Life can be understood backwards, but must be lived forward

It started Sunday.
Jedi came into my room and asked me if it was ok with me if Stankcy was his step-mom. I told him that she would be his step-mom if/when they got married. He said he knew that but he just wanted to know if it was ok with me. I told him that I didn’t want him to worry about me and that we would just have to wait and see what happens. Diva happens to overhear the conversation and came in and told me that Daddy was getting married and that Daddy loved her. Despite what I wanted to say, I bit my tongue and just said good for them and tucked her back in bed. Of course Pickle overheard all of this as well, because I could hear him telling Jedi in the other room that Daddy said he wasn’t supposed to say anything to me about it. Nice. I shook my head realizing that my Ex had purposely set me up for this.

So I went to Pickle and told him it was ok, that I wanted them to be able to talk to me about anything and I told him that I didn’t think Dad should be telling him not to tell me things because we don’t keep secrets. As I was getting ready to walk out of the room, Pickle says, “Mom, can I ask you a question about something?” and I told him he could. So he asked “How come Daddy says he doesn’t have any money because you take it all and he can’t pay for gas to come see us, but he had money to buy Miss Stankcy a ring? That doesn’t make any sense.” (Obviously my kids don’t call her that. That’s something fun I keep just for myself, I promise.) I asked him if his Dad had bought her a ring and he said “not a wedding ring but a, uh, what’s it called, enfrement ring” Again, despite wanting to say a lot of things all I said was “I don’t know, but that’s a good question, buddy.”

This made Jedi chime in again, that Daddy and Stankcy were going to get married and that she would be his step mom and that her kids would be his stepbrother and sisters.As you can imagine, it’s a little hard to take. I’m human, and it’s not so easy to accept. It’s been hard enough to bite my tongue and encourage their respect of her in their father’s life since she was his chick on the side in our marriage, which they don’t know or understand. I don’t dislike her just because he’s with her, it’s because of the things he has told me about her. (snort) Guess I should consider the source, though. For all I know she’s normal.But, that’s neither here nor there.

What concerns me where my children are concerned as that  it doesn’t make sense. It only further raises my concerns about his mental health, because the things he has shared with me (about her, about their relationship and how she is as a mother) were not good. It’s also concerning because I know that their relationship only works when he is at odds with me, which leaves little to no hope of there EVER being any healthy communication between us where our children our concerned, because she will never allow it.

Then today, Pickle had a doctor’s appointment with his neurologist. I told EX about a week ago. He calls me to tell me he’s not getting the kids tonight (again, because he can’t afford gas) and when I ask him if he has anything he wants me to ask/tell the doctor, he gets all pissy with me and tells me he doesn’t want any changes made to the medications without his permission. I wasn’t planning on making any but IM NOT A DOCTOR. I ask him what he’s talking about and he starts saying he didn’t know about the appointment, which I told him about a week ago, then started talking about an appointment I have for Jedi tomorrow with our family doctor to review the school psychologists tests for ADHD, starts telling me Jedi needs behavior modifications at home, that I need to make changes, not put him on a pill when I’m giving them biased information.

Ok…first of all…. I’m not one who has EVER jumped right on the medication bandwagon. This process with Jedi has been long and drawn out. I don’t want him diagnosed with something he doesn’t have or on any medication he doesn’t need, but after this much research and time, all of which he didn’t partcipate in even when given ample notification, I WILL be doing what a doctor recommends.
Second, where the hell has he been? He has all these doctors phone numbers and knows where their offices are located. Seriously he’s probably been to each of the kids doctor once. Who the hell does he think he is? Third… I need to make changes, behavior modifications? WTF is that? This from a man, who thinks it’s not ill-affecting to his children to not show up after he tells him he will, to not do shit with them when he has visitations and to bad-mouth their mother in front of them? And he wonders why they don’t respect him or listen to him – Puh-lease. And most of the things he has problems with the kids about, I don’t. When I tell him this he thinks I’m saying he’s a bad father. This is of course an excuse to blame me, instead of making any changes. Again, everything is about him.
Lastly, this is the same man who told Pickle’s neurologists he wanted him to be taken off all of his medications. HE HAS EPILEPSY. There are ample EEGs, you know scientific test stuff, to prove this and he thinks again, that he doesn’t need medicine, just behavioral modifications.

