Little Wonders … (loving these lyrics)

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

I don’t care anymore

I had a rather ephiphanic ( I may have just invented that word) moment this morning. I don’t know if that’s even a word, but it suits what I’m trying to say, so I’ll roll with it.

EX called on his way into work as he sometimes does to touch base, check up on the kids. He inquired into my gutter situation. (It’s half hanging off my house due to recent snow and ice) Then out of nowhere he starts telling me that Matilda (an old friend acquaintance) and his self-righteous brother got into it at a bar this weekend. I actually said, “Who?” After he clarified, I had to wonder what this has to do with me and I inquire why he is telling me this. He says he was just wondering if I had heard anything. Ummmm, no. I don’t speak to either one of them anymore, for good reason. He starts telling me how his brother was out for his birthday and how supposedly Matilda was trying to act like she was “buddy, buddy” with him and trying to “work into his scene” (as if it’s some prestigious feat) and that he more or less tried to belittle her and told her that he never liked her, what did she want?, blah, blah, blah, blah….

So, I ask him. “Why are you telling me this? Why would I care?”

He says, “Well, I was just wondering if you had heard about it in case anything was said about you. I just didn’t want you to get your feelings hurt.

Let me get this straight: I don’t talk to either of these two people, they are out at a bar, probably both wasted without a doubt, they have words that has absolutely nothing to do with me, I know nothing about, nor do I care, yet he’s telling me about it to … protect me, just IN CASE something was said about me?

Know what I realized?

1- EX is an instigator, who feeds on trying to make people as insecure and paranoid as he is.  I recognize it now and I’m not going to play into it anymore.

But more importantly…

2- I realized I really don’t give a shit what, or if anything, was said about me, especially from the likes of these two. Really and truly I don’t care anymore. I know the truth and I’m ok with not having to prove anything, to anyone.   For me – that’s a big deal.

Pillow Talk

 DSC00006

“Stephanie?”

“Hmmm..?”

“I want you to know how much I love you. I love you more than anything, baby.”

I roll over to face him. He brushes the hair out of my face…

“Why?”

“Because you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known. You’re amazing. You’re such a good woman, you’re a good mom… you are so good to your kids, I love you so much for that.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

“I don’t think so, I know, I see it everyday. You are so wonderful. I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”

“Not even … the first copy of the full version of Halo 3?”

“Nope.”

“Not even for a brand new, completely paid for Hummer?”

“Nope.”

“What if it had a full tank of gas?”

He laughs, “Is that supposed to make a difference?”

“Well, yeh…gas is expensive.”

“But you’re priceless.”

“What about for 30 billion dollars?”

“No.  Seriously, Steph… I am so thankful for everyday I have with you. I feel privileged to be with you. Sometimes I can’t even believe how lucky I am to be with you, like just to wake up with you. When I wake up the morning, there are a few seconds where I think, wow, that was a really good dream, and then I open my eyes, and I see you there, and I see your beautiful face and I feel like the luckiest man on Earth. “

25 Things about me

1. I have come to realize that life…is unpredictable

2. I am listening to…my daughter laughing

3. I talk…. less and listen more

4. I love….my kids

5. My best friend(s)….have seen me through a lot

6. I need to … take more photographs

7. I lost … my sense of direction not so long ago

8. I hate it when people … lie

9. Love Is…. patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs, love does not delight in eil, but rejoices in truth, It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, Love never fails.

10. Marriage is ….. a journey two people must make together.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking about me … and that makes my heart smile.

12. I’ll always be… thankful.

13. I have a crush on … Sonny Corinthos

14. The last time I cried was because … Jer told me how much he loved me.

15. My cell phone … is in my car.

16. When I wake up in the morning… I feel blessed.

17. Before I go to sleep at night… I pray.

18. Right now I am thinking about….how I should be doing homework

19. Babies are… the best teachers of your capacity to love someone else.

20. I get on Xanga…. to have a release

21. Today I… plan on doing homework and spending time with my kiddos and watching the Cavs game.

22. Tonight I will…Watch a movie snuggled up next to Jer

23. Tomorrow I will….have a lot of work to get caught up on.

24. I really want.. to go to Hawaii.

25. If I could change one thing… I don’t think I would, cause it would probably change everything else.

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world.

Seriously.

