I survived yesterday. The would’ve been 7 year anniversary.
It started out completely horrible. I tossed and turned Friday night. Thinking about everything that has happened in my life over the past year. Thinking of all the hurt and pain. I tried to cry quietly, but Jer didn’t buy that I had the “sniffles” and eventually, I caved and just let him take care of me. He listened to every painful, angry word or question that left my mouth. He wiped away my tears and held me in his arms. And when I apologized and told him this wasn’t fair to him, that he shouldn’t have to deal with it, he held me tighter and told me he was a part of me and so it would take part of him to make this right, to make it heal and to make it go away. He assured me that he was in this for the long haul and that instead of being the one who let me fall, he’d always be the one to catch me.
My Mom called me Saturday morning to “check on me” and I about had an emotional breakdown. And then when my Dad called, “just to say I love you and tell you how proud I am of you” I lost it. I put on Saturday morning cartoons for the kids and went up to my room, curled up in a ball on my bed and sobbed. It struck me in that moment that even when he had laid in that very bed next to me, I had been completely alone and I wasn’t anymore. I had just about pulled myself together, got the kids ready to head out to pick up Jerm and thought I was ok, when I got in the car and heard, ” Who Knew” by Pink.
Here’s the problem with being a real fan of an artist. You buy the CD when it first comes out and you love every track. You find the tracks that haven’t yet been released, you relate to them fully and then a year later, when that track is released on radio airways, you can get set back 365 days in 30 seconds flat.
The past is a burden that I have to put down.
And so, yesterday…. on what would’ve been my 7 year wedding anniversary…. I made a vow to myself. A vow that I would never forget myself, ever again, no matter what.
And I’m moving on.