Lesson from Velveteen Rabbit

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t about how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes, ” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are REAL you don’t mind being hurt.”

Margery Williams

                       The Velveteen Rabbit

I Quit! (?)

Ive got a lot of decisions to make for my professional self.

Currently, I am working as a paralegal. In the position I currently hold, I work for a man I admire on a personal level but can’t handle working with on a professional level. Right now I work as an independent contractor, which means its part-time and I can work from home when I need to, which has been great with the kids and issues surrounding my parents health this year. However, to make a long story short – I require organization and scheduling and he is more a fly by the seat of my pants, shoot first and ask questions later type of business man.

I can go with the flow better than most, but when you wait until 15 minutes before I have to leave for the kids when I’ve been in the office all day, or wait til 7pm at night to to give me something that he assures me has to be done this instant, when I’ve been available and waiting all day, that’s not cool and when my paychecks start to bounce…I think it’s time to start reviewing other options.

Regardless of that mentioned above, an opprotunity presented itself and I agreed to go for an interview. The interview turned into a job offer that I really would be crazy to pass up. It’s full-time but the hours work great with me and my husband’s schedule. It would allow me to get them off to school and him to be here when they get home. There are also cheaper medical benefits available to me after 90 days than we currently have through my husband’s employer and I would have paid time off after 90 days and a weeks vacation time after 6 months. Free life and disability insurance paid for by the company. This is the job/benefits I would want if I decided not to continue on to law school.

I’ve been toying with continuing on to law school since before I even finished my Bachelors Degree this past summer. But it’s a HUGE decision. Aside from the personal sacrafice to myself and my family for another 3-5 years, it’s a financial one too and I’ve got kids who will be thinking about college in another 5-8 years. I’ve had attorneys in my life tell me I should definitely do it, I’d do well, I’ll get through it and then there have been others who have cautioned me against it. Not because they don’t think I would be good at it, but because if they had it to do over again – they may have chosen another avenue professionally. I’ve been told there is more job security and less stress in being a paralegal, IF you work for the right attorney. But that in and of itself may prove to be a bigger problem because, a lot of attorneys can be tough to work for. Which brings up my biggest hang up all….the fear that if I go to law school that I could become the kind of attorney that I absolutely hate. Ive been told that the attorneys people hate, were douchebags before they went to law school and only come out more full of themselves and so, I have nothing to worry about….but I wonder.

In the meantime, I think taking this job is a good move because if I am ever going to be able to make it work, this would be the  job to do it in. It’s an opprotunity I can’t pass on. It’s also a good time for me, personally and professionally to make this move in order to make other decisions in the next year about which way Im going. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s still hard to quit the job I currently have. I’m agonizing over writing my resigantion letter and how he’s going to take it. Ive made it possible to give him two weeks, but I’m afraid he’s going to get really upset when he sees my resignation. My husband says if that happens so be it. I keep trying to reason in my head that if I were getting canned I’d be given 10 minutes to collect my things and be shown to the door so essentially its the same thing if he gets upset, but I at least I did the right thing by extending the courtesy of notice, right?

I’ve only walked out on one job without notice and it was simply because I had been pushed to my breaking point and couldn’t do one more minute of work for such a pompous asshole.

I could start this job today, tomorrow, whenever, if I wanted to,  or if need be but, the bottom line is that I like my boss, personally, so I don’t want to burn any bridges.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make it any less awkward or difficult.

I Believe (This is one of the better chain emails I received)

I Believe…..
That just because two people argue,
It doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.

And just because they don’t argue,
It doesn’t mean they do love each other.

I Believe..
That we don’t have to change friends if
We understand that friends change..

I Believe……
That no matter how good a friend is,

They’re going to hurt you every once in a while
And you MUST forgive them for that.

I Believe…
That true friendship continues to grow,

Even over the longest distance.

I Believe…..
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe..
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe…..
That you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I Believe..
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,

Regardless of the consequences.

I Believe…..
That my best friend and I,

Can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe….
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
 when you’re down,
Will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe..
That sometimes when I’m angry,

I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe…..
That maturity has more to do with

What types of experiences you’ve had
And what you’ve learned from them

And less to do with
How many birthdays you’ve celebrated..

I Believe…..
That it isn’t always enough,

To be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe…
That no matter how bad your heart is broken

 The world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I Believe…..
That our background and circumstances

May have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe….
That you shouldn’t be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe…..
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe….
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don’t even know you.

I Believe…
That even when you think you have no more to give,

When a friend cries out to you –
You will find the strength to help.

I Believe….
That credentials on the wall

Do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe…
That the people you care about most in life

Are taken from you too soon.   

WARNING: Bad Drivers EVERYWHERE!

I often find myself laughing behind the wheel of my car just at the sheer audacity and distractibility of people when they drive. But lately, it’s not humorous anymore – it’s annoying and frankly – downright scary at times.

For instance the other day. I came to a light on a four lane street. There is a left hand turning lane and two straight lanes for my direction of travel. I am in left lane, next to the left turning lane. The light turns green and the driver in front of me hesitates to proceed. I can’t figure out what they are doing, so I give them a second and then I tap the horn in case they havent seen the light. The driver then proceeds into the middle of the intersection, stops and turns on their left blinker. Mind you, there was a turning lane for this but because this driver has missed their turn and is apparently a VERY SPECIAL DRIVER they got to block all of the drivers in the left lane on this busy four lane highway in order to make their turn, instead of say, going down a block and turning around.

