Well, I’m feeling much better than I did yesterday. Weather is the same, but I am not. I’m actually in a pretty good mood despite some minor distraction with the EX
I don’t know what I’m going to do. The man has been calling me everyday to tell me all about his problems with his girlfriend, how he feels, how frustrated he is, how insecure he is, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
There is this part of me that just wants to tell him to go suck eggs, choke himself and die. But, I can’t. Damn you, heart!!!
When I’m talking to him and giving him advice, it doesn’t phase me but, later I start wondering what the hell the point was in going through all this heartache, and putting our kids through all these changes, for us to be happy – if we’re not going to be. I also wonder why it is that after he has made me out to be such a horrible person to everyone in his family and all his friends, how I end up being the one he trusts to go to with this. I wonder if he’ll ever give me any credit for it. Will he tell anyone I’ve really been there for him?
I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter. I try to tell myself I need not worry myself with what he does and that it’s really about me being able to look myself in the mirror, about doing the right thing and being a good person. But, I am also tired of getting the shitty end of the deal form everyone. What happens when everything is fine and dandy with them and he feels the need to really abide by her rules of him not talking to me? Will he just drop our “friendship” and run off with his tail between his legs? Or will he stand up for me?
If history is any indication – I guess I already know the answer.
God, I really wish there was somebody else in his life that would tell him what a hypocritical douchebag he is and point out that he is, as he always has, using me and taking me for granted and how unfair it is.
What to do? What to do?
Well, I’ve been put in my place again. When I went to drop the kids off tonight, I was feeling really sick to my stomach and I called and asked him if I could use the bathroom when I got there (cause they live in the middle of nowhere, there is no place to stop and use the bathroom – at least not that I know of) and he tells me that it wouldn’t be a good idea. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how many times I’ve let him in the house to use the bathroom or tuck the kids in, or sat on the porch listening to him whine about how controlling his girlfriend is? No matter how Jer felt about EX, I would never deny him the common courtesy of using the bathroom if he had to go. NEVER.
At some point, I think between the time I made the phone call and the time I nearly puked all over myself and was sitting on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, I decided I was done. He is no friend of mine. He never respected me or cared for me as his wife, he isn’t going to do it as the mother of his children. Apperhently, whatever she says goes. And ,that’s that. I get it. I’m removing myself. I don’t even want to hear about it. He made his bed…now he can TRY to sleep in it.