The problem with being an intelligent person is that you can know TOO much for your own good. I almost envy the sweet bliss of ignorance. That would make everything “seem” completely different from that perspective. But that is not the case. Not only am I intellectual, but I am a highly sophisticated, special teams trained, litigation minion -rawr (aka paralegal, aka research is my specialty.)
Now that I am disabled, to keep things interesting I suppose, every time I stumble into a new doctor’s office, medical subject, propable diagnosis or suggested treatment that I don’t know anything about, I’m ready to hunker down and research, research, research. There are 2 problems with that:
Number 1- I am visually disabled. Research now moves at a snails pace. I get frustrated and my anxiety rises because I’m one of those people who want to finish what I start. Well, I finish what I start if my ADD doesn’t derail me OR my mania dies down and I crash…HARD. Those things aside, I like to finish what I start.
Number 2-when you’ve seen a lot of medical malpractice cases, this research MUST be done before doing ANYTHING. This means that I am neurotic enough to check the court dockets searching for doctor’s names or their clinic names. And then, I also search my state’s medical licensing site to check for any disciplinary action. And while you may think a clean search would make me feel better, I was raised by a mother with “worst case scenario” complex. So, it doesn’t really matter what I find. Even if its never happened, it will likely happen to me.
This does actually happen to me. One time after a surgery, I went to have the staples removed and I told the doctor it seemed that a couple of the staples had flipped backwards. She assured me that doesn’t happen. Ever. Then, upon going to take them out…they had turned around backwards. Trust me when I say that this is not the first or last time I’ve heard a doctor say, “I’ve never seen that before”. I also like “You’re a complicated case”.
So now that people are suggesting that I have needles shoved in my spine to relieve back pain, I’m not exactly looking forward to it. I mean, it’s my fucking spine. It’s sorta, no, it’s really important! My new pain specialist doc tried to reassure me:
Doc: You’ve had babies. Did you have an epidural?
Me: Duh! (I said yes, but I thought duh. Because, well, it hurts. When they give you that rate your pain question and say, “10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt”, my 10 is childbirth. So, yeh…he doesn’t have a vagina and hasn’t experienced the “JOY” of childbirth so, DUH! is the appropriate answer to a man, just not to the man who’s going to be shoving needles in your spine.)
Doc: It’s like that. You’ll be fine.
Me: Sure, except after thay epidural I felt like I had been kicked in the back by a horse and the only thing that made it better was that I had a baby.
Doc: (laughing at me) Well, in this scenario I can give you better drugs to put you into a “twilight” state and I will use Xray to be guided to the right spot.
Ok. That does make me feel better, except now I’m focused on the word “twilight” and I’m pretty sure I’m going to make smartass vampire jokes when I’m all loopey and ga ga from the drugs, because I always say smartass things in the procedure room that my doctor tells me about later and never lets me live down that I don’t remember and I’m very focused on that word now because my daughter just made me watch the stupid movie from which I gathered A LOT of joke material. Awesome.
But what really makes me feel better is knowing that this doctor “has been named one of America’s Top Pain Medicine Physicians by Consumers’ Research Council of America and has been featured in international and national pain journals, as well as Oprah Radio.”
Listen ya’ll if Oprah gave him her seal of approval, that’s legit!