A lot has changed.
Jer and I are have now been married over a year and are now in our new house. It’s beautiful. I love it. It’s our home. We talk about growing old in it and to be able to mentally put myself back in the shoes of growing old with somebody in and of itself is something. Wasn’t so long ago, I thought I would be doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. Not alone….obviously the kids would be there. I can’t imagine a life without them, but I mean taking the highs and lows without a partner to share the joy, the pain….all the bittersweet stuff that you want to turn to someone and just be able to look at them, remember it all without saying a word and know you’ve made it and that you’re going to make it.
I am now a college graduate. I earned my Bachelors in Legal Studies and walked in cap and gown and all that jazz. That was an amazing feat for me. I know, that other people have achieved more than a Bachelors. I know that other working mothers have earned their degrees. I commend them all. BUT, it was a monumental moment in my life. I’m not going to let anyone discount it. It means alot and I hope it says a lot about my perseverance and determination to more than just me. I couldn’t even begin to find the words of explaining how hard it was to keep that goal in focus at 2 o clock in the morning, while studying from a hospital room with The Pickle b.s. and especially in my last semester when I almost lost my father.
I almost lost my father. I type the words and tears come. But, the biggest lesson my father ever taught me was what got me through. Faith. A peace that passes all understanding. I knew that whatever happened, he was going to be ok and I was ok. Don’t get me wrong. There were moments when I lost it, when I thought how unfair it was that this was happening to our Dad, this good man. I asked the whys. And eventually the dark gave way to light, hope and believe it or not even more faith. My father survived in a 10% chance. God apparently doesn’t care for statistics. Boy, am I thankful for that.
After two years at a job that I tried to be thankful for, that I hoped would make me better professionally, I came to realize that it was a dead end and that it had made me into someone I didn’t like very much. Someone who began to resent when the kids needed me most because ultimately it meant that it would be held against me. The great working mom dilemna: more at work, less at home vs. more at home, less at work – feel guilty either way. Someone who would listen to bullshit and not call it. And the breaking point was a lack of respect and class so obvious, I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Yes, there were experiences I gained and people I hold dear from them, but the job….it was a hopeless situation that I couldn’t change and changing myself was not going to get me anywhere, professionally or otherwise. Not there, not anywhere. Perhaps status quo is good enough for some….perhaps settling and making it seem like more than it is, is enough….but, not for me. I left.
Once again, one door closed and another one opened. Not only did it come with more money and less hours….but as an added bonus, I’m now working for someone I always wanted to work for. An attorney who actually cares. (Yes, they do exist!) Not just that, but a real family man. A guy who gets it: There’s nothing more important than your family. And not just his family, but my family too. There’s nothing ingenuine about this man and he asks for my honest opinion…and by honest, I mean, even if we disagree, he respects that I said it and where it came from. A man whose family has an intense legacy that is not just impressive on paper, but admirable in an ethical way that you just don’t see anymore. Not only am I happier, I’m excited and inspired.
I once heard someone say that it’s funny that as we go forward day to day in life nothing seems to change, but when you look back everything is different. Everything is so different from how it was…how I thought it would be. Everything is so much better than any plan I could’ve designed myself. Sometimes I think it really is better just to let go. You can’t control everything and if you get too caught up in your plans for the future, you miss the present entirely.
What’s that saying? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans?
Ain’t that the truth!