I’ve been asking myself a lot lately what’s happened to him. How can he be so selfish? How can he be so cold? How can he not see how horribly he’s hurting his children? And after everything I did for him, I have to wonder – how can he be this way to me? And then something happened today that made me realize that he’s probably always been that way and that the truth is that he’s just an opportunist, looking for the next best thing for him and stepping on whoever and whatever he has to, to get there. Looking back I see it so clearly now.

When I met him, he saw me as a step up, someone who  loved kids and would take on Pickle and relieve him of his duties and improve his life. The more he suffered consequences for his actions from his ex, the more I ran in circles on glass trying to find ways to fix it, and the better I got at it, the better he looked. He looked like the loving, concerned father, because I was always whispering in his ear that things were wrong and that his son needed him. If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t even know where his son is right now. Just like his step-son in his first marriage. Oh, yeh – he raised him since he was a baby, but when they split and his ex said he couldn’t see him, everyone pitied him. He was the poor, nice guy who had been taken advantage of. But he didn’t even fight. Why? I used to think it was because she was such a bitch, but now thinking about me and Pickle…even if I hadn’t adopted him, there’d be no way in hell he could keep me away from him. I was thinking about how he used to keep visitations with Pickle and wondering why he doesn’t do it now and then I realized that I was usually driving my car, with my gas… and how good it made him looked. The benefits outweighed the nuisance of having his son there.  And let’s not forget built in babysitting and how many times I was with Pickle while he was out getting wasted. And I made the excuses for him. He’d been through so much, his ex was so horrible. I helped him move on to better jobs, better money, bigger house, bigger yard – all the things he wanted.

And now look – here we are again. Now Stankcy is cooing and coddling him because I’m so horrible and I’ve put him through so much. And she pities him and takes on the financial burden to keep a roof over his head because he has to pay me so much in child support, brushing aside the fact that what really eats up his money is his huge car payment and credit card debt because he is an irresponsible spender who is never satisfied. Again, he’s moved on to a bigger house, bigger yard, and now the complete package, he’ll finally get the wife who’s a nurse so that they can live off her money and he can start his own contracting business, work his own hours, not answer to anybody and use that money for spending, vacations, etc, etc…

And his whole family… It’s a little disheartening to know they were all hanging out with his family this weekend. Thinking about how his Mom used to thank me all the time for everything I did for her son and Pickle, what a good mother I was. How soon we forget and lose loyalty. And I don’t mean loyalty to me, I mean standing up for the kids. These people just drop off the face of the Earth, but care just enough to talk shit about you. Just bring in the next one, bad mouth the last. Rinse hands and repeat. Never mind that he was horribly abusive and is on the verge of abandoning his children. I’m sure that will be my fault too.It’s amazing how people can make entire lives out of nothing more than excuses and lies.

Quote of the day: “When someone shows you who they are – believe them”

5 thoughts on “Life can be understood backwards, but must be lived forward

  1. I think it’s starting to be a huge trend making entire lives out of excuses. i’m sorry that you have to go through this – but i’m inspired by the amount of strength you have to still make your children foster acknowledgement of their father. i’m not going to say “respect” because i personally don’t think your ex deserves that much. I’m saddened for him – I really am (I feel like he’s lost his way completely); but i’m happy that you are setting an example of civility for the children.  

  2. I am always skeptical of my girlfriends who claim their husbands suddenly turned bad after marriage. I think there were always signs, but they didn’t chose to acknowledge them. It sounds like you are naturally a take-charge person, and at first, the relationhip with your ex-husband was one with which you were comfortable with.

  3. i’ve heard that quote. why can’t i live by it! and seriously, could our lives BE anymore alike. i feel for you girl. really. does this get any easier? i think not, but hey. at least we’ve got eachother and the rest of the world. no one, i mean NO ONE is feeling for our ex’s. (except maybe their f-ing families!) ((((((HUGS))))))

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