Will it ever end?

This weekend, Jer and I started sorting through stuff in the basement and trying to get it cleaned up and organized. It’s nice to be sitting here at a grown-up desk, at a new computer, with all my work stuff organized and in it’s place. Very nice.

However, while digging through the basement – I came across some things that I had kept as keepsakes for the kids. Holding the outfits that I brought Jedi and Diva home from the hospital in swept me up in a flood of emotions I wasn’t prepared for. I found a file of stuff from EL Chupa’s first divorce and records I kept of all the horrible things the EggDonor put Pickle through. It stung a little, realizing how much work I did, to end up here. Somehow it just doesn’t seem right that after everything I’ve done that I should be treated with such disdain. Scratch that – it isn’t right – period. what should be happening is that El Chupa and I should be putting ourselves aside, we should be respecting each other as the other parent of our children, and showing our children that even though marriages ends, love can go on in a different way, by being friends with each other’s best interest and ultimately our children’s best interest at heart. But instead all I’m getting is down right ridiculous, immature and petty behavior.

Love is …

The way he tells me good-bye and I love you before he leaves for work every morning

Coffee waiting for me on the days he doesn’t work

He bought me a coffee pot with a timer so that IT will make me coffee when he can’t

A text message every morning when I wake up that says hope you slept well and have a great day

The way he kisses me on the forehead when I’m working hard at something and he doesn’t want to disturb me

The jokes we make about each other’s farts

Wrestling on the floor

Laughing hysterically at each other over the stupidest things

A card to let me know he cares on a bad day

The way he holds me when I cry

The way he lifts my chin up, looks into my eyes and says, “Babe, everything is gonna be ok” and then takes me in his arms

The way he does homework so patiently with my kids

IMs when we’re in the same room

Text messages from him while he’s at work

The way he plays with my hair when he talks to me about something he really wants me believe

His hand on my face when he kisses me

His hand on the small of my back when I walk through a door

Holding hands while we’re in the car

That he gets it

Sitting next to each other when we go out to eat instead of across the table

The way he bites his lip and makes a little moan when I do something sexy and he just can’t stand it

The way he already knows how I feel about things because he truly gets me

He takes me just as I am

The way he talks about things WAY far into the future, like, “when Diva gets married, I’m gonna tell her…” because he’s planning on being around.

The look in his eyes when he says, “I love you.”

He’s one sick puppy

El Chupa is just one sick puppy.

Get this?

After he skipped his first visitation on Tuesday this week and got on the phone with the kids and told them it was all my fault, I just came to the conclusion that I don’t want to speak to him anymore and he can send all his communications through text message or e-mail. I feel like that’s petty, but where the kids are concerned and just for my sanity I just don’t know what else to do.

 I sent him a text on Wednesday to let him know about a change in Pickle’s seizure medications. I sent him a text Thursday to let him know Jedi had bronchitis. Then another to ask him that if there was anything else he wanted out of the house that he needed to have it out by 7pm Saturday night, he would need to be accompanied by a police officer (per his own headtrip) and not wait til the last minute to make arrangements, he was to let me know by 7pm Friday what he wanted and when he would be here. I specifically asked for this 24 hour notice because I didn’t want the kids to be here when an officer showed up with their Dad. There is still some residual angst about police with them, because it was traumatic when their Dad was arrested in October.

What does he do? He calls me – yet again, and he cancels his visitation on Thursday with the kids due to “transportation issues” saying his girlfriend’s van is in the shop and that she’s using his Jeep so he can’t make it and since I won’t bring them out…. blah, blah, blah. Funny, how they’ve both ALWAYS been at the house by the time I drop the kids off. So, when I ask him about this and say it doesn’t make any sense why he can’t come get them…he says he doesn’t want to drive 40mins out here and 40 mins back to her house, spend an hour with them and then do it again.

Excuse me am I the only one with a brain who wonders why he has to have her hold his hand to visit with his kids? Why can’t he do something with them alone – without her and her three kids around? I’m sure the kids would REALLY like that. In fact, I know they would cause they complain he doesn’t do shit without her. Im highly suspect that this is HER issue. She doesn’t trust him. I guess that’s an unwanted side effect of having an affair with a married man. Anyways, then he tells me that HE doesn’t want me to call any of his numbers anymore and all MY communications can come through text or e-mail. It’s like he completely ignored me when I asked him to do it and now he’s telling me what to do? So I hung up promptly and I sent him a text, repeating exactly what I had said on the phone and then I took the kids to the art show/bookfair/ice cream social at their school (which I told him about over a month ago.)

