I hate this 6/28/07

I had to take the day off work today. I’ve spent the whole day talking to counselors, social workers, police officiers and attorneys. There was an emergency order filled with the court to stop visitations. Well, not stopped, but they are to be supervised by a social worker at a Family Visitation Center, because while I don’t want the kids to not see their Dad and make any of this any harder than it already is, 1) his house is not an option anymore and; 2) I can’t trust him not to badger the kids, or tell them their lying or distort things for him.

I hate this. I hate all of it.

It just keeps getting better…and by better, I mean worse

The Pickle had counseling this afternoon. When his counselor talked to him about what happened last week with his brother and sister at ElChuba’s house (whole other story) something had come up about PlayDoh (obviously not his real name, but, Stankcy’s son) exposing himself.. Pickle not only told her about that, but also told her that PlayDoh asked him to “touch his privates“. She called me on my cell phone on my way home from work and relayed this information to me and told me she was going to call ElChuba and that she was going to call Child Protective Services. She advised me to do the same.   

When I got home, still in a state of shock, I talked to Jer. He decided we should sit down with the kids and talk to them about good secrets and bad secrets and good touching and bad touching while being very careful not to lead. I explained to them again that anything under their bathing suit is only for them, mommy or daddy or a doctor to see. I talked about how to keep themselves safe and how to go to a grown up. Sure as shit, Pickle starts talking. He said PlayDoh showed him his privates “like every time I see him.” Then Jedi  added on that PlayDoh always wants to play the girlfriend game. When I asked what the girlfriend game was, Pickle said “you know, like what boys do with girlfriends.” I asked him what he meant. Jedi said that Play told him to get on top of him, like a girlfriend. I asked them if Diva had ever played the girlfriend game. They both said no. I asked where she was when this happened and they said “In Em’s room, doing girl stuff like they always do.” I asked where  ElChuba was and Pickle said he and Stankcy were in the bedroom with the door locked.  I asked them to explain what happened again and it was explained exactly the same way. I asked him if he’d ever told ElChuba and he said “just the time on the phone, and he told me not to blame other people”. I asked why they hadn’t told me and Pickle said he was scared I would be mad at Daddy. I told him I wasn’t mad at Daddy, or them or even PlayDoh. I just wanted everyone to be safe and that it makes me sad to think they’re not safe. Pickle said he was sorry that had happened and that I was sad. I told him it wasn’t his fault and that we would figure out a plan to keep them safe. Then he said “I have one more secret I didn’t say”. Jedi said, “Yeh and he made us watch a naked movie”. I asked Pickle if he knew what he was talking about and he said, “A movie on TV, a girl was naked and you could see her boobs and belly and her you know, down there and she was dancing and the TV was fuzzy, like it wasn’t working“. Jer told him he knew what he was talking about. Pickle went on to say that PlayDoh kept turning it on and laughing and telling him to look. I asked him again where was Daddy? And he said, “I don’t know he’s always doing something with Stankcy.

Then Pickle said what I didn’t want to hear most of all, that all this stuff made him think about Robin (his half brother who sexually assaulted him when he was a toddler) and that made him sad. I gave him a hug and told him I would figure out what to do, not to worry  and that I wanted him, Jedi, Diva, and any other kids to be safe. I told them both that I loved them. I told them that I didn’t want them to keep secrets and that they could always come to me and talk to me about anything and their Dad too. I asked why he didn’t just tell his Dad and he threw his hands in the air and said, “cause he’s always yelling at me

I called Child Protective Services and relayed all this information to them. I asked if there was anything else I could do. They told me I needed to contact my attorney ASAP in order to have something done regarding visitations, because they couldn’t tell me to stop something in a court order and also said I could file a police report, but I would have to do it in the city ElChuba lived in, where this occurred. So, I called the police department and talked to Officer M.  After I explained all this to him, he was concerned. He decided to give both county Child Protective Services a call himself and didn’t really get any where. He called me back and told me he had even called my City Police to make them aware of the situation, because of concerns re: visitation.  Where that was concerned, he told me I shouldn’t let them go. He was pretty assertive about this and told me, I could tell my attorney and the judge, he said they shouldn’t go. He said in order to have an official report, he wanted me to come down to the station tomorrow during the day when a detective was available.

