I just want to run away

I’m really struggling.

I find myself having days where I just want to find something, anything to take this all away. I’m just tired of dealing with the heartache and the “why”s of everything that has gone down.

Why couldn’t he love me?   Why couldn’t he be happy with me?  Why didn’t he appreciate anything I ever did?   Why didn’t he listen to me?  Why is he happy with her and her kids when he resented us and the responsibilities that we implied?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know.

He spent two days last week talking to me almost exclusively about how much he missed having sex with me. How much he missed my “pussy”. Asking me if I miss him. Me – not wanting to set him off, conjure up something safe and say, I miss the intimacy and history that a husband and wife share in bed. I guarantee you if I had invited him over for a roll in the hay… he would’ve done it.  He actually asked me when Jedi was leaving for school and when Diva was going over to my Mom’s because he knew I had a paper to write. Then for the kicker, he asked if Jer was coming over tonight. I just ignored what he was insinuating. And started refocusing on why we’re not together. That ship has sailed. He treated me like crap, the kids like crap, he ignored us, the drinking….etc,etc. Which of course, leads to us ending up in an argument over things that had passed and he says to me… “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t really get wasted anymore….cause I know I’m gonna get laid. I might have a few, but then I stop because I know I’m gonna get laid and then I might have one or two more, but I stop because I know I’m gonna get laid again.

Ouch. That really fucking hurt.

I hung up on him.

What a fucking coward. To blame your alcoholism on well, anything is just dumb, but lack of sex…. PUHLEASE.  We had plenty of sex when we were married. Like 3-4x a week, I can’t remember going less than that more once, well, until the end when it became a chore. I don’t understand what that’s about. It must be some story he tells people for why our marriage failed and he’s told it so much, he just flat believes it now. Also, if it’s so fucking good with her, why is he coming at me, talking about how much he misses it?  And third, how fucking low can you be to say shit like this to your ex wife and mother of your children? Did I somehow miss the memo about life being solely about drinking and fucking?  Is that all that ever mattered to him? And worst of all, what if there’s some truth to it? What if that’s all it was about? What about everything else?

After everything I did for him, It hurts. It all hurts so much. I swear, I did everything I could for the man. I gave him everything he ever wanted and it was never enough. I gave and gave even when he gave me nothing in return. I showed up when he didn’t. I did the right thing, even when it mattered to no one. And that’s another thing, I’m just tired of trying to do the right thing. It seems it would just be easier to be an asshole and do whatever the hell I wanted. Shit, he does… and people fucking defend him and love him just the same. Seriously, what’s the point?

For the record he did call back and apologize to me, but it’s really just the principle of the thing. The apology means nothing, because I know beyond of a shadow of a doubt, he’ll start selling his shit like gold now, he’ll make them out to be the golden couple…he’s gotta cover his tracks. Ask me how I know.

I was laying in bed this morning. I had just woke from a dream in which he was trying to kill me. Jer was laying next to me. And I just looked at him and wanted to wake him up and tell him that I needed to end things between us. I just wanted to run and scream.

Really, it would be the stupidest thing I ever did, cause the man is nothing short of a miracle to me and my kids.

But still… I want to run. I hate feeling like this.

Mania, and go….

We ran away together

Last weekend proved to be just what I needed. A little time away.

Jer and I went back to my hometown of Hoodbridge, VA. (Woodbridge) Got to visit with family and old friends, which is always refreshing to ones soul. Also can serve to remind one that somethings/people never change, and that is sad. Anyhoo…Jer had never been to D.C., so I took him to do some of the tourist things, like seeing the Capitol, White House, etc, etc…then we went to The Smithsonian museums. He had never rode the subway before either which I found amusing. I devirginized him of many things and that is always fun.

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It was also my cousin’s husband’s 30th birthday. There was a gathering of friends and lots and lots of laughing. My cheeks and sides hurt the next day from laughing. Also a good thing. Plus, I finally got to meet my nephew. He’s adorable and looks just like his Momma.

