Braces yourselves …

I actually had an adult conversation with EX today.

It went pretty well. We were discussing moving up our hearing date with the divorce and got into talking about how difficult the whole thing has been. He was talking about being conflicted about everything going on, because there is a lot. Not only are we grieving the loss of whatever it is we had, but we are both trying to balance out new lives, new budgets, new roles, responsibilities and relationships. I started to tell him to be cautious with the new girl. I told him that I liked her and that she seemed nice, but I was worried he might start a pattern over. That it seemed similar to how our relationship started. Me being in a bad place and seeing someone else in a bad place that wanted to help. That I didn’t want him to take her for granted or vice versa. He said it wasn’t like that, that she had her own stuff going on and that I should understand because isn’t it different with Jer?

Well, yes it is, because #1- he’s not coming out of a marriage and #2- he doesn’t have kids. I’m not rescuing him. I’m not trying to help him in anyway.  My point was the similarity of EX coming out of his first marriage and getting immediately involved with me and him coming out of our marriage and getting immediately involved with her. It is similar in that way. Not that she is like me or anything like that, I don’t know her, I couldn’t say, but it is similar.

He told me that something had happened between them, that neither one of them was ready for, he said she didn’t think a guy like him existed and they fell in love. That was kinda hard to take to be honest. knowing somebody you tried to share your life with is moving on, is one thing, but to hear that it is, love … a little different. This is where your mind starts spinning … you start to ask questions and think about things that might not even be rational.

It occurred to me that his office Christmas party was tonight and that he would be going with her. Do you know that I actually bought myself a hot little number to wear to this thing tonight months ago? To look good for him? Do you know what it felt like to take it back? It was like that dress held so many more things and I just had nothing to do with it anymore. (sigh) I started thinking about how he probably wouldn’t even have this job if i hadn’t have encouraged him to go to that 2nd interview. What would’ve happened then?Iif he hadn’t have met certain people through that job and had their influences fueling the fire, would we be here now? Would he not have started staying out all hours of the night drinking with his boss and coworkers? If he hadn’t have had so much pressure put on him by his job, would he have drank so much? Would he have ignored his family the way he did? Or was it all inevitable? Honestly, he did those things before this job. Then I  wonder what kind of guy he is that she thought didn’t exist. Couldn’t have been the guy who was around towards the end of our marriage, cause those guys are a dime a dozen. I guess part of me wonders if it’s actually possible that he can be with her, what he could never be with me and why is that? Why couldn’t he be this stand up guy for his me? For our children? for our family? It doesn’t make sense. I mean, wouldn’t he have had more motivation be that guy to save his own family? Which leads me to wonder if it is just a smokescreen?

This is what led to me telling him that it concerned me that she could have read most everything on my blog and have just brushed it aside and got involved with him so quickly. I didn’t understand that. He said she had formed her own opinion about that. And I said, I know and that’s what concerns me. She has kids, she really should address it. He seemed to start getting annoyed and I just said “Look, I’m not trying to criticize either one of you. If you or even she were one of my friends, I’d say hey…this needs to be addressed seriously.” I’m trying to be a friend and maybe it’s hard for him to hear that right now, but I have to say it and that’s all I can do. He said they had talked about it. I told him that I hoped that he didn’t tell her I was full of shit and that she hadn’t just accepted it. That would be highly irresponsible on both ends. I don’t know what he said or what she said about it, but … the truth is, it concerns me. Mostly because when I got involved with him, he blamed everything on his ex, the reasons he drank, the reasons he was so horrible to her, was all because SHE made him miserable. It was a lie, but all i could see was what i wanted to see. i ignored the obvious, which is, like he is so fond of saying, “it takes two.” I just think If he doesn’t really deal with this, all of it, he will continue to self-destruct just because he never made amends or took responsibility enough to put the burden down so that he can REALLY move on. that’s the change i haven’t seen and that’s why i worry. You know if you can’t see that you did something wrong then you can’t change it, and if you don’t change it you’re bound to repeat it.

I told him that I wanted him to be happy and in a healthy relationship, but in order to do that, he was going to have to be honest with himself and her about what has gone down and how he’s feeling about this whole process. I told him that I was fortunate to be with someone who lets me grieve this loss, without making it about him, without feeling like he isn’t good enough, or feeling that maybe I want EX back and that I hoped he and she could do the same for each other, but it would be hard since she is going through her own divorce and he needs to be aware of her feelings in that regard as well. They both have kids to think about too. I don’t want him to get hurt, I don’t want her to get hurt and I sure as hell don’t want any of the kids to get hurt.

Yep, It’s official.

I’m a mother. I feel the need to protect and nurture everyone.

God help me.

In other news, got to have lunch with my girlfriend downtown today after having to go to court (for work). It’s really great to be able to do things again and be myself again. My girlfriend was even saying how I’m back to acting like myself and how much she’s missed seeing me smile, and hearing me laugh.  She talked about how much she liked Jer and how happy she was for me. That made me feel good. That someone else sees it and appreciates it as much as I do.

I’m happy for me too.

Things are going well. I’m almost done with another quarter at school. Looks like I’ll be graduating this summer. Work is going well. Things are picking upa nd moving forward. It’s very rewarding work that I feel good about doing. The kids are doing well. Despite the typical ornery behavior stuff here and there, they are much more settled and happy. That does my heart well.

And my love life, well…. it’s the icing on the cake. Jer is a great guy with an awesome heart.

I am such a lucky girl…..no I’m blessed. Truly, I am. And the funny thing is, all the crap that I’ve been through, that i thought would destroy me….has only made this all the more sweeter.

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