So, what does a midwest girl do for fun on Wednesday night?

Attend seminars educating about domestic violence awareness.   Guys, it’s work and school related,  but still hard to swallow. Actually. despite the fact that it’s horribly sadistic, I admit, that I actually cracked a good laugh at this:

THINGS AN OFFICER SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A VICTIM:

1. “Why do you stay?”

2. “Why don’t you just leave him?”

3. “If I come here again, I’m arresting him/someone/anybody!”

4. “It’s not my fault. You married him.”

5. “Why don’t you just kiss and make up?”

6. “What did you do to make him mad?”

7. “Just go get a restraining order.”

8. “Call after I get off duty.”

9. “I don’t blame him. I would’ve hit you too.”

10. “You should just get a gun.”

These are like those warnings that are on the side of your coffee cup from McDonald’s that say WARNING: HOT!   Is it really necessary to spell things like this out? Maybe I’m just naive to believe that anyone has kuth or common sense anymore. I just couldn’t believe the ignorance of the above list. Would an officer really contemplate saying those things, outside of say some backwoods, out in the boonies, hick town with a Sheriff nick-named Boss Hog?

All kidding aside, and to be really honest… it was very upsetting for a surprising reason. Some of the points made, some of the characteristics of abusers and victims pointed out….brought about some self-actualization that I wasn’t quite prepared for.

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BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

BATTERER: Poor impulse control    

 

VICTIM: May experience anxiety, depression and high levels of fear

 

BATTERER: Emotional dependent on mate

 

VICTIM: May be economically or emotionally dependent on mate

 

BATTERER: Dependency, high risk for alcohol/drugs

 

VICTIM: Denial, Isolation and Loneliness

 

BATTER: Very “NOW” oriented, requires immediate gratification  

 

VICTIM: May comply with mate’s demands as a strategy to avoid physical/emotional abuse

 

BATTERER: Low self-esteem

 

VICTIM: Low self-esteem

 

BATTERER: Makes promises to change

 

VICTIM: Believes in mate’s promises to change

 

BATTERER: Often insecure about relationships, can take form of jealousy and/or accusations

 

VICTIM:  May feel need to prove loyalty to mate

 

BATTERER: Places responsibility for his actions/problems on others

 

VICTIM: Often feels responsible for mate’s problems

 

BATTERER: Minimizes effects of his abuse of others

 

VICTIM:  May believe that acceptance of abuse will lead to long term resolution of family problems

 

BATTERER: Often demanding and/or forceful in sexual activities

 

VICTIM: Often has poor sexual self image;may comply with sexual demands to reduce abuse

 

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THE ABUSIVE MAN

a) Shows extreme jealousy and wants to keep the woman isolated.

 

b) Has an inability to cope with stress and showsa lack of impulse control. This may not necessarily appear outside the home.

 

c) Has a poor self image and blames others for problems.

 

d) Shows severe mood swings.

 

e) May have history of abuse in his own family and may have been abusive in courtship.

 

f) Accepts violence as a problem solving technique.

 

g) Presents a history of personal and/or family discord: unemployment,  abuse of alcohol or other substances, psychopathology, and unexplained behavior.

 

THE ABUSED WOMAN

a) Shows guilt, ambivalence, and fear over living conditions.

 

b) Feels isolated and untrusting of others, though she may be very involved in the community.

 

c) Is emotionally and economically dependent.

 

d) Has a poor self-concept and has a lack of motivation in daily living skills.

 

e) Feels angry, embarrassed and ashamed.

 

f) Is fearful of being insane.

 

g) Has learned to feel helpless and feels powerless.

 

h) Has unexplained illnesses

 

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THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

 

Phase 1: Tension Building

 

Batterer may:

Pick fights; Act jealous and possessive; Criticize,threaten; Abuse alcohol and other drugs; Be moody,become unpredictable; Be “Crazy-making.”

 

Partner may: Feel like she’s walking on eggshells; Try to reason with the batterer; Try to calm batterer; Try to appease the batterer; Keep silent, try tokeep children quiet; Feel afraid or anxious.

 

Phase 2: Crisis

 

Batterer may use:

Verbal abuse; Emotional abuse; Mental Abuse Physical Abuse; Sexual assault; Increased control/obsession over money; Restraint of partner; Destruction of property; Sabotging partner; Character assault.

Partner may: Experience fear and shock; Protect self and children; Use self-defense; Call for help; Try to flee or leave; Pray for it to stop; Do what is necessary to survive

 

Phase 3: Calmer

 

Batterer may:

Ask for forgiveness; Promise it won’t happen again; Stop drinking and/or using other drugs for a period; Go to counseling; Be affectionate; Initiate intimacy; Minimize or deny abuse

Partner may: Forgive; Return home; Arrange for counseling; Feel hopeful; Feel manipulated; Blame self; Minimize or deny abuse.

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 Is it just me or does any of this SOUND FAMILIAR???