When we got home, I had the kids call him to tell him goodnight. I could hear him yelling into the phone about me. I hear Pickle tell him that he didn’t want him to talk about me like that. When he didn’t stop, he came to me with the phone outstretched in his hand and looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I’m going to hang up on him, Mom” so I took the phone and said his name but he didn’t even hear me, because he was yelling so loud and he still thought Pickle was on the phone. So I said his name a little louder and told him he need to stop, to keep his conversations with the kids about them. He hung up and called back and I tried to tell him again, but he kept yelling, so when he called the third time I put him on speakerphone and told him I would just do his phone calls like this until he could control himself, because the kids didn’t need to hear it, he told me he would do the same to me, which I told him was fine and then I called the Diva to the phone, still on speakerphone, and he started in on her. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you tonight, but Mommy is being mean and..” She’s 4 years old. Despite my best efforts to stay cordial with this asshat, I’m getting really pissed. I send him a text while he’s still on speaker, telling him he needs to keep his convos with the kids about them and that if he can’t I’ll have to ask the court for their recommendation because we’re both too emotionally involved to be able to make them and letting the Court make them, is just stupid. I asked him to think of them, because they need him.

Friday I made some calls to try and find a mediator that maybe we could see to get some of these issues worked out. I called the court and tried to find out how to modify my protection order to include third party intervention with visitations (meaning I would drop them off at my parents and leave and he woudl pick the kids up there, just to avoid the lack of consistency in visits for the kids) so I can completely remove myself and still allow him to be an active part of their lives. Friday night….I get a call from the cops. Cop tells me my Ex had called them about harassing telecommunications I had sent him. I told the police officer that he had asked me to contact him through text or email and that I had only been trying to make arrangements for his belongings and informing him about our kids. He said EX told him that I use that as a front to talk to him about other things and that he’s worried because I hold the protective order over his head and threaten him with it, BUT from what I was telling him, it seemed like that’s EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING. Then he says, if I were you – I would just stick to the CPO tried and true and I guess that’s how it’s going to have to be. I just hate all of this.

When he called to talk to the kids that night I told him that I wasn’t going to put them on the phone after what he had done to them the night before and that I was in the process of trying to find a court mediator so that we could get this worked out so that he wouldn’t involve them and until then, I didn’t want him to call the house or contact me in anyway. I told him just to stick to the CPO like the police officer had said, so there weren’t any misunderstandings.

Then yesterday… (insert severe eyeroll)

Since I had not heard from him about anything he wanted, Jer and I spent the day cleaning out the basement and shed in the backyard.  I threw stuff away, put stuff up on freecycle and then at 6:15pm,  an uniformed officer approached me in my back yard while I was playing with the kids and tells me Ex was here to get his belongings and asked if he could go ahead. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I told him no and explained that I had told him to let me know what time he planned to be here and what he wanted 24 hours in advanced, because I didn’t want the kids here. I showed him the text messages so of course he goes to talk to him and comes back. He said EX told him the only things he wanted were in the back shed and if I would take the kids inside he would get them. I explained that I had cleaned everything out of the shed when I hadn’t heard from him. He asked if I would accept this visit as 24 hour notice and asked if he could come back tomorrow at the same time with another officer to get his things and he would find out what he wanted so I could get it ready and just have it in the driveway or something. After he talked to him, again, he came back and told me specifically that he wanted a sliding glass door and the truck boxes. This really annoyed me, because now I knew he was just being petty and aside from that, that he had gotten the kids all worked up about another officer being at the house, just to serve his own selfish, vindictive, immature ways. I explained that the sliding glass door was for the house and that he had agreed to let me sell the truck boxes because I had put them on my credit card. I went and got my divorce papers and showed that it said I would keep all belongings except for his TV, drum set and occupational tools, which he had already removed and that he was just doing this to be spiteful and I just felt really bad that their time was being wasted this way and feeling quite emotional because of the kids. After he saw the decree he told Ex he needed to leave and contact his attorney. I could hear him ranting from the backyard. The cop came back and told me I should contact my attorney as well and consult with him before I did anything else with any of his stuff. He really stressed that if EX should show back up without an officer that I should call the police immediately. I apologized to him and told him I was really sorry that his time had been wasted and that I thought it was horrible. I told him about trying to get in touch with a mediator so that these issues could be resolved and told him about wanting to change my CPO for third party involvement with visitations and he said that I should look into seeing if he could be required to attend anger management or something. I could only assume this was to mean, he thought he needed it.

