I can’t sleep because things keep running through my head. Things I can’t shut off. Things I can’t understand.
1. How could he tell me for years that I tried to control him and change who he was and then he’s willing to stay with someone who tries to dictate the kind of relationship he is ALLOWED to have with his children and their mother? All I ever wanted was for him to be a father to them and a husband to me. The best that he could be, the best that I saw in him.
2. Why is he willing to turn his phone off to work things out with a woman he hardly knows, when he wouldn’t put his phone aside for a woman who gave all for him? Why wouldn’t he turn it off to make time to save his marriage or to save his family?
3. Why will he make excuses for her and the things she says and does to him all because she’s insecure and jealous when he could never give me the benefit of the doubt? I was insecure about what might happen if he drank – she’s insecure about what might happen if he talks to me. (This is why you shouldn’t have an affair in my opinion. Well, one reason.) She’s jealous of the time and attention he pays to me – I was jealous of the time and attention he gave everything but me.
What’s the difference? Really?
It just seems this effort and this concern would have been better spent on his family.
He doesn’t like women with short hair – she has short hair.
He doesn’t like women who smoke – she smokes.
He doesn’t like women who don’t cook – she doesn’t cook.
He has always hated cats, we could never have one, he was allergic – she has a cat and he takes an allergy pill.
He said he wanted to have a place big enough for the kids to have their own space when he left – they share their time with their Dad and their space with her three children.
He always said he wanted to live close to family – now he’s moved 40 mins away to move in with her.
He always resented being responsible for me and the kids – yet now he’s responsible for her and her kids.
Maybe it shouldn’t matter to me and maybe it shouldn’t hurt … but it does. It hurts badly.
It just doesn’t make sense at all.
I just don’t get it.