Things like this severely annoy me.

Also, to anyone who reads this entry: GET OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE AND DRIVE.

I was driving my kids to school this morning when the driver in the lane headed the opposite direction crossed the center line into my lane and I had to swerve to miss him. Luckily, there was nobody next to me, but this guy was texting on his phone and speeding in a school zone in bad weather. Hello? Anybody there?

I assure you that no conversation you are having on your phone whether by talking or texting, is so important that it can’t wait until you get out of your car and I can PROMISE you that its not worth damaging or taking someone’s life. There is absolutely NO REASON that any of us need to be on the phone while we’re driving. ITS IGNORANT.  Don’t wait until someone crosses a line and  kills someone you love (or you do it) to decide I was right about this.

I recently saw a show where a mother talked about her daughter being killed by someone on their cellphone while she was riding her bike. The lady never saw her, hit her with her 8,000lb SUV. As a mother, I couldn’t believe I had ever been so ignorant as to think anything I was talking about was more important than the lives/souls I passed OR my own precious cargo.

Most of us are smart enough to not drink and drive and being on your phone, even on a headset, can be just as distracting because its not about your eyes and hands, its about where your brain is.

GET OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE, whatever it is can wait and if not…… PULL OVER.

About Last Night

Last night ended up being one of the best nights I had had in a very long time.

A couple days ago I got a call from my friend, Biscuit, who is very dear to my heart but lives on the other side of the country. Unfortunately she told me she would be here for a funeral but wanted to get together. After a long week, yesterday I got to go rescue her.

We spent the afternoon catching up and talking to each other in a way that most people in my life just don’t truly understand or appreciate. If I went into all the ways that our souls intertwine, I could write a novel on the subject. So, in short, I will just say that she gets me. She also shares something with me that nobody else on Earth will ever understand because they did not experience it which makes her all that more endearing to me.

It just so happens that this friend of mine has always reminded me of a friend of my Husbster and I have always thought in my head if those two hooked up – it would either be disastrous, or the best thing that ever happened. I took a chance. What the hell…she’s only in town for a couple of days.

We went out and had the absolute best time you can have in a snow storm that cancels your plans and makes you stay in and play board games and watch Fraggile Rock. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Between the two of our friends, sometimes I had to run to the bathroom because I literally thought I might pee myself in a fit of laughter.

It was just a really good time that did my soul good.

New Years Resolutions

I didn’t make any concrete resolutions for this year, but I had some pretty resolved ideas of things I wanted, no needed, to do this year.

For example: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. One of the things I resolved to do this year was not so much to lose weight but to transform my life – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… This is a multi-faceted thing. I want to get my life back. I don’t mean that I’ve been unhappy – I have been more happy in the last 3 years, even in the midst of great suffering, than I can ever recall, but like a lot of mothers I’ve spent the last few years a little lost in my kids. I don’t regret that in anyway. They needed me. We needed each other. We went through a divorce and remarriage, reestablishing ourselves and we’ve finally gotten to this good place where we are ok with our lot in life and all that involves from that past or that might carry over from the past. Right now is a time when I actually have the ability to take more time for me and I need to.

Physically, one of the ways that I am attempting to keep this on track is that I’ve joined a medically based fitness center. With some of my health issues and because my physical therapy has been run out of the same building it made a lot of common sense to be able to have child care on site with a membership and continue my workouts as well. One great thing about this is that as a member they start you out with an assessment and an exercise prescription. They redo the prescription every couple months so you don’t get bored and the assessment is done every six months to check your progress and set new goals and keep you on track. I think that’s awesome. I’m actually kinda excited about July and finding out where I am. I am also happy to report that I made the Consistency Club last month and got the added bonus of losing 8lbs. And in another small, but HUGE feat for me, I have stopped biting my nails. I heard that it takes 21 days to pick up or break a habit so – I’ve broken a bad one and picked up a good one. Go me!

Spiritually, I’ve decided that I need to get back to church more. I’m not big on organized religion per se but I am not so dumb as to believe that I can completely neglect my spirit and feel honkey dorey. I’ve seen so many people who have it all and feel empty and go: “Why aren’t I happy?” Hey – it’s called your soul – you’re neglecting it! Now, I’m not saying that there are not other things that people can do that fuels their soul, it just so happens that for me, going to church – for the most part, helps me reconnect spiritually and shed the negative stuff. It gets me back to a true place of knowing that come what may – it will work as out as it should and I will find my way.

Emotionally and Mentally, the plan was to get back to blogging because lets face it in order to keep one’s sanity you have to keep your sanity and blogging is a heck of a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist. So – this is a start to keeping that promise to myself. I’m a little behind and I could make a bunch of excuses, but the truth is that its important and I need to make the time and so I will.

It appears I’m off and running and have finally put these plans to paper. I always hate sharing these kinds of things because of the accountability factor but – the last resolution deals with living with more integrity. I don’t think this is something that I required large amounts of work on, but something I think we could all strive to improve and on that note: I have put it out there and am making myself accountable.

Time will tell.