Going off the rails on a crazy train

Its easier to make jokes about this, but I guess if I were dealing in full reality, there really is not much humor to be found in an admission to the “stress management” unit of the hospital.

They (the staff) keep acknowledging the trauma that has gotten each of us here, however, I am having a harder time identifying it. Maybe instead of one big trauma, its a lot of little things that have all built up. The chemical dependency counselor called it “hay bale syndrome”. The idea that a piece of hay is not difficult to deal with, pickup, toss aside, etc. Hell, you could even stick it between your teeth and have a little mystery added to your persona if you pull off the look. BUT, when a bunch of pieces of hay are baled together, the weight is enormous and difficult to manuever.

After nearly a week here, Im better able to be present without dissolving into tears or staying in bed all day, but there is a lot just beneath the surface. When a topic of conversation starts to pull away at my superficial layer, my leg begins to shake uncontrollably and tears brim the edges of my eyes. I dont quite understand the orgins of this emotional crisis/mental breakdown, but I know repeating the same actions/thoughts that led me here will not yield different results. IF there was ever a time for change, it is right now.

I know its going to be uncomfortable and challenging, but Im convinced it will also be completely worth it. I AM COMPLETELY WORTH IT. This is the end of the world as I once knew it, but not the end of THE world. Im still terrified. I will not entertain any psycho babble bullshit. I am keeping it real. Only God knows what that is going to allow to resurface and be plucked from suppression, but its honestly now or never…sink or swim…live or die.

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