I did call ElChuba and tell him about all this. He just sat there. Seriously, I don’t know what’s worse; that this is happening, or that their father could give a shit that it’s happening. But, he told me he would talk to Stankcy and PlayDoh. He called me back about an hour later and was a completely different person. He had this self-righteous tone. He told me PlayDoh had a different story. He asked why an 11 year old wouldn’t come tell his father, if he didn’t do anything wrong. He told me that I needed to look at the whole picture and realize they were only saying this because they had gotten in trouble last week and were trying to blame someone else. This whole elaborate, very detailed story??? But it gets better, then he tried to say that he was more concerned about what was going on in my house, because it seems these problems didn’t start until Jer moved in. He actually asked if Jer has exposed himself to the kids or if they have seen us having sex. what. The. FUCK!?!

He said “two can play at this game” and told me he would be calling Child Protective Services with his concerns about what was going on here in order to keep his kids safe.

JESUS CHRIST!!!! THIS ISNT A FUCKING GAME

Now, on top of worrying about what has happened to the kids, I absolutely know he has no interest in protecting THEM and I have to go explain to Jer that my El Chupa is throwing around questions about him exposing himself to the kids.

Father’s Day

The last couple days have brought about a lot of issues in lieu of Father’s Day that have sent my heart in roller coaster mode.

It started on Thursday on my way into work when the kids and I heard a commercial on the radio about Father’s Day. The kids started asking me when it was. Then out of nowhere Pickle says, “Mom, I want to get Jer something for Father’s Day for being such a good friend to us. I know he’s not my Dad, but he takes good care of us.”  I told him that I thought that was a very nice thing to do. But I didn’t know how to handle it. On one hand, I like that he sees the good man that Jer is and appreciates it, but on another hand … it’s sad, that he was the first person he thought about on Father’s Day.

When I went to get my Dad’s card, Pickle picked out a card for Jer from the kids and I let Jedi pick one out for the El Chupa. This was a hard pill to swallow as well since he didn’t help the kids do anything for me for Mother’s Day. I regressed that notion since, I don’t want to sink to that level of animosity that won’t allow me to teach my children respect and appreciation of the other parent.

Last night, before I put the kids to bed, I got the cards out for the kids to sign. Pickle took a lot of pride in my Dad’s card and Jer’s, but then refused to sign his El Chuhpa’s When I told him not to be like that and reminded him of the things he HAS done for him, like camping and four-wheeling last weekend, he rolled his eyes, picked up the pen and wrote his name and then said, “He probably won’t even show up.” Ouch.

My parents came over so the kids could give their gifts to Papa since they weren’t going to be here today. When Pickle overheard my Mom talking about going to church and to lunch with my Dad tomorrow, he hugged my Mom in a sad, mopey way and told her he wanted to go with her and he didn’t want to go to El Chupa’s tomorrow. I told him again, that his Dad loved him and that it was Father’s Day and he needed to spend some time with him.

He was very mad at me this morning. Was in tears talking to me about not wanting to go today. I finally, just had to get stern with him and tell him, It’s Father’s Day, you’re going with your Dad, that’s it.  He loosened up a little bit when I told him they would probably be going out to his Nana’s house to visit with El Chupa’s Dad. Then he wasn’t here at 9am. When I told him he was running late. he again said, he probably won’t come. Despite me reminding him that he needed to get his Dad’s Father’s Day cards before he left, he just looked at me and walked out the door. Jedi and Diva got the stuff and took it out to him and I sat here on the couch crying. All of this really sucked.

I was already upset that EX waited until 8:36 this morning to tell me he wouldn’t be here until 10:30. I had plans to go to church with my Dad today and church starts at 10:30 and is a half hour away. It’s hard to encourage your child to be positive about a situation you already have your own feelings about. Then, as I’m sitting here trying to rush and do schoolwork so I can go have lunch with my Dad AFTER church, I get a text message from him saying he’ll be bringing the kids home at 3pm. Wtf? He hasn’t seen his kids in a week, it’s Father’s Day, a day about a man who has children, and he doesn’t want his time? His scheduled visitation was from 9am- 7pm. This means that I will now have to rush along my plans, changing them once again, because he can’t do what he’s supposed to. I try telling him I have plans and he texts me and says, then I will have to pick them up. This would be an exception to the restraining order, so I won’t agree. then he sends me a text telling me can’t drop them off here at 7 because he has to pick up HER kids. Whoooooooaaaa. No. SHE needs to pick up HER kids. They don’t need to hold each others hands to be parents. And if she knew she had to pick up her kids at a time that would interfere with his visitation why would she come with him, knowing he’ll have to give up his time?  He sees her kids more than he does his own! So, when I start explaining that I’ve now had to change my plans twice all because of HER schedule, he tells me it’s none of my business. When I point out that it’s like this for every visitation, there’s always some excuse, he starts telling me how I’M not working in the kids best interest. It’s all MY FAULT because I won’t drive them out there because I’m bitter and he gives me all this money in child support so I should do something with that money to help him., the economy’s fault because they can only afford to put gas in one car? (yet he has a company vehicle as well, and his company pays for all the gas he uses all week long)  He tells me that I don’t understand because I don’t have to do the driving, I just have to wait for him.  I’m sorry, but didn’t he know where his kids lived when he moved that far away? This would be like him moving to Illinois and expecting me to pay for plane tickets. And as far as child support goes, he gets 50% of his income for just himself, I get 50% of his income for 3 KIDS. And what about all the driving I do to doctor’s appointments, baseball practices and games, swimming lessons, school conferences? I’m always on time and him? He just never shows. But, you know, I know he has to work so I don’t make it this issue of him being a bad father, but yet everything I do, or don’t do is an issue of me being a bad mother.