He is such a self-absorbed, immature asshole!!!

Im beginning to doubt the El Chupa has any thought about anything other than himself. I’m so annoyed at the stress he’s putting on the kids, cause none of this has to be this way. 

Handwriting Analysis

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer’s attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space.  If the inputted data was correct Stephanie has left lots of white space on the left side of the paper. Stephanie fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion. If this is true, then Stephanie has  a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and Stephanie is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future.  Stephanie would like to leave the past behind and move on.

Stephanie is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, Stephanie changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. Stephanie feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last.

Stephanie has a need to be in control of her own life. She is a strong individual that can control situations to her advantage. This person can take control of a situation. She likes control and has the ability to control people without getting them offended.

Stephanie is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Stephanie is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth.  This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts.  She finds joy in anticipation and planning.  Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn’t necessarily mean things go as planned.  Stephanie basically feels good about herself.  She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success.  She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to.  However, she sets her goals using practicality– not too “out of reach”.  She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals.  A good esteem is one key to a happy life.  Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

In reference to Stephanie’s mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Stephanie slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Stephanie can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Stephanie has an over-awareness of self.  She fears ridicule, therefore she is careful not to place herself in a position to receive any ridicule. She wonders what people will think if she acts in a certain manner. When encountering a new group of people, Stephanie may stay on the sidelines until she has the people categorized, or figured out. She may behave in a “positive attention getting” manner to assure people think good thoughts about her from the start.

Stephanie will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don’t really want her opinion, don’t ask for it!

Stephanie will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Stephanie believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.

Stephanie is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. She is kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person’s shoes. Stephanie will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Stephanie an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too “far out.” She doesn’t sway too far one way or the other. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in a story. ,Stephanie is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Stephanie is a “middle-of-the-roader,” politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn’t relate to any far out ideas and usually won’t go to the extreme on any issue.

Stephanie has a desire for attention. People around Stephanie will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

I’m Moving On

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone


I spent a great deal of time yesterday putting things in place to move forward. Things were put away, thrown away, moved out of sight and out of mind, and even burned. That’s right – burned. Hey, I cannot tell you the healing power of putting items from your past up in flames. It’s over. It’s done and I’m moving on.

Just before I went to bed, I went into each of the kids’ rooms and kissed them good night. I laid in bed for a couple minutes and prayed. I just gave it all over to God and let go. When Jer came to bed, I heard Pickle call him into his room and ask for a favor, which Jer lovingly did. I cannot tell you what it does to me to see how good this man is, not only to me, but also to my children. I just listened and thought about what a legacy of love we have created, that we BOTH treat Pickle as our own without any hesitation. It hit me that even though I’ve been put through the fire and horrible heartache, I finally have all the things that I’ve wanted.

I am blessed and I am so grateful.

Because the kids are finally in a safe and in a healthy enviroment. I am safe, physically and emotionally. I am appreciated. I am respected. I am loved unconditionally, just as I am.

I’m standing my ground and my head is high. And ya know what?  I’m PROUD of myself. Truly, I am.

Whatever happened – it was worth it to end up here.

I just had the greatest sense of peace come over me and I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years.

Truth be told

“In the end it is not the words of our enemies we will remember, it is the silence of our friends.”

After spending 8 years of my life loving him, helping him, defending him, covering for him, lying for him and making excuses for him… I am done.

He has betrayed me, stabbed me in the back and thrown me in front of the bus for his own benefit for the last time. I was the only real friend he ever had. He knows it. I know it. And while it hurts badly to face the fact that he will never give me credit for any of that or being the only person in his life who has ever stood up for him and been there for him… I accept it. However – I am not going to tolerate it anymore. The beauty of divorce is I don’t have to.

How soon he forgets about how I left college to be with him when my parents made me choose, because I believed him when he said he wanted to build a life with me and he and his son needed me. Nevermind who supported him in getting custody of Pickle and that I was the one at home with Pickle while Daddy was out getting wasted. That I was the one who gave him money to help him go down to North Carolina to get Pickle back when the egg donor ran off with him only to have him take some skank with him and cheat on me in the process. And why didn’t I run then? Because of Pickle. Who was the one who attened all of his Pickle’s special education meetings, who has been the one to get him all the medical attention he needed?

