Dear Baby Jaxon

It is in comprehensible to me that I have to write these words from the bottom my heart instead of holding you in my arms been whispering them gently into your little perfect ear. I can only imagine what you may have looked like but I am certain that you would’ve had your daddy’s glorious, green, gorgeous eyes. I used to dream of you while looking at daddy’s eyes in his baby pictures.

Your daddy is a good man. I know he would’ve raised you with a lot of tenderness and depth. He isn’t the kind of man who pretends to not be aware of things beyond the physical. My heart aches knowing that the world will not get to be molded to fit for another good man’s presence. The world needs more people like your daddy. My hopes and dreams for the impact you would have had on the world are unmeasurable, but the impact your short time in our lives had will never be forgotten.

Yes, it is painful because we cannot embrace you and express our love physically but, we refuse to pack it away. I will always seek you out in this world beyond ours in which we will someday have our many questions answered and tears wiped away. I send a little prayer your way here and there, but know there is nothing my heart desires more than your presence.

I want nothing more than to bear the physical, mind-bending pain of your birth and the precious relief of holding you in my arms, safe and warm, counting those 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. To feel your small breaths stretch my heart to new bounds of love, admiration and gratitude that I could not have imagined before. I want nothing more than to lay you in your father’s arms, watching them fumble you graciouslessly, as a first-time father does with his little world.

I wish I had been able to introduce you to your brothers and sister. You have amazing siblings. They would have held your hand through many adventures.

Why is it so painful to lose what wasn’t ? They tell me not to try to understand everything because it isn’t meant to be understood just accepted.
I’ve been around enough to know that dreams don’t turn to gold, but you are the exception to the rule, a dream that was and is even if we can’t see you. I do take comfort in knowing that you were in the safest, most peaceful place a soul can be and as a mother, your mother, I can accept that I cannot physically hold you to know that you will be in your heavenly father’s arms forever.

Until we meet face-to-face, please feel our love always.

All my love, Mommy

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