Baby on the Brain

My whole life growing up the only thing I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. Maybe its because my Mom was so good at it and I greatly admired her, I have no idea. But when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say “A Mom.”

When I was 19 years old, I met my first husband. He was a single father. He wasn’t the greatest guy TO ME, but I loved to watch him with his son. His son’s mother was really nothing more than an egg donor. Now, there used to be a time when I held this against her. I hated her for abandoning him and just could not wrap my brain around the concept of not knowing where my child was or even if they were still alive.  I realize now that she simply, genuinely lacked the capacity to be a mother. But, never the less, there was a child with no mother and me, who wanted nothing more than to be one. I stepped in and filled the shoes. I adopted him and have treated him like my own ever since.  Not too long after I realized I was going to a permanent fixture in his life, I also found out that I more than likely had this endometriosis condition that COULD render me infertile. This was the diagnosis I couldn’t even fathom. Thinking that my first husband and I wanted the same things, I didn’t TRY to become pregnant, but I wasn’t preventing it either. And so I got pregnant, twice within 3 years. So, now I have two boys (12 and 8) and a little princess who is 5 years old. I love my kids. LOVE THEM. Nothing genuinely makes me happier than being able to take care of them and marvel at the people they are becoming. I loved being a stay at home Mom. It was the happiest I had ever been…..until, the bottom started to drop out of marriage. Then it wasn’t fun. Everything I did at home was criticized and when your whole life revolves around your family and your family falls apart….it really fells the walls around you are crumbling in…like life is ending….and in a way it did.

I have never been one to sit around and wait for things to happen, so I did what any mother who was facing single motherhoodoom would do. I enrolled back in college, pulled myself up by my bootstraps, got a job and haven’t looked back. In the midst of all this, I also met my current husband, a most amazing, generous man…my hero….and he’s stepped in as a role model to my children without hesitation. My life had truly been blessed. I am now 4 months away from graduating with my Bachelors in Legal Studies and I have a very good position at a law firm as a paralegal in which I am pretty successful. But, now at this point (and I’ve had a whole week off recovering from surgery to think about this) where I’ve done what I’ve needed to do, but I’m not so sure I’m doing what I want to do.

I’m just going to say it: I think I want to have another baby. Really, I want nothing more than to have a child with my husband. I want to make a home and be with my children. Sure, I like my job, I like helping people, it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something, but NOTHING makes me feel more accomplished than knowing I’m doing everything I can for my family. And now, after having this surgery and knowing it would be the best thing for me to do (having a baby forces your body to “clean everything out”) medically I’m just thinking about it more and more and more. It’s just very heavy on my heart. I actually didn’t even realize how bad I wanted to have a baby until a couple weeks ago when I was having lunch with my friend and she brought it up and I cried.

What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me? Is it crazy for me to drop my independent career woman thing that I’ve got going, after obtaining my Bachelors degree for domestic bliss? Or is life really about just following your heart???

3 thoughts on “Baby on the Brain

  1. i loved this post S. at this point in my life, i think everything is about following your heart and having adequate resources to pull you through the inevitable tough times it brings. there’s a cost to everything – including the convictions one takes in their lives. if it’s a baby you want, you’ve proven that you have the capacity to make it happen – not only that, but you did it with such grace that you can talk about it and advise others with similar issues. you did well for yourself and you’ve reached that point where few have reached – being truly happy with who you are =)

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