So much to say, so little time

Well a lot has happened in the last two weeks…

Children Services has been out to interview my kids. They also went over and interviewed PlayDoh. The stories were consistent, the details of the games, the porno, the acts and there was even more. Jedi revealed a lot more when he talked to the lady from Children Services. So much more. Pickle admitted to things he most certainly shouldn’t have done. Jedi’s story is consistent with Pickle’s that PlayDoh started it. Aside from that, Pickle is cognitively disabled and very sheltered, a lot of the “acts” that were acted out, were things he’d have NO IDEA about.

Yes, I know his history makes him more statistically probable but, in 9 years that I’ve been with him, there was nothing. But we are going through a divorce, which is a potential trigger considering ElChuba and the Eggdonor were going through a divorce when he was victimized.

This is just beyond fucked up. Especially since I specifically made the point about this being a potential trigger for Pickle so fucking clear!

(deep breath)

Let me be very clear about something …  I’m not trying to persecute this other little boy. I want someone to pay attention to him. Something has happened to him. Little kids just don’t wake up one day with these ideas. They came from somewhere and the most unfortunate part of all of this is … the social worker told me, ElChuba and Stanksy were more frustrated at the annoyance and hassle of the situation, then they are concerned for any of the kids. Her words, not mine.

Visitations have been nixed for the short run. He can only have supervised visitations once a week with a social worker present and he must pay for them, which means – he’s probably not going to see them. They haven’t seen or talked to him in two weeks, and the weirdest thing about it is, they’ve been just fine with that. Not only have they not asked for him … they haven’t said a word about him. That to me, speaks VOLUMES about the level of his involvement in their lives.

They all are in counseling now, and I’ve made an appointment for a forensic interview for them at Children’s Hospital at the end of the month. I just cannot even go there in my head right now.

I hear everyone telling me that I’m doing, everything I can, but it doesn’t seem like enough. These are MY CHILDREN, something horrific happened to them. How am I not to blame? I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I told my attorney. I told Jer, I told my Mom and I know there was nothing I could do… I know that. I couldn’t have stopped visitations or I’d have been found in contempt. I tried talking to ElChuba and he ignored me. But GOD DAMNIT – why couldn’t I stop this? Why didn’t the years of me talking to Pickle, and years of counseling do anything to protect him from this happening again? From it happening to another child?

To say the least, the days after the interview have been hard. Hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to leave my children. Unexpected panic attacks, fits of rage, waves of sadness. It’s been overwhelming. I had to go to my doctor and get something for my nerves. I was given a couple days worth of Xanex and then switched over to something way less addictive. Addiction seems to run in my family so, I am very leery of drugs. They want to put me on a anti-depressant, but I just can’t. I’ve tried everything on the market over the years and it seems to work for awhile and then it just fades off. Aside from that, my problem isn’t so much depression as it is that my mind won’t stop racing. That my friends, is anxiety. So, now I have to see a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. I’m thrilled – really.

I resigned from my job. I had to miss a couple days of work in June because of going to court and because of things needed since this happened. Then I have three additional days this month, that I would need off to go to court and to take the kids to the appointments Children Services feels they need to have, not to mention the counseling appointments. When I went and asked for the additional days, he told me that while he understood my situation, he couldn’t give me the time off and I should probably resign. What choice did I have?

Because of this – we withdrew our application to adopt Puggles. Any extra money we thought we had will now go to paying bills and my attorney for all the extra work he’s had to do. This also means there won’t be extra money for traveling this summer, which is a bummer. I was really, REALLY looking forward to taking the kids to places without having that sick to my stomach worry of how ElChuba might drink or embarrass us. God knows I want nothing more than to get the hell out of here now. I’m hoping family might make it up here. God knows I need them. My parents, God bless them, are just awesomely supportive and helpful. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I cannot give enough credit to Jer. I can’t tell you how many nights he’s literally rocked me to sleep while I sobbed and then he turned around and got up at 5 am to go to work. He didn’t bat an eye when I told him I resigned, he told me we’d get by. He told me there was probably a reason for it and that what I was doing for the kids was more important than anything I’d do at work, or any paycheck that would provide anything else.

Aside from what he does for me, he’s been great with the kids. He helps me put them to bed at night and tells them their safe and we’re both here and he’s not going to let anything happen to them. When Jedi has been waking up in the middle of the night, Jer gets up with me and helps me get him back to bed, talking him down, showing him everything is ok. We’ve been doing a lot of stuff as a family, picnics at the park, water gun fights, watching movies together … and it makes a world of difference.

I know this is an all kinds of fucked up, far from fairy tale world I’ve gots going here, but Jer is definitely my knight in shining armor. He’s surely saved me … and my kids.

So, I’m hanging on.

We all are.         ~          Together.

7 thoughts on “So much to say, so little time

  1. Jerohmy’s a great guy S. I’m really glad you found him. I can definitely see how all this is affecting you and seeing a psychologist is a good idea. Just keep strong; your character is amazing to witness in light of this situation.

  2. Awwww. Likewise. I love you so much. And don’t worry about not being able to travel…I am coming to see you in the next couple of weeks. That is a promise
    Love always,
    Sex Yoda

  3. I’m so glad you have a strong support. Jerohmy is good for you, but I’m guessing that you’re even better for him. You two found each other, and little did you know it would be when you’d need him the most. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m so sorry your kids have to be put through this. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I will never understand the “everything happens for a reason” statement when it involves children in situations they should never ever have to be a part of.much love!

  4. I’d like to shove a broom stick up Chris’ ass without lube.  Seriously.  He’s suck a dumb mother f-er. 
    In all honesty, I hope he never gets to see those children again.  Yes, I know it hurts them.  But not NEARLY as much as it will hurt them in later years to be sexually abused, neglected, and basically treated like crap by their father.  I hope that in time they come to think of J as their father.  He’s a wonderful man, and I swear, if I ever meet you guys in person, I’m going to hug him and gush to him about how much I respect him, how much better you are because you have him in your life. 
    Steph?  I hate your ex husband.  And I don’t like the word hate.  But I feel for him nothing but contempt and pure hatred for the way that he is.  I hope he gets his soon.  I hope that we’re all witness, even if by internet only, of his downfall.  He’s a piece of garbage, and while I wouldn’t change your time with him if I had that power, I can’t wait to see him fall.

  5. I called but no answer…….Love you, hopefully I can come sometime, if not summer then fall………..hopefully sooner than later.  Your doing the right thing at least you caught this in time before it got any worse. 

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