shining light in the dark

I had one of the ugliest experiences I’ve had with my ex since…. well I guess the night he grabbed me by the throat. I left his house in a hurry without taking the kids inside and cooing and coddling them before I left. Why? Because after waiting for him in his driveway for over a half-hour because he was running late from work, again, my car was about to run out of gas and I was trying to make it to the gas station. Then he has the audacity to act like I’m this horrible parent right in front of the kids, after I waited FOR HIM!?!? He asked me why I didn’t go get gas while I was waiting? Wtf? Cause I was WAITING on you. The kids would’ve flipped if I had left with them after already being at his house. I swear to God, I can’t win.

But, it lead to one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Instead of being frustrated by my emotions and letting in complicate things between us, I let Jer be there for me. He actually took me in his arms and told me that he wanted me to know I had a safe place to go with all my tears and he wanted me to let it go. He must’ve held me for a good hour, while I sobbed. He even went as far as apologizing for all the hurt my ex had caused me. He said he wanted me to feel validated. He said I didn’t deserve it. He told me he could see it in my eyes and he didn’t want to see it anymore, so he wanted to help me put the burden down.
And I did.

Despite knowing my ex will always cause drama, because he thrives on it, I know I can deal without falling back into the bitterness and resentment of it all.
I’m gonna be ok.
Everything is gonna be ok.
And you know what else?
I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m not gonna lie for him or hide for him anymore. That’s over. I did it way to long.

When you’re in the throes of a divorce, it’s way too easy to sit down and cry, and frankly, I’d like to be done and over with crying and being angry. That’s why I started this site. I’ve kept this blog of everything I’ve been through because I find it therapeutic for me to write about my failures and fears and let them go when I hit the submit button. I get it out and put it down and get to walk away with a clean slate to move forward with my hopes and dreams. That’s what this has always been about. I still read my blog entries now and then because they help me keep perspective, it helps me not take things for granted. Censoring this would be censoring my healing process, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.
This is about moving forward.
That’s what I’m gonna do.

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