I was just thinking to myself last night how it’s been awhile since I’ve had any flare-ups with my ovarian cyst / endometriosis stuff and the mind-numbing pain. I actually was beginning to think, or hope, that maybe all the problems I had had were all stress related. Stress can do really messed up things to you physically, no doubt. Then this morning, I went and worked out, and by the time I got home, I was in pain. Really bad, pain. Tears in my eyes, I wanna pull hair out of my head pain. And in the middle of this, I found myself apologizing to Jer that I was in pain and being “whiny”. He was appauled. Told me to not ever apologize for things I can’t control. Jer tells me all the time that I apologize all the time, for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for. He’s even threatened to put a rubber band on my wrist and snap the hell out it everytime I say it. He was like, “You know what, jsut don’t apologize…ever, for anything, even if you are wrong….just so y ou stop doing it for awhile.” He says just by me doing that, he knows what my marriage was like and it kills. And you know what bothers me? I still I don’t even realize that extent of the eggshells I was walking on for EX and how bent out of shape I’ve gotten mentally/emotionally and Jer is having an ephiphany over it?
Even as much pain as I have coursing through my abdomen right now, I’m grateful. It’s moments like these when I realize just how bad things were with EX and how grateful I am to be away from it. How grateful I am to be with someone who sincerely cares for my well being. Someone who is capable of being empathatetic and selfless. It’s like that with everything lately. Instead of having days, weeks, months where I get lost in bitterness, resentment and anger, I only have moments. I allow myself to have the moments and then I move on. I can’t dwell anymore. Because as I look back, I can see how everything that ever happened…happened for a reason. Even all the bad, horrible bullshit…lead to….well, this, where I am now. If I had never met EX, I would’ve never met PICKLE, there would be no JEDI and no DIVA. In fact, this kinda plays into the ovaries situation. Had I not have had kids as early on with EX as I did, my enometriosis might have been so bad that I might not have been able to have kids. They are the smile in my heart. I can’t imagine life without my kids. If I had never taken PICKLE on the way I did, I wouldn’t have found a career in law that I am eager and passionate about. I wouldn’t have taken the initative to go back to school and finish my degree. I wouldn’t have a job and a boss that I adore. Even EX putting his hands on me, if that hadn’t have happened, he’d probably still be here, the kids and I would still be miserable and life would be way too much to take. Who knows, something worse might have happened. Maybe if he hadn’t have done that and things hadn’t gone down the way they had, maybe he would’ve kept drinking the way he was and gotten behind the wheel of a car and killed himself, or someone else. If I hadn’t had the experiences that I did with EX, I wouldn’t nearly appreciate Jer as much as I do.
It’s weird how now I can look back on almost everything and see how it all lead to this.
I can remember saying just a few months ago to someone that I wish I could see the big picture, I wish I knew what God’s plan was for me. I knew there was a big canvas….but I felt trapped in some dark corner of it and felt like God was just stalling with the brush in his hand. But, it wasn’t like that. Turns out he was mixing colors, for hues I hadn’t ever imagined. And now I’m starting to see the masterpiece.
It’s an amazing, beautiful thing.