Wednesday Night FUN! (heavy sarcasm)

So, what does a midwest girl do for fun on Wednesday night?

Attend seminars educating about domestic violence awareness.   Guys, it’s work and school related,  but still hard to swallow. Actually. despite the fact that it’s horribly sadistic, I admit, that I actually cracked a good laugh at this:


1. “Why do you stay?

2. “Why don’t you just leave him?”

3. “If I come here again, I’m arresting him/someone/anybody!”

4. “It’s not my fault. You married him.”

5. “Why don’t you just kiss and make up?

6. “What did you do to make him mad?”

7. “Just go get a restraining order.”

8. “Call after I get off duty.”

9. “I don’t blame him. I would’ve hit you too.

10. “You should just get a gun.”

These are like those warnings that are on the side of your coffee cup from McDonald’s that say WARNING: HOT!   Is it really necessary to spell things like this out? Maybe I’m just naive to believe that anyone has kuth or common sense anymore. I just couldn’t believe the ignorance of the above list. Would an officer really contemplate saying those things, outside of say some backwoods, out in the boonies, hick town with a Sheriff nick-named Boss Hog?

All kidding aside, and to be really honest… it was very upsetting for a surprising reason. Some of the points made, some of the characteristics of abusers and victims pointed out….brought about some self-actualization that I wasn’t quite prepared for.




BATTERER: Poor impulse control    


VICTIM: May experience anxiety, depression and high levels of fear


BATTERER: Emotional dependent on mate


VICTIM: May be economically or emotionally dependent on mate


BATTERER: Dependency, high risk for alcohol/drugs


VICTIM: Denial, Isolation and Loneliness


BATTER: Very “NOW” oriented, requires immediate gratification  


VICTIM: May comply with mate’s demands as a strategy to avoid physical/emotional abuse


BATTERER: Low self-esteem


VICTIM: Low self-esteem


BATTERER: Makes promises to change


VICTIM: Believes in mate’s promises to change


BATTERER: Often insecure about relationships, can take form of jealousy and/or accusations


VICTIM:  May feel need to prove loyalty to mate


BATTERER: Places responsibility for his actions/problems on others


VICTIM: Often feels responsible for mate’s problems


BATTERER: Minimizes effects of his abuse of others


VICTIM:  May believe that acceptance of abuse will lead to long term resolution of family problems


BATTERER: Often demanding and/or forceful in sexual activities


VICTIM: Often has poor sexual self image;may comply with sexual demands to reduce abuse





a) Shows extreme jealousy and wants to keep the woman isolated.


b) Has an inability to cope with stress and showsa lack of impulse control. This may not necessarily appear outside the home.


c) Has a poor self image and blames others for problems.


d) Shows severe mood swings.


e) May have history of abuse in his own family and may have been abusive in courtship.


f) Accepts violence as a problem solving technique.


g) Presents a history of personal and/or family discord: unemployment,  abuse of alcohol or other substances, psychopathology, and unexplained behavior.



a) Shows guilt, ambivalence, and fear over living conditions.


b) Feels isolated and untrusting of others, though she may be very involved in the community.


c) Is emotionally and economically dependent.


d) Has a poor self-concept and has a lack of motivation in daily living skills.


e) Feels angry, embarrassed and ashamed.


f) Is fearful of being insane.


g) Has learned to feel helpless and feels powerless.


h) Has unexplained illnesses





Phase 1: Tension Building


Batterer may:

Pick fights; Act jealous and possessive; Criticize,threaten; Abuse alcohol and other drugs; Be moody,become unpredictable; Be “Crazy-making.”


Partner may: Feel like she’s walking on eggshells; Try to reason with the batterer; Try to calm batterer; Try to appease the batterer; Keep silent, try tokeep children quiet; Feel afraid or anxious.


Phase 2: Crisis


Batterer may use:

Verbal abuse; Emotional abuse; Mental Abuse Physical Abuse; Sexual assault; Increased control/obsession over money; Restraint of partner; Destruction of property; Sabotging partner; Character assault.

Partner may: Experience fear and shock; Protect self and children; Use self-defense; Call for help; Try to flee or leave; Pray for it to stop; Do what is necessary to survive


Phase 3: Calmer


Batterer may:

Ask for forgiveness; Promise it won’t happen again; Stop drinking and/or using other drugs for a period; Go to counseling; Be affectionate; Initiate intimacy; Minimize or deny abuse

Partner may: Forgive; Return home; Arrange for counseling; Feel hopeful; Feel manipulated; Blame self; Minimize or deny abuse.



 Is it just me or does any of this SOUND FAMILIAR???

4 thoughts on “Wednesday Night FUN! (heavy sarcasm)

  1. sounds so familiar and i am glad you got out when you did. i am working on getting out…i swear the time i talked to the cop last summer he said some of that stuff to me! 🙂 not cool i know.

    hugs. and i am glad again that you are out and happy!

  2. I see these patterns often.  Scary.  And once I was involved in a relationship with those patterns.  Thank God I wised up and got the hell out.  You too.  We’re the lucky ones.  The “he” didn’t break us down completely.  🙂

  3. But you realized what was going on and you tried to fix it – more than once or twice – and when you realized that it was a lost cause, you got out.  That is what makes you incredible and phenomenal and a good mom and a wonderful woman… well that and so much more!

  4. Hi!  Thank you for visited my site and subscribing.  I have to say “YES!” to your question.  Only because it’s a part of my past/present.  It’s a hard realization to grasp…

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