Nevermind that he asked me to marry him and begged me to have his child so Pickle would “have a good Mommy and the family he deserves” only to turn around and tell everyone in his family that it was an accident and wasn’t planned. Nevermind that he didn’t say a word when his brother and mother accused me of trying to trap him. And hello? For what? Like it was some success to give up college and live with him in a trailer. Wow – good insight. Then for him to get drunk one night and spit in my face and hit me in the stomach and tell me that he didn’t give a fuck what happened to me or Jedi, that all he needed was Pickle and he had him now. Nevermind, that when he asked me a month later to forgive him and told me he had seen the light and that he wanted to build a family with me, I married him while he was unemployed and agreed to leave my job to be a stay-at-home Mom to Pickle and Jedi when he arrived.

Speaking of that – how soon he forgets how I stuck with him through all his job changes, firings and unemployment. One time because he falsified a government contract for a kick back and one time because he was drinking so heavily he couldn’t take his ass to work and got fired when I was 6 months pregnant with Diva. How that stress lead to preterm labor at 6 months and complete bed rest, which I never did, because I could never depend on him.

Oh and let’s not forget how when Pickle confessed the horrible things that had happened to him, I was the one who got him counseling, while Daddy drank and drank and drank to the point of passing out and making Pickle think he was dead – like that’s what he needed, or getting behind the wheel of his truck one night, while it was running in a closed garage and then passing out and me being the one who saved his life. Nevermind that it caused so much stress that I ended up with high blood pressure and toxemia and having to be induced a month early. Nevermind that that’s why our Jedi will suffer from asthma for the rest of his life. And what about me going out for the first time in two years by myself for some stress relief to come home and find him passed out, having left candles burning that were scorching the wall, while our children slept in the next room.

And the kicker? When I would finally have enough that I would go to someone in his family for help, he would lie and say that I was just being dramatic and his family supported him. I get unconditional love – I get that family should support one another, but when a grown man has children that he is putting in harm’s way -it’s time to stop enabling the man, and start standing up for the children. To all of you who washed your hands of me and the kids – I won’t soon forget. I have one word for you: KARMA.

Then, let’s not forget the final straws. El Chupa yelling at me for having him come home from work when my Mom went into A-Fib. SHE ALMOST DIED! and my friend, Crazie, was more compassionate, than my husband. Then, me passing out in a car right in front of him and him admitting to bringing me home and trying to get me up out of the car, and when he couldn’t wake me up, he continued on and drove to Wal-Mart to get speakers for his beloved Jeep and left me unconscious with three kids in the backseat, tonly for me to wake up, have no idea where I was and for him to offer no excuse and no apology. Yes, just one more example of his loving devotion and concern. Finally – The night he was drunk and walked around all night calling me a “stuck up bitch” in front of my children because I was asking him to turn his music down when I was trying to get them to bed for school the next day. When I asked him again to turn it down he came across the room at me and grabbed me by the throat, only to tell his Mom that he had only tried to hug me and had accidentally gotten his arm around my neck. Yeh – nevermind that when I got away from him and he saw how terrified I was that he laughed sadistically and threatened me about not calling the cops. Nevermind, that when I tried to call my Dad, he disconnected the phone and that because of that MY DAD CALLED THE COPS – not me. And after that, I seriously was supposed to not have him arrested? God only knows what would’ve happened.

Now this – him calling me the past three weeks, telling me how miserable he is with his girlfriend and that he needs therapy and me trying to be supportive, tracking down phone numbers for him to call for help, worrying myself sick….only to have him turn around and back stab me. When a problem arose with one of our kids and I went to him about, he let her run her mouth about me and influence him in the background and ran with it, instead of believing me or giving me the benefit of the doubt. And then to top this off, in case all of this wasn’t enough, he decides to screw me over on our taxes, tells me it wasn’t his fuckin problem and I could fuckin pay it, because he doesn’t live here? After I filed jointly to save his ass from having to pay a $6000 underpayment? Lost my Pell grant money for college because of it and this is the thanks I get? Enough is enough. At some point if you keep piling shit on someone’s shoulders, they’re gonna break. So, I say – you know what I’m done, I’m not helping you out anymore, your unpredictable and you’re an asshole, I tell him I’m not gonna drive the kids 40 mins away to drop them off for his visitations anymore, cause, well, like he said, it’s not my problem. After all, he knew where his kids were when he moved out there – how is it my responsibility now? Then after that – he has the AUDACITY to accuse me of using the kids of leverage.