All three of my kids have been sick this week and he was an enormous help to me. He watched two of them while I’ll took JJ down to the ER and didn’t bat an eye or make me feel like I owed him a thing. He bought me chocolate and a card to lift my spirits. When I tell him how much I appreciate him for this he brushes it off, he says, “We’re in this together.” And not only does he take care of me, he’s just so damn awesome with the kids. Like, he let me sleep in this morning, he not only got up with the kids, made them all breakfast, and gave them all their meds, he actually spent time with them.

He’s making me dinner right now. Steak. And the man can cook a steak better than any restaurant. And, he cleans up after himself when hes done cooking. (gasp!)

I’m not used to being taken care of.

A girl could get really used to this.

Can’t catch a break

Today was a very ….. VERY … VERY bad day.

Just a short summary…

I’ve had 5 hours of sleep in the last 2 days because the kids are sick. All of them.

Started with Jedi Monday, bad headache, 103.8 temp, I was up with him all night last night…turns out he has a sinus infection and the start of pneumonia. Pickle started with the same thing yesterday and today it’s was Diva.

I couldn’t go downtown to the courthouse for work today. My boss says she understands but still, I don’t like that.

My car brokedown. It’s a 2006. And it stalled. It’s in the shop. Hopefully, I can get back in time to work tomorrow, because…

Jer was laid off from his job today. 2 weeks before his 90 days was up. Gotta love corporate America.

Strange Days

I’m in a very strange place right now.

There is this new life that I am developing that is full of life and happiness and laughter. I’m thankful. I feel settled. I feel blessed. I feel accomplished. I feel loved. I feel adored. I feel appreciated. I feel fulfilled. I’m just happy.

And then there is this other … life, my old life, or circumstances that have carried over from my past life, that creep to the surface sometimes. That realization that you were nothing more than someone to blame in the eyes of a man you gave all for.  And that’s all you’ll ever be. It’s the role I’ve been given and I can’t get away from. It casts its shadow over everything, makes everything seem futile and generic. It’s nothing but a disappointment.

BIG CONSTRAST.

It’s very strange.

Child Support

In an attempt to try and get the ball rolling on the child support modification, I had the attorney I work for sit down with me and go through a new child support worksheet. If you know nothing about this, basically child support is determined by a state statute or law. The law provides that both parents should be responsible for providing financial support of their children, but it looks at both parent’s income decides what the amount of support is an then divides it by a number of other factors, who is the residential parent, who makes more money, who is paying alimony, taxes, etc. I gave her the numbers to plug into the formula and come up with the calculations.

Keep in mind I am only asking for support from his  NET INCOME, I am not asking for anything out of his overtime, or his side work, and I could.  I provided all  my income from my self-employment.

I printed out the worksheet and I give it to EX last week. He waits til Saturday to look at it. He calls me and tells me he doesn’t agree with the numbers and that he thinks it should be a lesser amount. He says that MY INCOME should be based on me working full-time at minimum wage, because Child Support and the court can 1) decrease support because they feel a mother can work more, or 2) force the mother by court order to get a different job, IF they feel the mother is unemployed or underemployed without reason.

I am a single mother to three children. One who is cognitively disabled, another who is only in half-day Kindergarten, and a preschooler. I am also self-employed part-time (about 10-12 hours a week) and I am a full-time college student. I AM NOT underemployed. In many other cases with similar situations, the judges ruled that a mother of preschooled aged children could not be forced to work full-time because the cost of daycare alone would supersede any additional income. I try explaining this to him and also explaining that if I do have to get a full time job that not only we he be forced to pay child support but also 1/2 of the childcare costs. Not to mention, of course, that if I go to work right now, it’s another big adaptation for the kids and dammit I think they’ve been through enough recently. Of course, all he says is that I’m just trying to get what I THINK I should in child support, not what I am actually owed. This also pisses me off because BELIEVE ME, I think he owes me a lot more than Child Support could ever could develop a figure for.

Jer overhears me on the phone crying, because EX is doing what he usually does which is basically accusing me of every under-sided, shady thing under the sun and then when I get upset he acts like I am psychotic and says things like, “You need to calm down, I don’t need to listen to this shit anymore, because we’re divorced” which is all for the benefit of his girlfriend. Well, Jer gets pissed because he knows that not only am I being fair, but I’ve had to push down all my pride to appease him for the last few months to ensure that I get a child support check from him every week, until the stupid Child Support Agency starts taking it out of his check automatically. Jer says, “You know what, Stephanie. Fuck him! He doesn’t believe a god damn word you say, you’re trying to give him a break and be fair and all he does is accuse you of lying and being difficult. Tell him that instead of doing that, you’ll just go back and add in all the other income he has and then you’ll go back and take out all the the expenses you can write off of your self employment and you’ll just ask the court to do with out his agreement and he can get an attorney and just fuck off.”