It’s interesting because I remember in the past him being completely furious at his ex wife when she picked Pickle up late and dropped him off early. How irate he would be at her audacity for her to expect him to rearrange his life, or that her life didn’t revolve around her son, that spending time wasn’t the most important thing, complaining about how everything was always a bigger priority than him. The way his mother and his other family members would put her down and call her trash because of it. Ironic, isn’t it? That now he makes me out to be the bitch because I have those expectations of him for his children?

And the bullshit continued, after rushing through lunch with my Dad, he didn’t show up til after 3:30. The kids come running in telling me how Daddy got a dog and Pickle starts talking about how he’s crazy because he thought I would be mad that he got a dog for Father’s Day. Jedi telling me he wanted to bring it in for me to see it.  I called him and ask why he would tell the kids that? He says because it was what he thought. When I try to tell him I don’t care, it’s cool, whatever, we’re getting ready to get a dog, I get it, but that it’s a little baffling that he would take on the cost of raising a dog when he says he can’t afford to buy gas to see his kids. Does that seem strange to anyone but me? He starts telling me his finances are none of my business. Yet I have to wonder when he’s telling my kids I have all of his money and they’re asking me questions like, why can Daddy buy Stankcy a ring but he can’t buy gas to come see us. These are THEIR questions. Then he accuses me of feeding this. Do you know how insulting that is when I’m CONSTANTLY trying to put my own feelings aside and trying to encourage the kids relationship with him? I don’t think anyone can appreciate the fresh hell that is.

(sigh) Really, I ‘m not sure what to do about any of this, that I’m not already doing.

What I do know, is that I will be forever grateful to my father for being a man who has shown up and been an awesome father figure not only to me, but to my children as well, and for a man, like Jer, who steps in and not only fills shoes that aren’t his to fill without excuses, but doesn’t bat an eye or expect any special recognition in return.

I’ll thank God for those men … everyday.

There are somethings I’ll never get used to

Sitting in a waiting room as far away from possible from the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life without exchanging eye contact or words, while he sits next to the woman who so quickly occupied the space in his heart where I was promised to be forever.  The man, who asked me to marry him, who swore to honor and cherish me – til death do us part, who held my hand while I gave birth to our children….

It’s hard to take when thought of like that.

However, this is also the man who took me for granted, never honor or cherished me as a wife, used me and abused me for all it was worth and grabbed me by the throat while he was drunk while our children were earshot away.

Not so heartwrenching where all that comes to play.

I woke up early this morning. Laid in bed staring at the ceiling and just asking God for some strength and discernment in this current turmoil. Got up to go to the bathroom and got a little freaked out to hear footsteps coming up the stairs. But, I was greeted by a warm smile, a kiss on the forehead, a toasted bagel and fresh coffee. When I asked Jer what he was doing home he says he had planned to take today off and cleared it with his boss weeks ago, for support. We let the kids sleep in while we talked. It was tremondously helpful to have him there. We took the kids to daycare together. We ran errands together and then chilled for awhile. He was going to go to court with me, but I thought it better to go with my Dad as all of these changes are hard for everybody and I didn’t want to add to it. I figure these things are between ex and I and the ex knows my Dad and he knows he’s fair, levelheaded and unbiased.