Why am I writing all this?

I just thought it was about time the truth be told. Not the truth according to Stephanie, but the actual truth. Why would I make this up? It makes me look like a TOTAL DUMBASS! A pushover. A victim. And anybody who knows me, knows that’s the last thing I want to be. But, I am tired of hiding, and I’m tired of nobody knowing. I want somebody, anybody to know the truth. He knows it’s true. And the fact that he will only continue to deny it, says oodles about his character.

 To those who read this and choose to continue to enable him – just remember you’re as much to blame for what’s happened and what’s gonna happen. And really, I mean this from the bottom of my heart – you all deserve each other.  Know that he talks as much and as badly about ALL of you, friends and family, as he does me.  He is two-faced. Bottom line.

 t all hurts. Ya know, cause it’s one thing for him to lie to himself and not take responsibility, but it’s something different for him to continue lying to everyone else. Just to make shit up about someone and sell it like it’s gospel…ridiculous! It’s cruel and unusual punishment. And for what? For loving him? For being there for him? For trying to help? For raising his son from his previous marriage on my own? For giving and giving only to have him take and take?I ‘m just sick of it all. All of this is beyond not fair.  Fine- he doesn’t love me, maybe he never did. Hell, he doesn’t even have to like me. I sure as hell don’t want pity. But, at the VERY least I think I’m owed some appreciation and respect.  Or just leave me the hell alone. Please?

 I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had enough. So, from here on out, it’s about me and the kids. It’s not ever gonna be about him or what he needs or what his problem is, I’m done caring, because he never gave us a second thought. He is responsible for his relationship with them. I am done covering for him. I’m done making excuses for him. I’m done helping him in any aspect – ever! If you can’t understand that – I can’t help you, but…

 I’m just done.

 It’s taken a really long time, but I get it now. No matter what I do – good or bad…. I will be nothing more than someone for him to blame. That’s all our relationship and marriage amounts to. Sad, but true… and I’m ending it.

 No more.

More drama….

I am now being accused of using the kids for leverage. Which is rich, all things considered…

Back story:

El Chupa Douchebag calls maybe every other night to tell the kids good night before they go to bed, which is fine by me. But, I have asked him on more than several occasions to call around 7:45 because I put the kids to bed at 8pm. He doesn’t listen, he keeps calling between 8:30 and 9:00, sometimes as late as 10, because he says that’s about when they go to bed at his house.  I had started waited for him to call, but the kids just end up grumpy and unproductive which just isn’t fair to them. I asked him again to call before 8 and explained this. Sunday night, it just happened the kids were exhausted, Diva fell asleep at 7:30 on the couch and Jedi and Pickle fell asleep by 8.  During our argument yesterday he made some sarcastic comment about trying to call them and tell them good-night, as if to imply I wasn’t answering because we had been arguing Sunday night. I reminded him again that I put the kids to bed at 8pm and yes, they were asleep. Last night after our argument… he calls at 8:50, and of course we were all in bed, and the kids were asleep, so I didn’t answer. I don’t want to keep these arguments going and thats all that ever seems to happen. He kept calling the house phone and my cell phone in rotation. Then, finally, he leaves a message that says,

I am trying to call and tell my kids good night. I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use them as leverage. You always said you wouldn’t and I never thought you would, but you’ve done it several times now. Anyways, I’d like to tell the kids goodnight”

What the hell? Do you know how offensive that is to me? I’m using them as leverage, but yet I volunteer to drive them 40 mins away for his visitations? I inform him about every doctor’s appointment and school meeting weeks in advance so he can attend and I’m using them as leverage? When? Why? Because I’m not catering to him?

This is crap.

I’ve told him on numerous occasions to call at 7:45, he doesn’t. When they have still been awake, I have picked up, taken them the phone, handing it to each of them in bed, waiting for them to be done and then taking it to the next room, despite him not respecting my wishes and their schedule. I just can’t win with him.

It’s like some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy or something. It’s like he purposely ignores things so that he can play a victim and have an excuse for the way he acts.

FUCK YOU, El Chupa Douchebag!

Well, the shit…literally… has hit the fan.