This in turn pisses EX off, but not at Jer … at me. He starts telling me how I’m crying to put on a show for Jer and make him feel sorry for me, to be the victim. I do what I always do and try explaining to him that no, I’m crying because I get tired of trying to do the right things and it constantly creating a big headache for me. That this is about finances and him supporting his kids and then to have him be such a hard headed ass about it, makes it even more emotional and stressful and I’m tense, and I’m crying cause it’s a release.

I don’t know why I bother.

Since then he agreed that he would sign the papers to be filed with the court and would cut me a check today when he dropped the kids off for the new amount. Then he leaves me a message saying he got his paycheck and realized that he was only gonna have about half his check from now on if he agreed to it, and he can’t make his new Jeep payment if he does that so, he doesn’t know if he can give me the money, then when I tried to call him back and get an answer out of him one way or the other.

Do you see what it is like?

In the meantime, I have bills due that I am counting on this money to be able to pay. I told them I would pay it Tuesday because my he was supposed to give me a check Friday. And it’s a never-fucking ending circle of stress and bullshit.

I loathe him.

edit: On his way to drop the kids off he calls me and tells me he’s bringing me cash but he wants a receipt. I ask him if he’s going to be able to talk and he says “No, I’m not alone”. (snort) It never ends but, he gave me the money and I gave him a receipt and he says he will sign the child support modification papers, have them notarized and return them to me Tuesday, so I can file them when I go downtown to the courthouse Wednesday for work.

Wonder what changed his mind so fast?

I’ll believe it when I see it.

Why do I never see it coming?

Yesterday was … interesting.

Teri (who is married to EX’s Uncle but whom I have become very close with and has been the only one in EX’s family who has supported me) called me yesterday afternoon and asked if she could come over and use my computer to do some research for work. In the midst of a conversation  while she was visiting, I started telling her about EX’s latest bug up his ass, wanting Pickle to come live with him. She thought this was a horrible idea from the get-go. Then I started to go into telling her about how he was moving in with his girlfriend and her three kids who live about 40 mins away. She says, “Oh I thought she lived nearby, no wonder he’s always looking for something to keep her up.”

I thought that was strange and of course, cannot leave well enough alone, so I ask. She gets this look on her face like she had said something that she shouldn’t have.

You know that “Oh shit, I don’t want to be in the middle of anything” look? But she goes on to tell me that EX has been trying to score his little lady friend cocaine from her husband, his Uncle.  Yeh, he called a couple weeks ago, asking if he had any because he was trying to find something to help keep her up, because she’s a nurse and works really weird shifts. So he says. It gets better. Then she tells me that his other Uncle also told her husband that he had tried to get some from him, but he wouldn’t give it to him because of what happened the last time.

I instinctively had this tingle all  over me and remembered EXACTLY when I had suspected this happened. It was when they moved into their house and EX was helping them move. It only stands out because he did act really, REALLY bizarre that day. I had even asked him what the hell was wrong with him and that he was acting nuts. Of course he denied doing anything but, I had always wondered. I asked Teri about it yesterday. She confirmed what I had suspected. She said that he had done a couple lines that day “to help keep going” while they were moving and after my argument with him, he had got even worse. She said that he had slammed his head into the wall and was banging all the cabinet doors in the kitchen with his fists. That he had tried to start a fight with his and that his Uncle’s friend almost laid him out on the floor because he was acting so nutso. When I think about how he was that night and I think about him being around my kids like that … (shutters).  I know EX, he isn’t scoring her anything that he isn’t gonna use himself, he’s too selfish and secondly, I have to wonder if it’s even true, I wonder if it’s just a cover for him because I have a really hard time believing that a nurse, who could lose her license for using drugs, would be doing it anyways. But to think that this girlfriend of his might be doing what he does right along with him … is just terrifying. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do. This is just a whole new steaming load of bullshit problems for me to worry about where the kids are concerned. I’m scared as hell about what might happen when they’re with him if this is in fact going on. I mean, I know the only reason he didn’t do it more when we were together was because I was totally against it. Dear God, What if they are both using? Where does that leave my kids and what can I even do about it?

