This morning while I was sitting with the kids, eating breakfast, my Pickle was in a peculiar mood. I could tell he was thinking about something. So when Jedi and Diva were finished eating breakfast, I asked him what was up.
And he says to me, “Well, my mind is always thinking bad about Daddy. He just gets on my nerves.”
When I asked him what he meant he said, “Well, I was thinking bout how he like always yells at me when I’m over there, but he’s nice on the phone. Like he’s pretending and it’s annoying. And ya know what else? He is always saying bad stuff about you even when I’ve told him to stop. And he says it’s because you talk about him all the time, but you don’t. And I tell him that and he just says Whatever. He never listens”
He starts to get teary eyed and I hug him….he pulls away and goes on.
“He doesn’t take good care of his family. Like, he says he gives you all his money, but money isn’t all you do to take care of your family. You have to really love them. Like you love us. Like Jer. Jer helps us with money but he does the other stuff too, ya know?. You can’t just tell it, you have to do it.”
Quite profound. I didn’t really know what to say, 1/3 of me wanted to defend ElChuba (old habits die hard) 1/3 of me wanted to defend myself but 1/3 of me also understood exactly where he was coming from. The only words I could find, were “I know how you feel, hun and I’m sorry it hurts you.”
Then out of nowhere he says all matter of factly:
“And you know what else I was thinking? I just know Daddy is gonna do the same thing to them, his girlfriend and her kids, that he did to you and us, just like he did before to me and my first Mom and brother”
I said “We’ll just have to hope that Daddy’s happy now and that he’ll figure it out by himself. He’s a grown up. It’s his problem, buddy. I don’t want you worrying about this stuff, please?”
And he shakes his head at me and says, “He’ll never be happy – you know that.” and he walked out of the room.
In one way, I felt vindicated. My son knows. He sees. Without me having uttered a negative word about him, he figured it out on his own. And how disturbing that here, this 11 year old boy of mine is worried and exercising some caution about Stankcy and her children – and Stankcy, a woman who is thirty-something – these children’s mother, is sailing blindly into a very destructive port. I kinda feel bad for her. I know, I know, I shouldn’t. But it’s just because it’s familiar, it’s because she’s doing exactly what I did, well… I didn’t sleep with someone else’s husband. She defends him, she doesn’t want to hear it, she knows him so well, not her ElChuba, he loves her, and when she finally has to face the reality of it all, that he was never the victim, that he lied over and over again, that he used her, that everyone who warned you was right, that the “lies” they told were the truth, when his wonderful, close knit family of his shows their true colors and turns their back because everything is now her fault, instead of mine, as it used to be the Eggdonor’s, and that beautiful facade that makes ElChuba who he is – burns in front of her eyes, it’s going to be a very painful thing. Sucks really. I swear sometimes, I don’t even know how he looks himself in the mirror. All the lies he’s told everyone, his friends, his family, his own mother, Stankcy, myself and the lowest of all, the kids. His whole life is a lie. And that’s nobody’s fault but his own.
I need to admit how set back and ashamed I was by my own words to Pickle, that we should hope he’s happy now. The way he looked at me when I said it and the words that followed made me realize – wow – how distorted life has become since ElChuba came into my life. When did all of us cross into this universe where the world revolved around him and his is the only happiness that matters? What about me? What about his children?
I guess we got our answer.
Obviously, in other ways, this conversation killed me. Because now I know that all the times I bit my tongue or walked into the other room or went to a different floor to hide my tears or hush my words, all the encouragement I’d given my kids regarding their relationship with their father, even when they had had enough and despite all the pain he caused our family, all the excuses I made for him, when he didn’t show up, they were wasted, because, in the end, all the kids will figure it out and they’ll hurt just like I did when I figured it out, which is everything I’ve been trying to avoid.
He’s right you know?
The bottom line is that : “You can’t just tell it – you have to do it. ” and a million words could not have ever covered what ElChuba really does and who he really is.
Quote of the day: “What you to do speaks so loudly, that I cannot hear what you say.”