Here’s what happened…

Wait, first, from here forward, EX will now be referred to as El Chupa Douchebag. It’s like the mythical beast, El Chupacabra,  when only shows up cloaked in darkness and devouring prey and douchebag is self-explanatory.


No, it’s not nice and yes, it’s immature, but it’s fitting and makes me feel better just saying it so I don’t really care. It also allows me to refer to him as Chupa around the kids without them being aware that I am talking about him.

Anyways,  the kids arrived home from visitation, not in the best way. They were dirty (smelt like smoke and cat poo), they were tired, they were hungry (they hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast and it was 6 o clock at night), they were all banged up (tip of Pcikle’s nose was skinned raw- his finger was cut and swollen, Jedi’s ankle was swollen and bruised) and they all had complaints about their weekend with El Chupa (they were bored, they just sat around, all El Chupa and his girlfriend, Stankcy (from here out) did was watch movies and drink and smoke).

I was not amused. First and foremost because there is a statement in our divorce papers that says we will not be under the influence of drugs or alcohol while the kids are in our care. It’s there for a reason. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, but he’s a bad guy when he drinks. I don’t want it to affect his relationship with his kids as it affected our marriage. It makes Pickle a basket of nerves and he acts out. But I decided, once again, to give him the benefit of the doubt and call him and try to get better details. After all, it is well known that kids can over exaggerate.

I put Diva in the tub and I called him and asked him when about they had eaten last and immediately he’s agitated. I could tell by the tone of his voice, he was with her and he was in a shitty mood. I cut it short and decided to change the subject, until he was alone and I could find him in a more productive way. I told him I forgot about our city taxes and I would do them tonight and that we probably owe money, I’d call him tomorrow and let him know.

Then I went to put Pickle in the shower and found his underwear covered in shit. Boys are gross, sometimes they leave more than skid marks, sometimes you get the whole tire, but… with Pickle’s history, knowing this is how he acts out and thinking about the stories I had just had relayed to me, this was more concerning to me. Aside from that, these were the same underwear I know he had on when he left Friday, so how long had they been like that?  I asked Pickle what had happened and he said he held it too long, cause someone else was in the restroom and when he was done there was no toilet paper. Ok. it happens, but I still wonder why can he be home for 20 mins and I can smell it, but they didn’t?

So I call El Chupa back and tell him and he is instantly pissed because I called him about shit. He’s totally missing the point of what I’m trying to ask which is what the hell has been going on over there and how much attention are these kids really being paid. He says he will call me back cause he is busy. And then he calls me back, on speakerphone, being all pretentious, with Stankcy adding in her two cents in the background. He is defensive. I tell him he doesn’t need to be, because I’m not blaming him – this is not about HIM. He goes on to say that the shit in Pickle’s underwear must have happened here, because why wouldn’t they have smelt it in his “little Jeep” – she adds in, when they were riding together “for over an hour” – she adds in. I ignore her and tell him, I’m not looking for blame, I’m just trying to let you know what’s going on with our kid. He insists it must have happened here. He talks down to me and is quite disrespectful, almost mocking – which I feel is for “her” benefit.  I tell him, he has no reason to talk to me like that. He starts telling me how annoyed he is with me and the drama I create.

Why can’t I even talk to him about something that is seriously concerning me, and even more, why isn’t he concerned? He keeps talking to me very disrespectfully and with her chiming in and thinking about how I’ve been the one helping him with his problems with her for the last three weeks, whenever she isn’t around, considering the things he told me about how frustrating it is to live with her and her kids because she has lower expectations of her children than we do, I start feeling really hurt and then I say …

Ya know what? You’re a piece of work. You’re fake. You’re two faced. You’re not gonna treat me one way when she’s not around and call me from work and act all buddy- buddy so you can tell me about all your problems with her and expect me to be a friend, and then turn around and treat me like shit in her presence when I’m trying to talk to you about our children.

Click. He hangs up before I can say anything else.

Not so surprisingly, this is the first day in about 3 weeks he hasn’t called me from work to talk about her. I assume this is because now they can be united – against me.

So, I still have this tax issue. I call him. I text him a couple times about the taxes to no avail. Finally, he calls me back and I ask him what he wants me to do. He says, “You’re gonna have to sign them and I don’t know what the fuck you want me to do about the payment cause I’m not driving out there for that shit tonight.”  I tell him, I can’t sign his name to them and how about he offer to pay half of it and we file an extension.  He starts getting condescending again and telling me I shouldn’t have waited so long to do this. I ask him when these taxes solely became my responsibility. He was the one who wanted to file together, so he wouldn’t have to payback an underpayment. I tell him they are just as much his responsibility.