Then, he decides to pick the kids up early on his way home from work for visitation yesterday. I talked to him earlier in the day about it, he says he’ll just pick them up early and bring them home early. That was fine, no problem, no issues. I tell him he will need to pick them up and drop them off because I have plans for the night. He’s fine with that too. He starts asking me what our paperwork says. I tell him I think it says something like 5-9pm because the standard visitation court order is 5:30-8:30 and we allowed an extra half hour for travel on each end. So when he shows up to pick up the kids I ask him what time he’ll be coming back so I can tell my Dad what time to meet him at the house. He starts huffing and puffing, being all self righteous. He asks me again about the paperwork and if I have it. I go inside, flip through my paperwork, can’t find the exact wording in it, but I find the standard visitation order and show it to him. He starts telling me I’m just trying to change it and go by whatever paperwork is more convenient to me. WHOA…wait a minute, all I asked was what time he was bringing them home. I never said he had to keep them for “x” amount of time or anything like that. I just asked what time, so my Dad could meet him here at the house. He’s making absolutely no sense.

I ask him, “What is your problem?

He says, “Nothing, I just asked you a simple question and you can’t give me a straight answer. You’re shady. You always do this

I can’t follow what’s going on at this point or what he is he talking about? I tell him I’ll go get the paperwork and he can look through it himself, because I was in a hurry to find it and I couldn’t. I go back in and get it, bring it out to him and he refuses to take it, saying he doesn’t need to look at it, because he has the same paperwork. Well then why the hell can’t he read it, why doesn’t he know what it says and what does it even matter, why can’t he just say I’ll be back at * o’ clock? Then he starts telling me that our paperwork says 5:30 to 9 and he doesn’t know why it says that when he wasn’t even getting off work until 5:30. I pointed out to him that he signed the paperwork, those were the times he agreed to, he went to court, he said that was our agreement, and at the time we went to court he was unemployed and still wasn’t making it by 5:30, what was his point? Then he starts saying that he agreed to it because he thought I would be helping more with transportation and that of course I didn’t include that in the paperwork.

Again, I tell him “You’re not a victim. If you wanted that in the paperwork we could’ve added it in, you were there, you signed the papers.

I went on to point out that I had provided transportation at the beginning until he started acting EXACTLY like this when I drop them off. Why should I do him any favors, when he’s just going to be an ass to me? Nevermind the fact that if he wants to go by PAPERWORK, there is a restraining order between us and it says he will pick them up and drop them off at the end of my driveway. And what does any of this matter anyways? ALL I ASKED WAS WHAT TIME HE WOULD BE DROPPING THEM OFF.  I mean, he already missed visitation with them Tuesday because of the weather, and here all he is concerned is the amount of time he “HAS” to have them?

It’s ridiculous. The man is not stable.

I’m so tired of dealing with this crap. I’m trying really hard to keep my lid on tight while I’m boiling inside because I’m dependent on him for finances right now. I have to depend on him to write me a check every week until child support starts taking it out directly and depositing it into my bank account. I have no choice but to follow the rules and allow the visitations, even after the child support starts coming directly out of his check, but I won’t have to take so much crap off him cause he’ll have nothing to hold over my head anymore. Actually, that’s not true either. It comes back to the kids and me trying to protect them, like always. Not wanting to upset him so that he drinks, so that he won’t be inappropriate in front of our kids.

I really dislike him. Loathe, might be a better word to describe how I feel actually. Yes, I loathe him.

I don’t want things to be like this, but I can’t keep doing this. I’m sick to death of simple little things being blown up into these dramatic affairs. I can’t figure out how I never see it coming. I feel like a fool. I feel like this is somehow all my fault, for letting him into my life, and for letting him be the father of my children. I did that. I know my Mom says that you should never feel foolish for loving someone even if they abuse it, but God…I feel so stupid. And now it seems there is no end in sight to the problems he will create in my and their lives. Divorce, was one step in the right direction to limit their exposure, I suppose. But if anything happens to them at his hands, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

To my readers who are not married and do not have children…

Be very careful who you choose as your partner and the father of your children.

Anxiety 2/12/07

Woke up first thing this morning with a tightness in my chest and severe pain in my left ear.  Scared me so bad I nearly called an ambulance. Got to the ER they hook me up to everything, monitor me for a couple hours, run some tests … nothing. They think I had the mother of all anxiety attacks.

But first thing in the morning?

To wake up like that?

I admit that I was stressed yesterday, I went to bed with a lot on my mind and in fact, just starting to type about it right now… I can’t. I start feeling the pain again. Maybe they’re right.

This is just nuts and damn scary.

I have to follow-up with my PCP in the a.m.