Why do I never see it coming?

Yesterday was … interesting.

Teri (who is married to EX’s Uncle but whom I have become very close with and has been the only one in EX’s family who has supported me) called me yesterday afternoon and asked if she could come over and use my computer to do some research for work. In the midst of a conversation  while she was visiting, I started telling her about EX’s latest bug up his ass, wanting Pickle to come live with him. She thought this was a horrible idea from the get-go. Then I started to go into telling her about how he was moving in with his girlfriend and her three kids who live about 40 mins away. She says, “Oh I thought she lived nearby, no wonder he’s always looking for something to keep her up.”

I thought that was strange and of course, cannot leave well enough alone, so I ask. She gets this look on her face like she had said something that she shouldn’t have.

You know that “Oh shit, I don’t want to be in the middle of anything” look? But she goes on to tell me that EX has been trying to score his little lady friend cocaine from her husband, his Uncle.  Yeh, he called a couple weeks ago, asking if he had any because he was trying to find something to help keep her up, because she’s a nurse and works really weird shifts. So he says. It gets better. Then she tells me that his other Uncle also told her husband that he had tried to get some from him, but he wouldn’t give it to him because of what happened the last time.

I instinctively had this tingle all  over me and remembered EXACTLY when I had suspected this happened. It was when they moved into their house and EX was helping them move. It only stands out because he did act really, REALLY bizarre that day. I had even asked him what the hell was wrong with him and that he was acting nuts. Of course he denied doing anything but, I had always wondered. I asked Teri about it yesterday. She confirmed what I had suspected. She said that he had done a couple lines that day “to help keep going” while they were moving and after my argument with him, he had got even worse. She said that he had slammed his head into the wall and was banging all the cabinet doors in the kitchen with his fists. That he had tried to start a fight with his and that his Uncle’s friend almost laid him out on the floor because he was acting so nutso. When I think about how he was that night and I think about him being around my kids like that … (shutters).  I know EX, he isn’t scoring her anything that he isn’t gonna use himself, he’s too selfish and secondly, I have to wonder if it’s even true, I wonder if it’s just a cover for him because I have a really hard time believing that a nurse, who could lose her license for using drugs, would be doing it anyways. But to think that this girlfriend of his might be doing what he does right along with him … is just terrifying. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do. This is just a whole new steaming load of bullshit problems for me to worry about where the kids are concerned. I’m scared as hell about what might happen when they’re with him if this is in fact going on. I mean, I know the only reason he didn’t do it more when we were together was because I was totally against it. Dear God, What if they are both using? Where does that leave my kids and what can I even do about it?

Then, he decides to pick the kids up early on his way home from work for visitation yesterday. I talked to him earlier in the day about it, he says he’ll just pick them up early and bring them home early. That was fine, no problem, no issues. I tell him he will need to pick them up and drop them off because I have plans for the night. He’s fine with that too. He starts asking me what our paperwork says. I tell him I think it says something like 5-9pm because the standard visitation court order is 5:30-8:30 and we allowed an extra half hour for travel on each end. So when he shows up to pick up the kids I ask him what time he’ll be coming back so I can tell my Dad what time to meet him at the house. He starts huffing and puffing, being all self righteous. He asks me again about the paperwork and if I have it. I go inside, flip through my paperwork, can’t find the exact wording in it, but I find the standard visitation order and show it to him. He starts telling me I’m just trying to change it and go by whatever paperwork is more convenient to me. WHOA…wait a minute, all I asked was what time he was bringing them home. I never said he had to keep them for “x” amount of time or anything like that. I just asked what time, so my Dad could meet him here at the house. He’s making absolutely no sense.

I ask him, “What is your problem?

