the curtain.

Back to my husband and I…and the AHA! moment.

Since the dawn of our time together, there have been circumstances and people to deal with. It really is remarkable how many times your heart can be broken without you actually dying. There was so much that made us bleed. We found our way through, however, we had become conditioned to always be prepared for the next obstacle. We knew to turn to each other when it happened, but when nothing happened, we waited for something to happen. In the meantime, we’ve been missing the joy of this beautiful, so precious, life we had made together. Right here, right now.

So I’ve decided I’m submitting myself, to him, to us. Screw hell and high water, come unspeakable joy and overwhelming sunny days, I want it all. I won’t wait for the other shoe to drop. I’m going to throw caution to the wind, be completely vulnerable, make a total ass of myself and I’m going to love every second of it.

As my friend asked of me, I ask of you. Be vulnerable. Be aware of it, respect it, but instead of letting all the “could”s and “should”s stop you, recognize the chance that vulnerability gives you to fully experience life. You cannot know what happiness awaits you until you take the chance, whole heartedly. You’ve waited long enough. It’s never too soon to be happy, my friend.

vulnerability(1)

11 thoughts on “AHA! moment

  1. “It really is remarkable how many time your heart can be broken without you actually dying.”- This is my quote of the say. These words hit me like a brick. You give me faith that a second, third, fourth chapter of life lies ahead and we will all keep marching on.

    • I think, maybe there are as many chapters of life ahead of us as there are behind us at any given moment because our stories, if we are brave enough to tell them, have the potential to live on well beyond us.
      Thank you for sharing with me that my words meant something to you.

  2. Pingback: Quote of the Day… | zio's attic

  3. β€œIt really is remarkable how many time your heart can be broken without you actually dying.” –So beautifully and honestly written! This is one of the most honest blogs I stumbled upon. I admire your courage. Vulnerability truly has become something that we need to reminds ourselves of.

  4. I’ve read through a couple of your posts and I was thinking to myself, damn! you have been through a lot! The story about your friend in this post had me *almost* bursting into tears, with a lump in my throat. when all your world is crumbling down, the only way to go is up. Your stories are remarkable. And yes I’ll see you on the flipside. πŸ™‚

    • I figure if I or anyone else can take something away from these stories, it’s worth it.
      Although I readily admit I sometimes write little notes to God that say: I’m flattered you think so much of me but really, I’ve had all that I can handle. How about some blessings not in disguise. πŸ˜‰

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