He treats me like a piece of shit.

I think Jer said it perfectly when he said that my ex doesn’t know the difference between treatment of someone he “cares” about and a turd in the lawn. Yep, that about says it all. Not that this is really anything new, but it’s still horribly offensive and it gets old. Maybe this is why hes had to get a new wife every 8 years. For the record, he does apologize. But, so what? This is also typical ex behavior. He’ll treat me exactly the way he wants to and then he will call and apologize and I’m supposed to forget it happened at all?

No. Not anymore.

I don’t care if he had a couple of self-pity days, I don’t care if they were the absolute worst days of his life, you just don’t treat people like that.

I just don’t get it.
What the hell is this about?

I thought maybe ex is upset that another man is getting time with “his family” but you know what? He never gave a shit before. Personally, I think it speaks volumes that a man who doesn’t have any kids is better at acting as a male role model for children than their own father. What he really should be disappointed about is himself. If ex had said he wanted to go see a movie with us, I would’ve gone. But that’s not what he did. That’s not ever what he does. He does nothing and then bitches when things don’t work out the way he “imagined” them in his fantasy world. I’m sure he’s telling everyone his little sob story and their just adding fuel to the fire. I can just hear him now… “Oh, I wanted to take the kids to see that movie and she took the kids with some other guy.” Yeh, boofuckinhoo. Jer knows the kids wanted to see this movie and took the initiative to make it happen, while all “Daddy” could do was sit back, bitch, moan and point fingers.
Whatever.

I just can’t figure out why this wacky, dramatic, emotional roller coaster ride continues. It’s him,  I know, but it’s annoying as all hell to deal with. This is why I’m divorcing him. I’m tired of him always being miserable and me thinking I should fix it, or that I even can. I just want it over and done with.

I am partly worried that he’s drinking again. In fact, that would explain a lot beause alcohol has this up and down effect on him. Jer seems to think that maybe he didn’t think it would turn out like this, maybe he didn’t really think I’d go through with the divorce and that he’s starting to see the consequences of his actions, but really, is that it? I don’t think so. I don’t think he wants me. I don’t think he ever did. We’ll probably never know because ex doesn’t have the capacity to have a sincere, honest conversation. If he did, we might not be here. Hell, he might be able to talk to his “girlfriend” about what’s plaguing him, rather than bottling it up and self-destructing.

Plus, isn’t this what HE wanted?
Wasn’t it him that when I asked him if he really wanted a divorce or if we should just separate and go to counseling, get some distance from the situation, that he said his heart had been broken when he spent the night in jail and he thought there was too much hurt between us for him. FOR HIM? Are you kidding me? All that statement says to me is “I have way too much pride to admit that I really fucked up and have let things get way out of control, so I’m gonna blame you and be done with it, cause it’s way easier than actually TRYING”.
And his heart was broken?

Listen, how about my heart was broken when you hit me in the stomach when I was pregnant, not once, but three times, and I never told anyone how bad it really was, because you swore it would never happen again and I forgave you, and then 5 years later, after everything I did and sacrificed to TRY and make you happy, after taking in Pickle like my own child, and helping make all your dreams come true, I get rewarded by you getting drunk one night and coming across the room at me for NO REASON to put your hand around my throat and hurt me so bad that I ended up not being able to turn my head the next day and had to go to the hospital? Yeh, you’re damn straight I let them take you to jail. I told you if you ever put your hands on me again that I would put your ass in handcuffs and that was a promise I not only kept to you, but to myself and my children. I’m not gonna break out any god damn violin for you. Don’t tell me about a broken heart. Don’t tell me about hurt.
Save it. Own up. Be a man.

Another thing that bothering me with all of this shit is this other chick. Not because she’s ex’s new, well whatever the hell she is, but because this woman is an educated professional. She has a brain. She’s apparently a nurse. So, what the hell is she doing with him? I know somebody at his work is reading this? Is it her? How does she reconcile this shit in her head? How does she unconscionably pursue a man who SHE KNOWS put his hands on a woman like that. I mean, this was only a month and a half ago. She’s not ignorant enough to believe there’s any excuse for that. Hell, anybody whose been reading this, has to know better. Wouldn’t they tell her? Warn her? Where are these people’s conscience. What if it was you this happened to? Even if it was YOUR friend? Your sister? Your Mom?
I mean, WTF?
My guess?
I’m beginning to realize in re-reading my entries that they’ve been an item for awhile. He is still putting up the fake front he does at work, with her ( and probably everyone else) behind the scenes, but I have faith that the facade will crash and burn fast enough. Why? Because it is, what it is….a facade. They’ll all see. (Karma is a bitch and she’s coming, that I can assure you.)

But, sincerely, I’m worried for her. The kids already like her, and really, I think that’s great, if she’s good to them, then I’m good with her. I’m not the psycho, jealous type. I’m not gonna hate her just to hate her. I don’t know this girl. I’m not mad at her. BUT what is bothering me is this …. Here’s another woman with a brain that will fall for his act. Not only that but, it upsets me horribly that even one more child would be subjected to him or thinking that what he’s gonna do to their mother, or them, is what a man does. It’s crap. I know I did it all because once I got involved, I wanted to help Pickle and I wanted to help ex and I thought he would love me more for it in the end. I fell for the victim act, hook line and sink er’ and once the gig was up, I had too much pride to let anyone know that they had been right about him all along. What’s worse is that as a woman, I want to tell her. I want to warn her. But as a woman, I also know she’s probably wouldn’t hear me and would think I’m just trying to be hateful. And I don’t hate my ex. I care and love him very much. Always will. I want the best for him, but he’s still in self-destructive mode, I know it. I can tell and I just don’t want ANYONE else to be hurt in the process. There’s been enough hurt.
(sigh)
I don’t even know her and I can say she deserves better and so do her kids.
So do my kids.
So do I.
This shit has got to stop.
(steps off soapbox)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s