Who I am and Why I’m here

I am a girl. A girl who has always loved love and there’s nothing I love more than getting lost in passion. Whether it’s getting lost in music, writing, creating or the raw passion of sex. That’s gotten me into some trouble. It’s lead me to people-pleasing behavior that hasn’t allowed me to love myself in it’s midst. In my quest finding love God knows I’ve had my broken my own heart more than anyone else ever could by being too vulnerable to the wrong people. Vulnerability is a beautiful thing. I will never give it up, but I’ve learned that there are only certain people who deserve to swim in its depths. I wrestle with fear and doubt, but probably have more faith in myself than anyone else ever could.

Im a Mom. That’s the only thing I was sure I wanted to be when I grew up. I always imagined that I would be a mother to two boys and a little girl, in that order and I am, but nothing about being a Mom is the way I imagined it would be. My oldest son, my Pickle, was a step son in my first marriage whom I adopted. My JJ is my middle child but also my first born and oldest mentally and emotionally. My baby girl is the diva. She’s everything I am and everything I am not. It’s a complicated scenario that most people cannot relate to. Being a Mom is hard on it’s own, but I’ve also been a divorced Mom, single Mom, a special needs Mom, an adoptive Mom, a working Mom, a stay at home Mom, a manic Mom, a depressed Mom, a disabled Mom…

Im a wife. A first wife and the ex wife. I’ve been wife to an alcoholic, an abused wife, a wife with a faithful husband, a wife to an unfaithful husband, an estranged wife. The good wife.

Marriage is complicated. Parenting is hard. Both are completely worth the trouble.

I’m a mess, but I love that about me. All the the ugly somehow adds up to something quite beautiful.

Why I’m here is either more simple or complicated than I care to admit.

I spent much of last year learning to love myself and this year is about manifestation and self-actualization. I could be looking back to know how to move forward. I know I’ve chosen many wrong roads when I’ve had a path to choose and I feel a little too old to let history repeat itself.

Maybe I’m here because I need a distraction. Perhaps it’s about having a beautiful release for my internal conversations and stuff that sits in my head and could easily drive me mad. Maybe it’s because I want to be seen. Maybe it’s because Im done pretending .Im done hiding. Im done holding everything inside. I’m done trying to carry on when I just want to cry. Im going to let myself cry and hurt and soak in pure joy.

Im attempting to live my life out loud and to shine a light on everything around me and let the clarity define me.
That’s why Im here.

4 thoughts on “Who I am and Why I’m here

  1. And that says it all. The journey is never easy but it’s worth it. At nearly 60 and 2 exes two girls two grand daughters and a very special needs foster son that I had for 11years under my belt. Oh and auto immune disorder etc. I take each day and love it. Glad you still believe in love. Your right it is never easy life happens sometimes it sucks and sometimes it doesn’t. Great post so open and honest.

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