He says, “Nothing, I just asked you a simple question and you can’t give me a straight answer. You’re shady. You always do this

I can’t follow what’s going on at this point or what he is he talking about? I tell him I’ll go get the paperwork and he can look through it himself, because I was in a hurry to find it and I couldn’t. I go back in and get it, bring it out to him and he refuses to take it, saying he doesn’t need to look at it, because he has the same paperwork. Well then why the hell can’t he read it, why doesn’t he know what it says and what does it even matter, why can’t he just say I’ll be back at * o’ clock? Then he starts telling me that our paperwork says 5:30 to 9 and he doesn’t know why it says that when he wasn’t even getting off work until 5:30. I pointed out to him that he signed the paperwork, those were the times he agreed to, he went to court, he said that was our agreement, and at the time we went to court he was unemployed and still wasn’t making it by 5:30, what was his point? Then he starts saying that he agreed to it because he thought I would be helping more with transportation and that of course I didn’t include that in the paperwork.

Again, I tell him “You’re not a victim. If you wanted that in the paperwork we could’ve added it in, you were there, you signed the papers.

I went on to point out that I had provided transportation at the beginning until he started acting EXACTLY like this when I drop them off. Why should I do him any favors, when he’s just going to be an ass to me? Nevermind the fact that if he wants to go by PAPERWORK, there is a restraining order between us and it says he will pick them up and drop them off at the end of my driveway. And what does any of this matter anyways? ALL I ASKED WAS WHAT TIME HE WOULD BE DROPPING THEM OFF.  I mean, he already missed visitation with them Tuesday because of the weather, and here all he is concerned is the amount of time he “HAS” to have them?

It’s ridiculous. The man is not stable.

I’m so tired of dealing with this crap. I’m trying really hard to keep my lid on tight while I’m boiling inside because I’m dependent on him for finances right now. I have to depend on him to write me a check every week until child support starts taking it out directly and depositing it into my bank account. I have no choice but to follow the rules and allow the visitations, even after the child support starts coming directly out of his check, but I won’t have to take so much crap off him cause he’ll have nothing to hold over my head anymore. Actually, that’s not true either. It comes back to the kids and me trying to protect them, like always. Not wanting to upset him so that he drinks, so that he won’t be inappropriate in front of our kids.

I really dislike him. Loathe, might be a better word to describe how I feel actually. Yes, I loathe him.

I don’t want things to be like this, but I can’t keep doing this. I’m sick to death of simple little things being blown up into these dramatic affairs. I can’t figure out how I never see it coming. I feel like a fool. I feel like this is somehow all my fault, for letting him into my life, and for letting him be the father of my children. I did that. I know my Mom says that you should never feel foolish for loving someone even if they abuse it, but God…I feel so stupid. And now it seems there is no end in sight to the problems he will create in my and their lives. Divorce, was one step in the right direction to limit their exposure, I suppose. But if anything happens to them at his hands, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

To my readers who are not married and do not have children…

Be very careful who you choose as your partner and the father of your children.

3 thoughts on “Why do I never see it coming?

  1. do you have a lawyer? you probly don’t because they are so expensive and usually with family court you don’t need one….but there has to be something you can do to get chris drug tested. this is bullshit that he is using, especially coke. now i know you said you will never forgive yourself but you have got to prevent this. i also know that keeping the kids away from him would cause you undue stress because i am sure he would call the cops and make you give them to him. so….can you call domestics and see what can be done? and yes he could keep money from you but maybe your dad or jerohmy could help you out? i would hate to see him get in an accident with your babies in the car. if he is on drugs he could and should loose any type of visit with the kids or have supervised visits * that is how it is w/ my sd and her mom* and that would be a pain in the ass to supervise but in the long run it would save you from worrying about your kids so much. hopefully domestics can give you some info, surely they have something because lots of parents are on drugs and stuff and they should make him get help.

    good luck to you.

  2. If you suspect he’s using drugs with your kids around you need to have him tested… You know way more about laws than I do, but I hope there’s a way that you can make sure he’s in his right mind (if there’s such a thing!) when he is with the kiddos….
    You are one hell of a strong woman, but my god you’re being tested and pushed to your limits!  Keep it up…. Your kids will appreciate it and love you for it… they already do!

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