The light at the end of the tunnel?

The past couple weeks have been rough.

Jedi ended up with a concussion from his accident, I exchanged heated words with my ex- MIL, Jedi and Diva came down with bronchitis, I got some weird cold/bug, my drains in the basement starting backing up, my TV took a dump, etc, etc, etc…

Lets just focus on one thing: I have to vent about this ex-MIL thing.

She actually had the audacity to accuse me of keeping the kids away from El Chuba and her and told me what a horrible human being that made me. I. Am. HEATED.

First and foremost, it’s not true. He has supervised visits and he has refused to take them because he won’t “pay” to see his children. (i.e. he has to pay a social worker to be there with him) Nevermind that this was absolutely NOT what I wanted, but the only choice left with to protect the children, after he flat out refused to cooperate as Court ORDERED. This is a Court thing, not a ME thing.

THIS coming from a woman, who strategically kept ElChuba’s biological father away from him 30 YEARS!!! Not for any good reason, except that she slept with one man and got pregnant while she was “on a break” from another man and then decided to leave the country with the other man, making ElChuba believe he was his father for years while he horrifically abused him and all the while, there was this other man, his REAL FATHER, who maybe, could have done better, but we’ll never know. (severe eyeroll) And this is also the woman who split up her current husband’s family when she had an affair with him, and they ran away together, leaving his ex-wife and own child high and dry while she got him to adopt her three boys, all by different fathers. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I also just recalled how she said once, about ElChuba’s ex-wife/Pickle’s egg donor: “She keeps telling people he is keeping her from Pickle, but I can tell you as a parent, there isn’t ANYTHING that could keep you from your child. you’d move heaven and Earth if you had to.”

Well, my how our opinions are so easily turned for convenience.

And the worst part, is that she doesn’t even see how all the shitty decisions she made play into the “man” ElChuba has become. Why he is so paranoid, why he doesn’t love himself, why he lies to get approval. It’s just sad.

So after all these realizations… I’ve finally reached the point where I genuinely don’t give a shit what she says or thinks.
Then, somehow, after pointing out all of the holes in her and ElChuba’s story, he finally came up with the money to have supervised visits with the kids. Isn’t it ironic? Doncha think?

He actually called the kids and played up his current martyr status, by saying, “I told you Daddy wouldn’t give up.” Then he got on the phone with me and told me how much he missed the kids and how unfair all of this has been TO HIM. And how he needs to see his kids to keep him grounded. Which I am sure is code for …I’m drinking like a fish and need to play up the victim role and use this situation as my excuse to drink more.

Unfair to him? What about the kids? If anyone is a victim in all this, it’s them! And if anyone’s a martyr, it’s me. But I don’t want to be a martyr and I don’t want my kids to be victims.

We’ll be survivors THANK YOU VERY MUCH and no matter what anybody else does or says, we’re all going to be just fine.This is what grown ups are supposed to do instead of pointing fingers. This is how you make things happen.

Case in point:
Jer got a promotion and a raise at work this week, I got a raise and a side business investment offer from my BIG boss who is VERY impressed with me. We got a new 42″ flat panel TV, I got the drains fixed in the basement for a bargain, and I finally got my ass out of that shitter of a car ElChuba left me with so he could get his Jeep and got back the car I really wanted……….
The 2007 Chevy Equinox, in my own name, no co-signer.

Maybe it’s a little vain, but really it feels good to have replaced the 42″ plasma he had to take with him with a better one, that Jer valued my opinion in picking out and to get out from under that car deal that I felt so screwed over about, all on my own, and into something better.


It feels really good.

Memorandum to God

I would never dream to question your ultimate plan for my life. Much to my surprise, even the darkest of days have always seemed to have had their purpose as things panned out. I know you’re never supposed to give me more than I can handle. However, I also know you are very busy and I thought just maybe you’ve been preoccupied with other things, such as the atrocities in the world that make my circumstance pale in comparison. So, I’ve composed this little memo to let you know that I’ve officially gotten all I can handle. I’m flattered you think so much of me, but really, I’m not this strong. I’m weak and tired. I need some sleep. I need some peace and serenity.



Jedi was in a car accident this morning.

He was on the mini-bus from daycare to school, when a truck swerved over into the lane and hit the bus, shattering the driver’s window and jolting the kids around. Thankfully, the kids were all ok. Just really shook up and some bumps and bruises. Thankfully, it happened right in front of the Fire Dept so, police, ambulance, fire trucks were on the scene ASAP and right around the corner from my work.

They released him to me at the scene and I took him to the ER to be checked out because he was complaining about his neck and back hurting and he has a bump and bruise on his left cheek where his face hit the window or wall of the bus.

Getting that phone call was the worst. My heart just sank into my stomach. I think what made it worse was that I had some kind of a premonition about this happening last week. Almost eveyday last week, I kept thinking about it and I’d tell myself I was being paranoid, he was safe, etc, etc… and then it happened.

Seeing his little tear soaked face step off the bus and being able to wrap my arms around his little body again, was the best feeling in the whole world. It was hard not to cry. I was just so thankful he was ok.

When I got him to my car, I just held his little face in my hands and kissed him all over, telling him that he was ok. And the amazing thing, was the peace my own child gave me in the moment. The first few things he said to me were… that he was scared and thought he was going to die, but that all he could think about was how happy he was yesterday with his family, and how Jesus would keep him safe. He said right after it happened he thanked Jesus for keeping him safe and that he knew his angel was with him.

As terrible of a thought it is to think that your child could be gone in a second, how comforting to know that’s what he thought about.

I feel so bad for him. It just seems like every safe thing he has known or loved in his life has been stripped away from him this past year. I know that might sound silly, but I just feel like nothing is safe anymore and it just hurts worse to hear my son vocalize things like that. And the worst part is, as a parent, is feeling there was nothing I could do to stop any of it. I can’t even describe what that feels like.