My body is failing me and it sucks!
I can’t drive anymore, more suckage!
And I can’t work anymore. You might not think that sucks, but not having a paycheck…it really cramps my style and it makes those people who I signed those looong contracts with saying Id give them most of it call me. A LOT. Major suckage!

Aside from those few things (yeh that’s all) I’m in a shit ton of pain. Yesterday, I reluctantly went to see a Pain Management doctor. I knew 2 things, he was either going to want to poke me (not in the fun way) OR give me drugs. You may not think this sucks either, but I don’t like the way they make me feel. I’m a control freak and they leave me vulnerable.

But here’s the real issue. Apparently there is a huge narcotic abuse problem in America. Turns out when people aren’t working,losing their house and worrying about their kids being shot they get depressed and/or stressed out. They need a vacation. Lala land brought to you by Pfizer will have to do.

Then when a person who has actual medical issues requires the prescribing of narcotics, everyone gets all shifty eyed, speculative and treats you like a drug addict. This means you have to sign “contracts” with your doctor saying you wont abuse narcotics, a statment that you understand the contract and then a waiver of liability when they kick your arse to the curb for abusing the narcotics. This happens once with the receptionist and then again with a snarky physician assistant and yet again with the registered nurse.

Technically though, if someone is high as a kite, they can’t have the required mental capacity to be held to the terms of a contract. When you make this observation, you’ve just exposed your intent to abuse because you thought about it.

I imagine next time they’ll also make me sign a form stating I’m of sound mind.

By the time I leave I have 3 new diagnosies and a test, follow up appointment and prescription for each. Now I’m not just in pain, I’m overwhelmed, tired and stressed out. However, this whole process of narcotic prescription and my understanding of them now must be repeated with my pharmacist. Yay!

After a thorough background check, a review of my pharmacy records, a scan of my driver’s license…no, STATE I.D. a chat with my pharmacist AND another signature to swear I wont distribute the narcotics I have grown curious, and annoyed enough to ask my pharmacist for their privacy practice disclosure. Did I mention I’m losing my vision and thus, cannot read? This is just for.good measure. I want to be sure they know I’m a responsible patient. A woman with my intelligent forethought could not possibly abuse narcotics.

Me: Excuse me? May I please have a copy of your privacy notice?
Employees begin to look under counter for the document.
Still amused with this whole “process” for one prescription I offer some humor.
Me: Seems like you go through more to get prescriptions than to buy bullets. (snort)
The employees all look at me, annoyed.
Employee: Ma’am we have to follow these industry standards for our patients safety. We share registry data with other pharmacies to prevent illegal abuse.

This is awesome. Now the doctor’s office and the pharmacy will surely flag me. All because I went to the doctor.

Now, I’m still in pain, am overwhelmed, tired, stressed out and annoyed.

Stupid pain. Stupid body. Stupid pill heads. Stupid system. Now we.all have to be treated like addicts? Stupid.


Spoon Theory

After having my therapist (gawd, that sounds SO cliche’) make references to spoons that I didn’t understand, I googled it.
I think this really is a simplified way of explaining what it’s like to live with a chronic illness to those who do not.
GRANTED, there are many other factors, both physical and mental, emotional, financial, social, etc…that it doesn’t scratch the surface of, but it works as a simple explanation.

Adoption Day

Today was an exceptionally special day.

Today was the final adoption hearing which made official my husband being our children’s father.

Although they are not biologically his, he has always treated them as such and never complained or so much batted an eye at the responsiblities. He’s provided for them financially and emotionally. And he says it’s his privilege.

He is a true father.

We may not be traditional but we are a family. We are blessed and I am so grateful.
My cup runneth over…

Healthy People vs. Chronically Ill People

Healthy People: I hate my body!
Spoonies: My body hates me!
Healthy People: I hate my job!
Spoonies: I wish I could work!
Healthy People: I stayed out too late; I’m so tired today!
Spoonies: I washed my hair today; I’m too exhausted to do anything else!
Healthy People: Why are you depressed?
Spoonies: There’s no “trigger” for depression; it’s not just sadness. Depression happens because the chemicals in my head are screwy!
Healthy People: Why don’t you ever want to do anything?
Spoonies: You have no idea how much I WANT to do stuff, I just CAN’T sometimes.
Healthy People: I wish I could stay in bed all day!
Spoonies: I wish I could get out of bed today!
Healthy People: Want to go see that new movie at the theater?
Spoonies: *thought process* well, there are 4 stairs to leave the house, 28 steps to the car, the car ride will probably aggravate my headache, more steps and more stairs once we get to the theater, two hours in an uncomfortable chair and $15 to watch a movie I’m probably not going to remember, anxiety from being around so many people, car ride home, getting back into the house…and I have maybe 2 spoons left today. How important is this person to me? Can I push through? Will (s)he mind if we just stay in and catch an older movie on TV?
Healthy People: If you were more active/ate better/lost weight/etc., maybe you would feel better
Spoonies: I’m doing everything within my power to feel better. Sometimes being active is impossible, what I eat is dependent upon what my body can digest, and weight loss is difficult when the first two are beyond my control.
Healthy People: I just read that this new diet/supplement/medication/alternative therapy/yoga pose/etc. can help people with your condition.
Spoonies: If there is something that has shown promise in my medical community, there are people who have tried it. I have likely tried it. I know you just want to help me feel better but you’re making it seem as though there’s some “magic cure” out there and I’m just not trying hard enough.
Healthy People: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger/God won’t give you more than you can handle/Positive thinking/the power of prayer/any other cliche saying
Spoonies: Sometimes, what doesn’t kill you makes you beg for death. Also, please don’t quote scripture or talk to me about God and prayer if you aren’t familiar with my religious beliefs. Not only might that be offensive to me but, also, this has seemed like more than I can handle for way too long.
Healthy People: Check out the new bag I bought!
Spoonies: *thought process* would all my meds fit in that?
Healthy People: How does my butt look in these jeans?
Spoonies: Oh, crap! Did I put on shoes today?
Healthy People: Doctor, what’s wrong with me?
Spoonies: When we left last time, we were talking about this symptom I’ve been having. I did some research, I think it might be…… (and they’re usually right!)