I’ve been having some problems with Jedi as of late so I made arrangements to spend the day alone with him and kinda figure out what’s been going on.
I know one of the problems is that he’s not getting enough sleep. He’s been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually night terrors is what the doctor has coined them. I’ll hear him in the middle of the night screaming and crying. I can’t wake him up immediately when this happens because it makes it worse. What I try to do is sit next to his bed and kinda coax him out of it. I start talking to him softly and just tell him he’s dreaming. he says he has bad dreams about stuff at his Dad’s girlfriend’s house. one of his bad dreams is about a man breaking into the house and killing his dad while he’s sleeping. That even creeped me out just hearing him say it. Another is about him playing a game under the covers and then he starts choking and he can’t breathe. I asked him if he had ever had a bad dream about me. He said that once he dreamt that I left him in the store and he was lost. I asked him if that had ever happened. he said no and I explained that dreams aren’t real, even if they feel real, and just because we dream something doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen.
I decided just the two of us would go to the library and we got some books to read together about being scared of the dark, bad dreams, what to do if you get lost, a book about feelings, and a book called “dinosaur divorce”. Afterwards, I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for lunch. He picked Burger King. As we sat eating lunch together, he got all teary eyed and told me that one of the things that hurts his feelings and that he worries about daddy, is that he thinks if his dad marries his girlfriend that he will be her kids’ daddy and not his and then he will only have a mom. I think i genuinely felt my heart break in that moment. I put him on my lap and held him while he cried and told him that daddy would always be his daddy no matter what and I would always be his mom. He said, just like I’ll be your son even when I’m grown up? Yep, just like that. Then he said, “but mommy why does daddy want to live with her and her kids if he didn’t want to live with us?” I told him that me and daddy didn’t get along anymore and that it wasn’t his fault, that me and daddy didn’t want to fight anymore, because it made everyone sad, and even though we don’t all live together as a family anymore, we’re still a family and daddy still loves him just as much as he did when he lived with us.
These conversations, this underlying angst that he’s feeling, is exactly why I held on as long as I did. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get divorced? This is what I’ve been afraid of, especially with Jedi. He picks up on things emotionally that most kids wouldn’t. He’s a very sensitive guy. Just like he’s brought up the fact that he has to sleep on the floor when he goes to daddy’s house and her kids sleep in a bed. Personally, yeh – I think that’s fucked up, but still I defend EX and say, well daddy is just moving in there and it’s gonna take awhile but, once he gets all moved in – you’ll have your own bed.
But really shouldn’t that have been the top priority? For the kids to feel comfortable and taken care of in the new situation their being exposed to? But then of course there are her kids, why should their lives and house and rooms be turned upside down so soon after their own family’s split? But are my kids less important? Who exactly is looking out for their best interest? I can see where Jedi might get this idea. It’s not so far-fetched or dramatic. but what the hell can i do about it? That’s what really sucks. I can’t protect my babies. I tried talking to EX about the bed situation before and he acted like I was making it up. It becomes about him and his ego. He just seems so oblivious to anybody else’s feelings. All he did was ask why they haven’t said anything to him about it. He started making excuses about how he’s trying to get set up. That’s so far beyond the point. The point is that your kids are having some feelings that are valid no matter what you think. but, just like I’ve told EX 100x … all I can do is make him aware and then ultimately it’s up to him what he does with the information.
After Jedi went to school, I decided to call Ex. I asked him if he had asked Pickle if it was ok for him to propose marriage. He laughed and said no. I explained what Pickle had told his counselor and then I told him about what Jedi has said to me. He says that Pickle had asked them if they were going to get married and when he asked him if he thought they should, Pickle said sure and then Jedi asked him if he married her if he would still be his dad and he told him yes, of course and that he would always be his dad. I was a bit relieved to hear that he had already comforted him on this, but still feeling really bad for my little guy. I went on to tell him that i hoped that if he got to the point that he was going to propose to her that he would at least tell me out of respect before I heard it from the kids or anybody else. Not that he needs my permission or opinion or that I would care one way or the other, but just so I’m prepared when my kids come at me with stuff like this.
All of this is so overwhleming to me, so I can only imagine what it feels like to the kids. If i’m honest… I’ll admit, I wonder the same things sometime. Why can he have the happy little family with her and her kids when he couldn’t with us? Why was it that he flat out resented having us to be responsible for and then he just takes it on again? I mean, really, it doesn’t make much sense.
It hurts. It hurts bad. And while I’ve never voiced any of this around my children, and I never will tell them how I really feel so that the hurt doesn’t trickle down on them and they can form their own opinions…I’m starting to see that the truth always comes out and kids are a lot smarter than we think.