I’m really struggling.
I find myself having days where I just want to find something, anything to take this all away. I’m just tired of dealing with the heartache and the “why”s of everything that has gone down.
Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he be happy with me? Why didn’t he appreciate anything I ever did? Why didn’t he listen to me? Why is he happy with her and her kids when he resented us and the responsibilities that we implied?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know.
He spent two days last week talking to me almost exclusively about how much he missed having sex with me. How much he missed my “pussy”. Asking me if I miss him. Me – not wanting to set him off, conjure up something safe and say, I miss the intimacy and history that a
husband and wife share in bed. I guarantee you if I had invited him over for a roll in the hay… he would’ve done it. He actually asked me when Jedi was leaving for school and when Diva was going over to my Mom’s because he knew I had a paper to write. Then for the kicker, he asked if Jer was coming over tonight. I just ignored what he was insinuating. And started refocusing on why we’re not together. That ship has sailed. He treated me like crap, the kids like crap, he ignored us, the drinking….etc,etc. Which of course, leads to us ending up in an argument over things that had passed and he says to me… “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t really get wasted anymore….cause I know I’m gonna get laid. I might have a few, but then I stop because I know I’m gonna get laid and then I might have one or two more, but I stop because I know I’m gonna get laid again.”
Ouch. That really fucking hurt.
I hung up on him.
What a fucking coward. To blame your alcoholism on well, anything is just dumb, but lack of sex…. PUHLEASE. We had plenty of sex when we were married. Like 3-4x a week, I can’t remember going less than that more once, well, until the end when it became a chore. I don’t understand what that’s about. It must be some story he tells people for why our marriage failed and he’s told it so much, he just flat believes it now. Also, if it’s so fucking good with her, why is he coming at me, talking about how much he misses it? And third, how fucking low can you be to say shit like this to your ex wife and mother of your children? Did I somehow miss the memo about life being solely about drinking and fucking? Is that all that ever mattered to him? And worst of all, what if there’s some truth to it? What if that’s all it was about? What about everything else?
After everything I did for him, It hurts. It all hurts so much. I swear, I did everything I could for the man. I gave him everything he ever wanted and it was never enough. I gave and gave even when he gave me nothing in return. I showed up when he didn’t. I did the right thing, even when it mattered to no one. And that’s another thing, I’m just tired of trying to do the right thing. It seems it would just be easier to be an asshole and do whatever the hell I wanted. Shit, he does… and people fucking defend him and love him just the same. Seriously, what’s the point?
For the record he did call back and apologize to me, but it’s really just the principle of the thing. The apology means nothing, because I know beyond of a shadow of a doubt, he’ll start selling his shit like gold now, he’ll make them out to be the golden couple…he’s gotta cover his tracks. Ask me how I know.
I was laying in bed this morning. I had just woke from a dream in which he was trying to kill me. Jer was laying next to me. And I just looked at him and wanted to wake him up and tell him that I needed to end things between us. I just wanted to run and scream.
Really, it would be the stupidest thing I ever did, cause the man is nothing short of a miracle to me and my kids.
But still… I want to run. I hate feeling like this.
Mania, and go….