This weekend. Ugh! I had some kind of intestinal bug thing, that was awful. The kind of thing where you can’t even keep water down but you somehow have some kind of yellowish looking water coming out of every orphus of your body. TMI, I know. I lost 5lbs in 2days. You never really forget how much you hate throwing up. I realize these things happen, but was a little disappointed because since I was gone last weekend and this is my weekend with the kids, I had wanted to go play in the snow. Instead we ended up laying in my bed or on the couch watching movies.

Today we celebrated Jedi’s 6th birthday. It’s actually Thursday, but it’s EX’s visitation night and while technically, I’m supposed to be able to keep him home on his birthday, I just want to keep the consistency of the visitations going. We went to this really cool train themed restaurant downtown and got to have lunch in train car. We had a blast.

There were some subtle reminders that things were not as I had planned them to be in my son’s life. A lot has changed from his last birthday to this one. But as I looked around and saw how much love and support we had around us, I just had this overwhelming sense that everything was really gonna be alright.  I guess life really is what happens when you’re busy making others plans. And when plans fall through, life goes on.  Sometimes on a better note than you could have ever imagined.

Too Little Too Late

Come with me
Stay the night
You say the words, but boy it don’t feel right
What do you expect me to say?

 

You take my hand
And you say you’ve changed
But boy you know your begging don’t fool me
Because to you it’s just a game

Just let me go now
time has made me strong
I’m starting to move on
I’m gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone

 

It’s just too little too late
A little too long
And I can’t wait
you know all the right things to say
You say you dream of my face
But you don’t like me
You just like the chase
be real
It doesn’t matter anyway

 it’s just too little too late

 

I was young
And in love
I gave you everything
But it wasn’t enough
And now you want To communicate?
Go find someone else
I’m letting you go
I’m loving myself
You got a problem
But don’t come asking me for help

I can love with all of my heart
I know I have so much to give
BUt With SOMEONE like you, I don’t have a prayer
That’s the way to live

 

It’s just too little too late
A little too long
And I can’t wait
you know all the right things to say
You say you dream of my face
But you don’t like me
You just like the chase
be real
It doesn’t matter anyway

 

it’s just too little too late

I spoke too soon

Drama still exists, as I became painfully aware of today.

I’ve spent most of my day crying, or feeling like I was on the verge of tears. I’d like to be able to excuse it away with my “monthly visitor” approaching, but the fact of the matter is, it’s all really fresh and he can, and does, still hurt me.  and damn, I’m sick of being caught up in it.

In the last two days EX has approached me twice about things people have said I said or did. He said / she said horseshit. The things he relays are beyond absurd, they are bold faced lies. He asks why it hurts me so much if I know they’re lies. But the TRUTH, the truth is that it hurts because

#1- he would CHOOSE to believe them

But actually after already talking to one of them and having them tell me they never said that what’s really bothering me is that…

#2- I’m beginning to get the picture that he’s made all of it up. I don’t think these people said shit to him, which makes the whole thing more perplexing. I mean, wtf? WHY would he do that? Why would he or anybody else take the time to conjure up such things and create unnecessary drama just for what… fun?

I know I am not important enough of a person for people to sit around and make shit up about me, shit, I’m unimportant to him. He doesn’t give a shit about me, he proves that more and more everyday.

Which leads me to believe… it’s about him. People will believe what they want to believe, or need to believe, no matter what the cost. Kinda like those crazy people and their HaleBop cult who all killed themselevs when the comet passed so they could go on a spaceship. Uh-yeh. I just don’t get how people consciencely sell lies to themselves, just to make them feel better. It’s the coward’s way out. And nothing changes this way, which makes it even worse.

I just don’t deal well with lies at all. I want there to be truth and justice and fairness. And the sad fact of the matter is…. it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes life, people, circumstances, just down right suck and aren’t fair at all.

Why do I even bother?

I need to progress instead of regress.

I’m done boohooing about this crap. As much as I deal with because I want things to be cordial and I want to keep the lines of communication open, it’s just not worth it.  I’ve developed way too much love of myself to let someone disrespect me this way. If it were anybody else, I wouldn’t take it. I think the only way to cut this shit out of my life, is to cut it off at the source.

