It’s always a little thing like this.
I call the pharmacy for refills on Pickle’s seizure meds last night, no biggie. Jer runs up to get them for me and they didn’t fill the one. Seems medical insurance companies can do this. They can pay for a medication one month, they won’t pay for it the next month. But, this is anti-seizure medication. It’s not like the kid can go without it, right? I’m annoyed. I call the pharmacy. She is equally annoyed with said insurance company and very sympathetic to my cause. She will make phone calls to help in the morning, as will I. I make a mental list in my head of who I need to call to get this taken care of before his medication runs out in three days. This is course is the reason why I always call these things in a few days in advance. It’s another one of the small things I do, without notice. And as I’m standing there in the kitchen with his four prescription bottles in my hand, I lost it. I was angry. I was hurt. I was 10 different emotions at once.
How does this happen? How do you step up in a child’s life, take that child in as your own and adopt that child as your own responsibility for the rest of your life, to have the child’s father… totally unappreciate it, disregard it, and then cast you aside and move on? To me, this is a huge thing to do. If for some unforeseen reason The ex wasn’t a part of our children’s life anymore and a man stepped up to the plate and took care of them and got them the help that Pickle has required, I would be forever grateful and appreciative. Everything else would pale in comparison. But, I guess it’s ludicrous to except a blind man to see…well, anything.
But what about everyone else? What about all those who have taken his “side” and support him…who believe I was this heartless bitch who fucked him over? How can they believe that considering … everything?
It hurts. It makes things seem futile.
But, It’s not about it me, I know that. It’s just a moment and an emotion I wanted to express.
This is about Pickle. If it wasn’t, if it were about the ex or me, I would’ve walked away years ago and let whatever was gonna happen with Pickle happen. If I had known how all the chips were gonna fall in the end, I still would’ve done the same thing. I still would’ve stood up for him, helped him and loved him as my own. It’s horrifying to me to think where he would be and what his life would be like if I hadn’t. I AM GRATEFUL to have him in my life and for the lessons he has taught me. I’ll forever be grateful to my own parents and family for accepting him as my own as well and not treating him any different from my biological children.
Maybe that is it’s own legacy of love.