Never is a Promise and I’ll never need a lie.

Today would’ve been my 9th wedding anniversary to my exhusband, a fact that seems to be weighing on his mind if his text messages are any indication. He speaks of vows. Something he never valued previously. I’m frustrated by the interruption to a life I’ve had to put back together from pieces.

Couldn’t find my own words, but these lyrics have always said it best. If you understand, more power to you. If you don’t, I don’t care to offer any further explaination or dedication of time to this subject.

You’ll never see
The courage I know
Its colors’ richness 
Won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow, 
The way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you

But as the scenery grows, 
I see in different lights
The shades and shadows 
Undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch
I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention
-to you

You’ll say you understand
But you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up
Seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never touch
These things that I hold
The skin of my emotions
Lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel
The heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown
To you

You’ll say don’t fear your dreams
It’s easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall
From hopes so high
But never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never live the life that I live
I’ll never live the life
That wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might
Give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, 
I see in different lights
The shades and shadows
Undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch
I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention
To you

You’ll say you understand,
You’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up 
Knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in
You don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing 
When I start to cry
But never is a promise
And I’ll never need a lie

The Six Tests of Ethical Action

I’ve been asking myself a lot lately “What is the point in doing the right thing?” Because really it seems only the a**holes are getting by.  I get tired of doing the right thing, of taking the high road, forgiving those who have hurt me even when they don’t apologize just because holding onto anger, really only burns yourself.  I think the answer is really only that you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be ok with your own actions regardless of what others do. If I’m honest, when I look at these people in my life who I have taken the high road with, none of them are happy and bascially, misery loves company. They’re getting by because they don’t care and thie lives lack quality because of it.

I found this today while doing some research on realtor ethics for work. I thought it was pretty relevant….#5 is the heart of it, in my opinion.

There are simple tests we can use to evaluate the ethical appropriateness of our actions. These little thought experiments can help us gain mental clarity and get our moral bearings, especially when some measure of financial gain, power, or status is at stake, and we might be tempted to rationalize an action that we know to be wrong. Oscar Wilde famously admitted, “I can resist everything but temptation.” These tests can help us to resist even that.

1. The publicity test. Ask, “Would I want to see this action described on the front page of the local paper?” or “How would I feel about having done this if everyone, including the people I love, were to find out?”

2. The transparency test. Ask, “Could I give a clear explanation for the action, including an honest and transparent account of my motives, that would satisfy a fair and dispassionate moral judge?”

3. The moral mentor test. Carry around the image of a wise and good person you admire: a parent or friend, a professional mentor, or a great moral example from history, such as Jesus or Gandhi. Ask: “What would my moral mentor do in this situation?”

4. The admired observer test. A variant on the two previous tests, this one recommends that we ask, “Would I want my moral mentor to see me doing this?” or “What would make my moral mentor proud of me in this situation?”

5. The man/woman in the mirror test. Avoiding all questions of weight, hair color, the exigencies of a bad hair day, bloodshot eyes, bags, and wrinkles, ask, “Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and respect the person I see there?”

6. The Golden Rule test. Ask, “Would I like to be on the receiving end of this action and its potential consequences? Am I treating others the way I’d want to be treated?”

Heavy burdens harvest few words

I went to church last weekend to see a missionary from South Africa. It was uplifting, freeing. The missionary was on fire and I burned, a good burn. No more scraping the bottom of the barrell, no more false starts.

I believed there was hope, there was victory. Not that there would be but that there already was.

In the passing week, everytime a negative thought has fluttered between the space in my head, it was shut out. Yeh, I see you, but (flick) see ya.

I’m trying this whole – what you put out there comes back to you thing, so…I can’t say what I am most fearful of. I just squash it.

Is that really possible? Is that what this is about? Am I really supposed to pretend this isn’t happening? 

How do you shut out when your mother tells you they found “a significant mass”.  That there will be an operation “as soon as possible”. That “the oncologist is on board”.


Not happening.

He’s never seen the light, he only feels the heat

The title of this blog is my mother’s favorite way to describe my ex and boy, has she nailed it. If I had to pick a sentence to capture it all, that’d be the one.

As always, things have come full circle with ElChuba Douchebag. (Half mythical being/half douchebag)

The kids are back in counseling, we’re headed back to Court. He wants his child support reduced – all about money. I want supervised visits reinstated – all about kids’ well-being.

It’s only been 6 months since we agreed to let him have these unsupervised visits and it’s been a nightmare. One thing after another. He doesn’t have money for food to feed them, can’t get them, he’s gotta do this, do that, tells the kids to fight with me so they can come live with him (yes, that really happened, i.e…so he doesn’t have to pay support) tells the kids I’m a pain in the ass.

My youngest son has had enough. Every visit is this coax and wait, is he going, isn’t he. Do I help? Do I not? If he doesn’t go, its days of hell with EX its all my fault, yada yada, If he does go, its days of hell because I have to hold him while he cries and watch him struggle with his emotions. It’s pretty said to hear your 8 year son say “I want to go back to seeing Dad at the visitation center. That was the only time he did what he was supposed to because somebody is watching him and he pretends to be good.”

The kid is just as God made him, discerning. He thinks about things logically and he figures people out pretty quick.  

Things have gotten a little creepy for me too. Drunk phone calls at 1am. pretend texts from his girlfriend saying that she thinks she’s standing in the way of us getting back together and being a happy family.
Yeh, this whole divorce and remarriage thing? Just for shits and giggles people. It’s all been a sad ploy to see how much we’re meant to be together.
Text messages from his phone that his ‘friend’ sent that says “I want you to get rid of Jereme or whoever and come back home, or I’ll come there. I’m your husband and I always will be.” (shiver)

I can’t even review everything that has happened in the last six months because I’d be writing forever. But, Its so horrific that I made yet another request of the Court and the hearing is on the 16th.

Mentally prepare for the drama to unfold when he gets served notice.

Here we go again.