El Chupa Douchebag showed up with his girlfriend. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but you think if someone really had their kids best interest at heart and was looking for a solution in that regard that they wouldn’t bring someone to court with them whom they have told you is extremely jealous of you and your chidlren. Someone who got pissed at him for visiting our child in the ER because I was there. Doesn’t really promote an open dialogue. But really, what else did I expect? Of course she had to be there. She can’t let him do anything alone. In my opinion, that’s not love, that’s codependence and ownership, but what do I know.  She is his keeper and apperhently it works for them.

It’s slightly humorous since he used to always be so paranoid and make accusations about me trying to control everything. Who knows, maybe he doesn’t even see how he’s been manipulated. How she’s molded him and his life and his relationships with those he loves into exactly what she was comfortable with. Not my problem.

Here’s some free advice to everyone: If you are trying to do something that you think is in the best interest of your children and it involves telling a bold faced lie about the other parent – it is not in your child’s best interest. That mentality is just selfish and self-serving. But at least I know what I’m dealing with. He’ll say anything and do anything with out regard for what it does to me, or more importantly, the children. This is all about him. Which makes all the things I have motioned the court for concerning the kids, that much more validated.

The day ended on high notes though:

When I left, I got to go pick up the kids. They all ran up to me, yelling … “MOMMY!” Hugs and kisses galore. When I arrived back at the house, I received the most beautiful bouquet of flowers along with a moment of complete peace while the man I loved held me in his arms.

And that, my friends, is what makes it all worthwhile.

Class of 2015?!?

Today was Pickle’s grade school graduation. That made me feel old.

As if that wasn’t enough, the school gave all the kids these lovely t-shirts to wear that said CLASS OF 2015.  I can’t believe that! In 2015, he’ll be graduating from high school? That’s only 8 years away – which means the teenage years are right around the corner. How did that happen? That’s less time than has passed since he came into my life, and that has flown by. wow.

Actually, I don’t feel old, it’s just a strange thing to remember graduating grade school yourself and then to watch your own child do it. Very stange.

Anyways, CONGRATS!!!! I’m one very proud, Mom.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me 6/5/07

You’ll never believe what El Chupa Douchebag is pulling out of his ass for court next Monday.

Apparently, I have MUNCHHAUSEN SYNDROME.

The back story is that Jedi was being tested for ADHD for quite some time by the school. After months of grappling over it, I was finally given substantial evidence that he does indeed need some help in this department and took my doctor’s advice about him taking medication. He’s not happy, I guess because he’s not in control and he’s trying to make it about him – not Jedi, so …  what did he do? He called and DEMANDED to speak to Jedi’s doctor (who is in the same practice as my doctor, who I see occasionally when my doctor is booked) and told the office triage nurse that I’m being checked for Munchhausen syndrome, I assume to discredit my ability to make decisions for my son.

Nice.

If you don’t know what it is, look it up and have a laugh on me.

I mean c’mon – if he realy believed that where the hell was he for all their doctor’s appointments? Could he be trying to say I made up Pickle’s seizures too? When there are MULTIPLE, HIGHLY ACTIVE, EEGs showing seizures once per second?

Can you say : DESPERATION ?

(severe eyeroll)

Also, he refused to pick the kids up at daycare tonight. Said he would be where he is supposed to be at the time he is supposed to be there, because the restraining order doesn’t say that he can pick them up there, only here. So after trying for 20 minutes to explain to him that it only says he can pick them up here, because this is where I live and it’s an exception to him not being allowed to be around ME. I find this amusing since he’s been trying to get me to meet him halfway somewhere, because he can’t afford the gas. And the daycare is CLOSER to him and it’s 3rd party involvement so that he doesn’t have to deal with me.

The man makes no sense.

(heavy sigh)

Things are going well

New job is going well. I have impressed my boss already. He is from the metro D.C. area just like me so he’s taken to calling me “D.C.” Hey- I have no problem letting him call me that, he’s my boss and he’s pretty cool. I’ve made a couple new friends. I actually made friends with one of the lawyer chics, which is always good. She says I treat her like a regular girl and she likes that. She said everyone else is usually scared to talk to her. She’s really quite funny.

Kids are enjoying daycare – ALOT. They are really excited to go in the morning and are happy as can be about school ending Friday and getting to spend the summer there. They get to go swimming and on field trips.

Love life – spectacular! Still going strong. I love waking up to him in the morning, coming home to him at the end of a long day of work and going to bed with him everynight. He is sooooooooooo good to me. I’m convinced he is my karmaic jackpot, my reward for every shit thing that has happened to me in love before. Truly, I could not ask for more. The man is an absolute gem to me and my children. They love him so much too.

Things are going well and that’s been a long time coming.