He changes the subject…as he always does when you make a point, and he says…”I tried to call and talk to the kids last night and (heavy sarcasm) I’m sure you were all in bed, but I wanted to tell you, when I got back here last night, I found shit all over the toilet, so it looks like he held it, ran in, pulled down his pants, shit and didn’t wipe.” I tell him what Pickle had said about there not being any toilet paper. He tells me it was behind him on the back on the commode. I say, “So after everything you said to me yesterday, you’re saying now that it did happen there but you just didn’t know? I mean, how long had he been like that?” He starts flipping out, telling me he doesn’t have time for my fucking drama. I tell him there’s no need to talk to me like that. Ask him what his problem is. He hangs up on me. Jer is now getting pissed because he can hear him screaming at me over the phone all the way across the room and that I’m talking to him in a normal tone of voice telling him to calm down and he doesn’t need to act like this. Jer says, “This is ridiculous, you’re trying to talk to him about taxes and he’s accusing you of  creating drama and you’re standing here, right in front of me, doing nothing”.  I call back. He’s yelling that he’s not gonna deal with unnecessary drama. I tell him I didn’t do anything or say anything to him, I’m just trying to finish our taxes, he’s the one who keeps hanging up and screaming and he says…”See you create drama so much you can’t even recognize it.” I start laughing, he hangs up on me again. I call back and say, “This is my last phone call to you, I just want to know how you want to go about dealing with these city taxes, because I need your W2s, you need to sign them and we owe the city money.”

Get this?

He actually has the audacity to say. “Fuck you. You fuckin pay it! I don’t fucking live there anymore! It’s not my fuckin problem.

Come on! He lived here all of last year. Our federal taxes and state taxes he was in such a hurry to do TOGETHER, to cover his ass and get some money back, and now he’s doing this?

Well, from that perspective providing transportation and spending an hour of my time twice a week for HIS visitations is not my fuckin responsibility, I don’t live in fuckin North Royalton! It’s not my fuckin problem. Ya know?  You try to be fair. You try to be nice and help a guy have a relationship with his kids.

Well, fuck being fair and fuck being nice. If I had filed my taxes as single, like I was supposed to, he would’ve owed the government $6,000 in underpaid taxes. I thought that was messed up so we filed jointly and split the refund. Supposedly to pay off debt, like our attorney fees from our divorce. Which I paid and he didn’t. He was an asshole about the whole thing, he would call and scream at me to file them, before I had the paperowrk I needed to do it and when I would tell him that he would accuse me of trying to have something to hold over his head and creating drama. This is how I get treated when I was doing HIM a favor?  Because I did that, I created a big problem with my financial aid for college, I lost my Pell grant and now this with the city taxes and having to pay it on my own???

And when he told me his work schedule was making it hard for him to drive out here to pick up and drop off the kids, I offered to drive them one way. It’s not my responsibility. I’m not the one who moved 40 mins away. But I did it for the kids, to  try to keep the consistency of their visits. But why? He’s not taking care of them and he doesn’t appreciate it.

He’s an ungrateful, selfish asshole! So Fuck HIM!


I’m so over all of this. I’m done. I just want to move on with my life. I’m done dealing with him, all his bipolar horseshit and his assbackwards way of thinking. If he wants to make me out to be this horrible bitch, I could oblage, but truthfully…I’m scared of him. There is something wrong with him. He’s not stable. The things he does, don’t make sense and I’ve spent way too many years trying to m ake it better and trying to fix things for him. It’s not worth the effort for me to be a bitch and I don’t need to fuel his flame. So, instead, I’m just promising myself…to only do what I am required to do and nothing more. It doesn’t benefit anyone. I know this.

Love Song – For: Jer Bear

I’ve never written a love song
That didn’t end in tears
Maybe you’ll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears
I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin’ and more
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?
There’s so much I would give ya, baby
If I’d only let myself
There’s this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what’s the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I’d rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?
I need to hear that you’d die for me
Again and again and again
So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times
‘Cause I will love you for the rest of my life
This is my very first love song
That didn’t end in tears
I think you re-wrote my love song
For the rest of my years

I will love you for the rest of my life