emotionally drained

this weekend was emotionally draining.
it started with friday’s conversation with Ex .

then saturday night there was another conversation between us. i called him to tell the kids good-night and then he started asking me if i was ok, that i had seemed down when i had dropped the kids off to him. i explained that it’s just part of the process. there are going to be these ups and downs. it’s not easy to be with someone for 8 years and then poof! their gone. he said he had hoped that Jer wouldn’t have been with me when i dropped the kids off, because he thought it would be cool to hang out for a while and just talk about all this shit, because,  nobody else can understand but us. there is some truth to that, but i don’t know if i can take much more of this. so, i said, well maybe we can hang for a little bit tomorrow, but since it’s your birthday i really don’t want to upset you or for it to be emotional. he started saying well maybe when i drop off the kids tomorrow we could do that, but he would rather do it at his place, since there is the whole restraining order, so i said i would pick up the kids and let them give him their presents, then he said well he was going to his mom’s and he would probably have company. mmmm, ok. this was a little confusing. he wanted to hang out but now us doing something as a family is on a time schedule with his girlfriend? thanks, but no thanks. seems i’m always gonna be squeezed in. used to be his job and his drinking were higher up on his list of priorities, and now it’s his girlfriend. you know, when you realize you are this far down on someone’s list of priorities….you just don’t even care to be on the list anyways. this is why i don’t see us ever being “friends”. i have expectations of my friends, this would be a one way street, i would be let down. this led to me explaining to him that it had been kinda hard to make amends with the conversation we had had friday because it was hard to understand him “love”ing someone else or that he could be a man that s* didn’t think he exsisted. what did that mean? what kind of man was he know? why could he save her, but not me, not his own family? he said he had just convinced himself that he couldn’t give me what i needed. i said that’s why i said maybe we should just seperate, i thought maybe some time apart would give us a different perspective, some clarity but you said you thought there was too much hurt between us and well, i believed you. then he said i had never been affectionate.

stop.

no, i’m not gonna let him do that and i told him so. when he was good to me and our family, i was good to him. there were months, long periods of time, that things stayed good…usually  when he wasn’t drinking like a fish. seems a lot of our bad times revolved around his drinking habits, and in his heart, he knows that. when it was good, i was affectionate, there was cuddling, there was sex. but yes, towards the end…. it was few and far between, just like him showing up and being an active part in the relationship or our family was few and far between in the end and i couldn’t spend my whole like with somebody feeling like i wasn’t good enough. exactly, he said. which i assume means that he felt he was never good enough for me. i don’t understand that. yes, i REACTED to him, when he did something fucked up, i did hold him accountable for it, but not forever. there was just always a new and improved fucked up incident being added to the mix.

it’s like this……there was this wall constructed between us, brick by brick, over the years. every fucked up incident, led to words, on both sides, which led to hurt, which led to emotional detachment… during good times, Ex could do fairly well at taking the bricks back out and just when we’d get to a point between us that it seemed we might actually be able to demolish the damn thing, he’d start feeling sorry for himself out of nowhere, would start drinking, would start saying/doing things, i would withdraw to protect myself, shift focus, this would hurt him, he would feel rejected, and so the bricks went back in.

yes, there were things that i would’ve done differently, yes, i did end up bitter. i wish i would’ve taken my guard down again and again and again, but it just seemed like, whenever i’d get to that point…he’d walk away.  one of the biggest reasons that i couldn’t let me guard down was because he never took responsibility for the things he did. not just the little things, everyday, but the big things. like maybe if he ignored them they would just go away or if he denied them, i would actually believe i made them up in my own head. he never was accountable. this is what our counselor spent months trying to get him to realize. instead of looking at what your wife is doing…you need to think about what you are doing. women, naturally, are reactors. i can tell you for a fact, i never did the things to him that he did to me….i wouldn’t do them to anybody. i never spit in his face, i never hit him, i never grabbed him by the throat, i never sat in a car with one of my friends drunk and called him fat and worthless and a bitch and a liar, while he drove me home, i never stole money from him, i never passed out drunk while i was responsible for our children, i never missed work because i had a hang over.  and for the times that i said, hey this hurt me, he said stop being dramatic or that happened a long time ago, let it go. but there were so many thing that he never validated, that he just pretended never happened, that i couldn’t put i behind me. and over and over again, he added more and more. then would expect our relationship to go from a 1 to a 10 overnight. it was like that with everything. i was 19 when i met him. he expected me to know how to be a homemaker, a cook, a mother, a perfect lover….immediately. he called me names when i didn’t meet his expectations, he would make fun of me to other people right in front me. so after that, what the hell makes you want to do those things for someone? and whats’ worse…is that the standards he applied to me, HE didn’t apply to himself. what is that?

