Last night, just before bed, I was lounging on the couch watching an old episode of “Friends”. It was the one where Rachel tells Ross she’s pregnant and that he’s the father. At the end of the episode, they are at the OB/GYN office seeing the ultrasound of the baby together and Rachel can’t see the baby.
This, of course, got me reminiscing about when going for ultrasounds when I pregnant with Jedi and Diva. And just like that, I was a little set back. Moments like this come out of nowhere all the time. It’s strange to share such huge, life events with someone and then … to not. I wanted to be able to turn to him and share that happy memory.
This is why divorce sucks. Because even if you don’t love someone in that way anymore, you probably still have a great deal of love for your marriage. By that I mean the life you built together, the memories you shared together … the good ones anyways. And what do you do with that?
I have to say now, how incredibly blessed I am to have someone in my life who is gracious enough to allow me to cherish my memories, while not making it an issue of how much I love him. It was comforting to be able to turn to him and tell him how I felt and for him to give me a hug and say, “Awww, babe. I’m sorry.” Genuinely he understands the loss and the hurt and he allows me to process it. How horrible would it be to be with someone who was so insecure that they couldn’t even let you cherish your memories?
That’s another thing people don’t stop and consider enough when getting divorced. Sure, you know what you’re getting away from, but do you know what you’re getting into? Your whole life gets turned upside down. Nothing is ever the same. The legal process of divorce and the emotional process are two completely different things.
Having been through a divorce now and having hindsight, I want to offer a little advice for how to avoid it.
You do three things: 1)You love your spouse, 2) you love your marriage and; 3) you love your children. At some point or other, expect that there may be a time that you cannot love your spouse. In those times, love your marriage. Get out your pictures and think of all your memories. Love your memories, love the life you’ve built together. And if you can’t do either of those two, love your children, because as hard as divorce is on an adult, it’s even harder for a child to go through.
Of course this advice only works if both parties remember these three things and if they are at the top of their priority list. If the only thing that matters to you or your spouse is yourself and how you feel and what you want … sorry, you’re screwed. Sad, but true. If you cannot love and be concerned for another person more than yourself, you’re not ready to get married or be a parent. If you are involved with someone who cannot put you ahead of themselves. they are not ready to get married or have children. So don’t push the issue because if you do – you’ll end up divorced.
And trust me – divorce sucks.