Hey, sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Quote of the day: Never explain; You’re friends don’t need the explaination and your enemies will never believe you anyways.

p.s. Mr. Michael…. I can’t go to your page without it crashing my computer. I keep trying but I think there is a bad script on it or something. I miss reading your posts terribly. Shoot me an e-mail. You should have it.

You Can’t Hurt Me Anymore

It’s an amazing thing, the strength you find when you let go. The clarity that comes when you’re not in the thick of it. That whole… “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone” notion. It’s extremely satisfying me to be able to have someone throw drama at me, to recognize it, call it out and to be able to stop it in it’s tracks and shut it down. I like this drama free lifestyle I’ve developed. It’s very chill. Without the negative influence weighing me down, I’m able to relate to others better. I hear, I see, I feel and I like it.

I’ve also learned to accept that you can’t make some people see and you can’t make some people hear. They will always be in their own little land of disillusionment, cause it’s a lot easier than accepting responsibility. And that’s not my problem.  I’m removing myself from the equation so that the new constants can be added. I figure this way, the real properties that exist will come to light.

That makes it official. Algebra is now overwhelming everything else. I just made a algebraic expression out of a personal experience. Blah!

Hope Floats

“Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will… ”

The above quote is from one of my all time favorite movies, Hope Floats. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, I guess because it all hits so close to home. The starting all over after a failed marriage theme I suppose. The thing I never focused on was the ending though. The HAPPY ending. And as I was running errands today and listening to the soundtrack I finally listened to this track. Seems I was always playing the sad ones…and while it made me cry, they were happy tears.

I just wanted to put the lyrics out there…for Jer, with sincerest gratitude.

Jer, You’ve changed my life, my outlook on life, on men, on love….and whatdya know….hope floated back up. Thank- You, again and again, and again.

To Get Me To You

by Lila McCann

Well I, I still can remember times
When the night seemed to surround me
I was sure the sun would never shine on me
And I, I thought it my destiny
To walk this world alone
But now you’re here with me
Now you’re here with me

And I don’t regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you

Well I, I still can recall the days
When I had no love around me
Makes me glad for every day I have with you
And I, I look in your eyes and know
I’m right where I belong
And I belong with you
Always belonged with you

And I don’t regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to go through
To get me to you
To get me to you

And if I could I wouldn’t change a thing
Wouldn’t change a thing baby
Because your love was waiting there for me
Waiting there for me baby

And I don’t regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you

“Today is where my book begins … the rest is still unwritten”

Alright, so I’ve had my little pity party for myself and I’m done with it. I’m putting that burden down and moving forward full throttle.

I’m focusing on the positive stuff I have, instead of what I’ve lost.

I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and plenty to eat. I have three, beautiful, wonderful kids. I have hope. I have dreams. I have goals for myself that I’m accomplishing. I have passion, joy, laughter, perspective, wisdom. I have tried and true friends. I have a good family. I have unconditional love from a wonderful man.

I’m happy and I’m looking forward to what’s to come.

Is this how we say Goodbye?

Today was D- Day.

My EX (weird) and I had our court hearing and 8 years of my life was wrapped with hearing a judge say that she was “granting both of us a divorce“.

Divorce is final.

Marriage is over.

He shall now and forever be….THE EX. I don’t plan on EVER having another.

I feel almost as if someone has died. Maybe because the “life” I worked so hard for the last 8 years is gone. I’m sad for the kids. I already hate the visitations and splitting up holidays horseshit. None of this is fair to them. That’s what makes me angry. It doesn’t seem fair to show up and put forth the effort to gain some kind of security for your kids just to have it ripped all to hell. I could sit here for hours on end, writing about all the things I did and what I think I deserve. All the coulda, woulda, shouldas… but it’s pointless. I’m not gonna do it. It’s over and I’m putting this burden down. Really, I think … no, I know I did the right thing. I’m gonna be better off and happier and eventually, so will the kids. I couldn’t have done anything more than I did.

I can walk away knowing I gave it my all and that’s just going to have to be enough.

It’s time to start a new life … a much happier, healthier life.