so, nothing has changed. it’s still all my fault. it’s still that he couldn’t give me what i wanted because i didn’t give him what he wanted. there’s no remorse, there’s no accountability. and that’s why it’s over. not because the fucked up shit happened, but because it will continue to happen when he doesn’t see what’s wrong with it.

after i got off the phone with him, i just called his mom and made arrangements to go over there before his family had their birthday thing for him so that the kids could give Ex his presents. and yesterday morning that’s what i did. it was good to see her. we both teared up a little bit when we hugged hello. i told her how much i’ve missed her and she said the same. she said it was weird, me not being around anymore and how hard all of this had been. we had coffee and she updated me on everything that was going on with everybody. i went upstairs and visited with grandma. i broke down and cried when i hugged her good-bye. which led to a conversation about me and Ex.  i just told her, that i loved her and everybody, no matter what, that i hoped there wouldn’t be any bad blood between the family and i. i told her i understood that they were Ex’s family, but that none of them had been there and really knew what had happened, that i wouldn’t bad mouth Ex to make my point to anyone, that it just is what it is and that we all have to move on, BUT it was hard to let go of my extended family when they had been a part of my life for so long. she told me how much she respected me for everything i’ve done and the amount of dignity i’ve had through everything, that i didn’t let it affect the way i mother Pickle or the other kids. that was nice to hear. then she went on to talk to me about how her and her husband had split up and gotten back together and how you just never know. nice sentiment. only difference is, the reason her and he split up was mostly because of her actions…from my understanding…and once she CHANGED her ways and her habits, they were able to have what they had always wanted. see the difference? (sigh)  but, i just nodded and gave her a big, long hug. told her i loved her, and i always would. \

this all led up to last night and my little emotional break down when Ex brought the kids home. he brought Jedi in first and as i was telling him hi and how much i missed him he looked at me and said “daddy has a new girlfriend, and it’s not you anymore.” it caught me off guard and it crushed me. yes, i knew it would happen, i’m aware of the situation…it’s bound to happen that Ex would move on, that’s not what hurt the most. what it was, was the fact that my five year old son would think that’s the way it should be. that when you’re done with someone you just move on to the next one. it hurts that he doesn’t understand. i wasn’t daddy’s fuckin’ girlfriend, i was his wife. i didn’t want things to be this way, i did everything in my power to save my marriage and my family, and all of this hurts me fuckin tremendously, but i hold it altogether and don’t run my mouth about it to my children, because my issues with Ex are mine, not theirs. no….i don’t want Jedi to know everything that went down or to understand it, but it just….hurt. i started crying. when Ex brought Diva in and saw i was crying, he asked why and i told him. he told Jedi he shouldn’t have said that to me and that was all i heard before i walked out of the room and into the kitchen. Ex followed me and turned me around and hugged me. he told me he was sorry that had happened. he thanked me for his birthday presents and told me he would call me later. then it was back to the car, his girlfriend’s car, that he was driving, with my kids in it, with her, after spending his birthday with her, with “our” extended family. yeh, it all just kinda hit me.

when he called later to tell the kids good-night, he asked if i was ok. i told him this was all a part of the process. he asked me if it made it any easy for me to think that, because he says, i say it all the time. he said that it seemed there were things i wanted to say that i wasn’t and i said that might be true. i spent 8 years always trying to be upfront with him and tell him where i was coming from and it got me absolutely nowhere, so where he is concerned….i keep a little quieter these days.

really, what is there to say?

nothing we could say to each other is gonna change anything. i could probably wait forever and never hear him say what i always needed to hear. and even if he did, it’s too late now. i’m finally with someone who treats me like a queen. not in a pampered kind of way, but he takes good care of my heart. i’m content with my life….school, work, kids, love, it’s all coming together..finally. yes, it’s sort of bittersweet because i wanted to share those things with Ex, but i tried that for 8 years and i always came up short and i can’t focus on that anymore. the shoulda, woulda, coulda, what-if stuff is done with. and hopefully, one day….we’ll get to a place where it doesn’t all hurt so much anymore.

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